Punch (89.1885)

Novembek 7, 1885.]

PUNCH, OE THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

2L7

TOPICS OF TO-DAY.

Treated by Dumb-Crambo Junior.

C Fvc-HJ, PoiT,-)

The New Elector-ate!

The Kan-goon powder Plot.* Man, delay !

(* " The time allowed for the Burmese answer to the English Ultimatum
will expire on the Fifth of November."—Globe, Oct. 27.)

«o Wilt.

1

THE DISAPPOINTED SUITOR.

{Not improbable.)

Prince Alex. Kicked out, by the Powers! Then I must console myself
with Sophia!

King Milan. Boo-hoo ! No "Widdin, after all!

THE SILLY COMMANDER.

(A Story of the Next War according to the precedent.)

Colonel Rabbithutch had been sent out by the Government of
the day, with the cordial consent of the Field-Marshal Commanding-
in-Chief, to suppress an expected rising of the Muffs, a number of
Dutch emigrants who had settled in British South Africa. On his
way to his command the gallant officer, haying learned by heart all
the newspapers he had brought with him, and re-read several times
the Mess Library, found himself with absolutely nothing to do. So,
being a teetotaller, and therefore unable to_ conscientiously indulge
in the customary distraction of an idle soldier, he took to thinking.
And he thought about every subject under the sun, and at last by
the process of exhaustion came to the consideration of his own pro-
fession.

" Tarnish my scabbard! " he exclaimed one day—he was far too
good a man to swear, but of course as a warrior was obliged occa-
sionally to use a little strong language—" tarnish my scabbard ! I
have got a new idea! I will conduct this campaign on a novel
plan!"

Soon after this the Colonel arrived at the "seat of war" (he
stealthily smiled when he heard the place thus described), and was
met by his subordinates. He immediately filled up the appointments
on his Stafi, but in such a way that murmurs were heard on all sides.
Disregarding the claims of seniority, he, in defiance of all precedent,
posted the right men to the right places. When remonstrances
reached his ears, he turned upon his heel, smiled, and repeated to
himself, " My new idea—conducting this campaign on a novel plan !
Tarnish my scabbard! but I will surprise them more before I have
done with it!"

And he was as good (or as bad) as his word. There was never so
strange a leader! Over and over again he set at nought the tra-
ditions of the Service. He marched along with his whole force with-
out firing a shot, thus causing the ammunition to be practically a
worthless incumbrance. All the Quarter-Masters were disgusted,
and the Surgeons began to forget their prescriptions in their unwel-
come and enforced idleness.

" Please, Colonel," said the Chief of the Staff, one morning, carry-
ing a map into the hut of his superior, "may we make a detour to
the right of about five miles on our line of march ? "

" What for f " asked Rabbithutch, lighting a manilla cheroot.

" To attack the fort which is held, I believe, by the Muffs in some
force, Sir." And the Major Bhowed the Colonel where he thought
the latter ought to go.

"Don't see there's much good in it," returned Rabbithutch.
" We can get to the enemy's Capital just as easily, whether we take
the fort or not."

" True," responded the Major, sadly, " but by not taking the fort
we shall miss a brush with the Muffs, and our men find their ammu-
nition embarrassingly heavy."

" Can't help that—they must carry it,—we mustn't waste public
property."

And this little incident was a sample of many others. Over and
over again the Colonel refused to burn powder. It was true enough
that there was no absolute need for fighting, yet as soldiers are fond
of their profession, this absence of human slaughter was not exactly
popular. Indeed, the expedition did not regret its return to its
original head-quarters. As for Rabbithutch, he hurried back to
England, and soon presented himself before the Duke to report.

"Well, Colonel," said H.R.H., when they were together in the
Horse- Guards portion of the War Office, '' and how have things gone ? "

" Capital, your Royal Highness—the men behaved admirably."

" Did they ? " exclaimed the Duke, heartily, although as a matter-
of-fact he did not much relish hearing the rank ana file spoken of
before allusion had been made to the officers. "Did they, indeed!
Well, if you have got some old Sergeant-major quite past work, he
might be promoted to the rank of Junior Subaltern."

"Thank you, your Royal Highness, but if I could find such a man
(and I can't, for all my non. corns, are most efficient) I really think
he would prefer to remain respected in the Sergeants' Mess rather than
appear as a fish-out-of-water in the ante-room of the officers."

The Duke stared in astonishment, and bowed.

" As for my colleagues, Tommy Sabeetache and "

"Tommy Sabeetache!" exclaimed H.R.H., in tones of pained
reproach. "My dear Colonel, calling an officer by his Christian
name! I really cannot permit it—you know how I dislike
familiarity !"

" I beg your pardon, Sir, but the fact is my colleagues were such
good friends, that I looked upon every one of them as a relative.
Tarnish my scabbard ! they were capital fellows! "

" Tarnish your scabbard ! " repeated the Royal Duke, indignantly,
'' Colonel Rabbithutch, I must request you to put a guard over your
tongue—you know how strongly—how very strongly, I object to the
use of violent expressions of that kind."

The visitor again apologised, and then informed the illustrious
Field-Marshal that the object of the expedition had been accomplished.
—the Muffs had. completely submitted.

"Glad to hear it," returned H.R.H., shortly, "and now for the
list of killed and wounded."

For the first time the Colonel hesitated.

"The fact is, your Royal Highness, I have conducted the cam-
paign on a new plan." .

"Hate anything new," returned the illustrious Duke. "However,
it may be all right. And now for the list of killed and wounded."

Again the Colonel hesitated. _ " The fact is, your Royal Highness,
the Muffs when they saw I was in earnest, submitted. As I have told,
you, I have carried out all your instructions, and been most success-
ful. On the other hand, I have no list of killed and wounded."

No list of killed and wounded! " exclaimed His Royal Highness,

No; because there was no fighting."

" No fighting !" And the illustrious Dnke nearly fainted.

The poor Colonel, seeing his Chief so deeply moved, tried to explain
that really and truly bloodshed had been entirely unnecessary.

"No fighting! Oh, dear me!" The Field-Marshal blushed at
finding himself using so strong and so unusual an expression. " I
never heard of such a thing! A campaign, and no fighting!"

After a very painful pause, the agitated Field-Marshal managed
to control his emotion.

" Colonel Rabbithutch," at length he commenced, " I suppose, as
you have attained the object of your appointment, we must express
satisfaction with your exertions. But, Sir," he added with severity,
" as you were good enough to adopt a new plan of your own inven-
tion^ and carry qut your instructions without any bloodshed—(Good
gracious! dear me! oh, fie ! without any bloodshed! Oh dear.1)—of
course you won't get any promotion ! "

vol, lxxzii.