Punch (89.1885)

JULY 25, 1885.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

37

WHICH IS WHICH?

(By Our Bewildered Critic, who was in two places at once.)

The Empress Theodora, when first seen in the play, is giving
audience to a Parisian of the period and other bores, and soon
becomes weary of her Court, and especially of one of its chief func-
tionaries, who will wear a dress-improver, which it seems was known

" Very like, very like."—Hamlet.

in those days, though Mr. Godwin cruelly left it out in Claudian.
The Empress thinks it " sich imperenee," and, scorning the luxury
that caused the ruin of the Roman Empire—e.g., a big drum, to play
upon, all to herself—she goes off to the Hippodrome, to see her old
friend Tamyris (Madame Marie Thorne), to get a philtre for
Justinian (M. Shelton Garnier). Arrived at the Byzantium Arcade,
the Empress unbends, and we see her laughing and dancing with the
Sorceress in truly affable fashion. In the first scene Madame Marie
Bernhardt was lithe and languorous, aud in the second Mdlle.
Sabah Ltnden was smart and sinuous; indeed, the dual character of
the Empress was never better represented, and Justinian hardly
recognised his better half when he saw her double.

A conspiracy in Byzantium must have been a nice thing for the
neighbours, as we discover when taken to the house of Andreas, a

"masher" and a politician,
who, with his friends, is
plotting against the Empire,
for a merry chorus goes on all
night, ana each conspirator
brings his particular instru-
ment, that is, he is instru-
mental in working out the
plot. In this scene Mr. J. L.
Marais acted, with consider-
able power, whacking his
fellow-conspirators on their
breasts with genuine force,
while M. Toole, "Be la
Comedie Anglaise," was really
humorous, and his song bad
the true classic ring about it.
His attire, too, was arohreo-
logieally correct, being the
Xitaiv fipeiTKctrros of the ancients,
as represented in the mosaics
of the Criterion. M.Toole's
Bin gin g was also much ad-
mired, as being- very like that
of the Birds of Aristophanks.
The meeting, however, has
to disperse, for the Empress,
who is a regular Byzantine
" bad'un," comes to see
, _ Andreas, calling herself by

ar other name, while he calls her naughty names, not knowing she
. u9usta. So the lady becomes very uneasy, and naturally
squirms, and. this is a great feature of the piece. Madame Marie
8 s1,"rm is the true " spasma Imperiale" of Juvenal,
tv,6 Sarah Linden- has in it more of the juvenile.

-Lhe Emperor twits his wife with being an Actress, which, seeing
tne admirable manner in which she plays the part, is, to say the
least of it, bad manners. But she forgives him, and tells him all
about the plot which the indiscreet Andrea# haB let out. The Imperial

party hide, Marcellus, the chief conspirator, and Andreas come on,
the former is captured, but Theodora saves Andreas by shutting the
door so suddenly in his face that poor Andreas must have got a
nasty one in the eye. Here the acting of Sarah or Marie and
M. Toole or Marais, I forget which, was very fine. Then ensues a
scene which baffl.es description, and also the conspirators. Marcellus
(M. Ward, of the Porte St. Martin, Trafalgar Square) is brought in,
knocked on the head, and stabbed by Theodora, just to prove what
he had been insisting on for some time, that " his heart was in the
right plaoe." So Marcellus doesn't betray Andreas, and off they all
go to the races, where we see the Emperor and Empress putting on
their denarii in regular Epsom style. Andreas turns up, and is
promptly gagged, for he certainly says very rude things ; and pre-
sently we come to the last scene of all, where the Empress visits him
in his hiding-place. It seems that Tamyris has given Theodora not
a philtre, but a poison, for the Witch desires to be revenged upon
Justinian, whose Guards have killed her son ; and so when Andreas,
in a most proper manner, will have nothing to say to the naughty
Empress, she gives him the potion to win back his love. The brew
of Tamyris is potent, for M. Toole was so convulsed (as were his
audience), that several medical men in the house were with difficulty
restrained from flying to his assistance. His anguish was something
really beautiful, and at, the same time, purely classio, the genuine
Gastrodynia Byzantica, as described by the famous Physician,
Gclielmus Larus, a.d. 532.

I fanoy I've got the two pieces a little mixed, but haven't time to
put it right again. Valete et plaudite, as the ancient Low Comedian
used to say.

A ROWLAND FOR AN OLIVER.

At the Class-Day Dinner at Harvard College lately, we are
informed, Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes, Author of The Autocrat
of the Breakfast Table, read a complimentary poem to Mr. James
Russell Lowell, one verse of which runs (a trifle haltingly, if
rightly reported) as follows :—

" By what deep magic, what alluring arts,

Our truthful James led captive British hearts;

Whether his shrewdness made their Statesmen halt,

Or if his learning found their dons at fault,

Or if his virtue was a BtraDge surprise,

Like honest Yankees we can simply guess :

England herself will be the first to claim
Her only conqueror since the Norman came."

To which Mr. Punch begs amicably to reply :—

Not halting Statesmen, and not dons outdone,

Taught us to love this lord of sense and fun;

Nor did it come to us as a surprise
To find a Yankee virtuous as wise.

No Holmes, Sweet Holmes ! Our pride it nothing shames,

To own us conquered, by your Truthful James.

His " sword and spear " in truth were cause of it,

The sword of eloquence, the spear of wit;

Eor heart, not art, sage head, not iron hand,

Made him the "conqueror" of our stubborn land.

Captured us ? Yes; and he '11 be hailed with rapture

If he '11 come back among us to recapture I

Could you oome too, tant mieux ! for what more pat

Than to pair " Conqueror " with " Autocrat'( "

Verb: sap : dear Oliver I It won't be lost on

One of the best and brightest brains of Boston!

THE HANWELL FESTIVAL.

Sir,—I got the prize. Alone I did it, with another fellow. It
was for a Conundrum, And they sang " See the conquering hero,"
that's me, "comes, Sound the trumpets, beat the conundrums 1"
And this i3 a conundrum no one can beat:

My first is a Hotel, no matter where, London if you like.

My second is Lord De Rothschild (with our best wishes and
kindest regards). ^

My third is what the lamb-cutlets and peas said to the Head Cook.

My whole is what the biggest fool I know is. (Nothing personal in
this last, and all rights reserved.)

Now for the answer. Listen. Hold on. One, two, three, and
away .— The answer is Inn-jew-dish-vs.

That got the prize, and there were bonfires in the dormitory all
night long. Great rejoicings. Yours ever,

Nunquam Dromio (the other brother.)

The gawky young fellows who can't, or won't dance, and plant
themselves against the walls look less like Wall-flowers than members
of the Orchid Squad.

VOL. TVYY1T