Punch: Punch (89.1885)

36

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[July 18, 1885.

PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT.

I APPEAR IN A VOLUNTEER CASE.

he first time I met my friend
Bunder was at a gathering
of the members of his own
corps, when he was intro-
duced to those present by
his then Commanding
Officer as that C. O.'s suc-
cessor. From the tone of
the gunners (it was a
Volunteer Artillery Regi-
ment) I feared that he
would experience some
difficulty in maintaining
discipline. It was not so
much the solemn silence
in which his name was
received as the open deri-
sion with which his speech
of thanks was greeted that
made me adopt this opi-
nion. The retiring Com-
mandant explained to me
subsequently that he won-
dered "they" (the men)
" stood it, as when all was said and done, Bunder did not know his
right hand from his left." This (from a military point of view)
appeared to be a very grave misdemeanor. From the statement of
the Commandant, it seemed that he himself had_ not found his proud
position as Officer Commanding an exact equivalent to a bed of
roses. He had been put to very great expense, and ultimately
resigned because the three batteries of which his corps was composed
insisted upon marching abreast down Piccadilly, so that they might
hear the band with equal distinctness.

"Captain Bunder ! " said my excellent and admirable Clerk,
ushering in my warlike acquaintance. I was a little annoyed that
Portington had not given me notice of the soldier's_ approach, as at
the moment I was engaged in the not very professional practice of
trying to teach my wife's dog (a black poodle) how to balance a
biscuit on his nose until he was told that it had been duly purchased.
This was all the more embarrassing as I had always given Bunder
to understand that I devoted my entire time in Chambers to the
consideration of intricate points of law.

Left alone, on the retirement of Portington and the poodle, the
Captain opened his heart to me freely, and told me that he had been
worried out of his life by his gunners, headed by Sergeant Smith
and Bombardier Brown. Instead of "falling in" at the word of
command, his men, headed by the said subordinates, or rather insub-
ordinates, had insisted upon holding meetings, at which he (their
Captain) had been denounced in no measured terms ; and. that when
he had mildly retaliated by dismissing the ringleaders individually
in a regimental order published in a local paper, had been threatened
with five distinct actions for libel. .

" So, seeing your name outside," he concluded, and remembering
that you said you were a Barrister or something, I thought 1 would

just step in anci ask you what I had better do."

I pondered, for several moments, while I tried to remember as
many provisions as I could of the Mutiny Act.

" Were you before an enemy," at length I answered, 1 am ot
opinion that jou might order them to suffer death or any less punish-
ment that might be awarded by a general Court-Martial.'

" Well, we are not before an enemy," retorted Bunder, angrily,
" and so far from my ordering them anything, I am hanged it they
haven't summoned me ! They have applied that I should be compelled
to discover a certain dummy gun, when I have never even seen it.

"Well, my dear friend," I replied, with hesitation, you see I
have had very little to do with criminal work, and therefore am
rather out of my element."

This innocent remark seemed to add fuel to the fire, and Bunder
became angrier than ever. However my dulcet tones, and apologetic
if not abject manner, at length had their effect, and my visitor at
last told me his sorrows in detail, and I promised to appear for him
in the police-court on the morrow.

When I reached Bowlborough Street the next day, I found the
Captain seated in full regimentals (which, no doubt, had secured him
the consideration from the Usher) on the Bench. I subsequently
ascertained that he had "sported his uniform" with a view to
favourably impressing the presiding Magistrate. If this were his
object, he signally failed in attaining it, as Mr. Bang, the worthy
official in question, when he arrived (as he did in a very great hurry,
as if he had just five minutes to get through his work and catch an
express train), immediately ordered him down.

"I see, Sir," cried his Worship, angrily, "that you are here

charged with concealing or making away with Her Majesty's
property. Tour proper place is the Dock, Sir,—not the Bench!"

Upon which the until-now-obsequious Usher suddenly changed
his tone, and unceremoniously hustled my client into the space
beyond the Clerk's desk.

" I protest " began poor Bunder.

"Does anyone appear for you?" asked his Worship, snappishly.
"Dear me! has the man lost his voice ? Does anyone appear for
him ? "

" I do," I replied, firmly.

'' Who are you, Sir F " snapped out the Magistrate, as if rehearsing
Burnand and Sullivan's excellent Operetta Cox and Box.

I felt very much inclined to continue the duet by'saying, " What's
that to you, Sir ? " when his Worship went on, excitedly,

"Do you belong to a firm, or are you in practice on your own
account ? "

" I am not a Solicitor, Sir, as you appear to imagine " I began.

"Then what have you to do here, Sir?" interrupted the Magis-
trate, with increased fury. "Not a word, Sir, or I will have you
turned out! "

"I am a Barrister, Sir," I exclaimed, in the tone adopted by the
hero of the old melodramas, when, throwing oif a cloak, he was wont
to appear in a profusion of foreign decorations, as the long-lost and
rightful heir.

Instead of Mr. Bang going down upon his knee, and exclaiming,
"My liege ! " he merely requested me, with impatient courtesy, " to
get into my proper place then," adding, sotto voce, " that he supposed
I was instructed by somebody."

I was then ushered into a long pew on the right of the Bench.
"And now that's over," continued his Worship," what is it ? "
Immediately two garrulous persons sprang to their feet.

" One at a time. Put that man into the box, and swear him."
And one of the speakers was seized, hustled into a compartment,
handed a book, and told to kiss it, whilst an official galloped through
the form prescribed by law.

" And now what have you got to say ? " asked Mr. Bang, leaning
back in his armchair, and glaring at the witness through his
spectacles with a ferocity which was perfectly appalling.

Sergeant Smith (for 'it was he} had a great deal to say. Every
now and again he was savagely interrupted by his Worship, who
asked some question or other. 1 confess I was so upset by the hurry
and scurry of the whole aflair that I could hear nothing. The only
thing that pleased me was the fact that _ Mr. Bang occasionally
looked at me when I bowed graciously, feeling most grateful for his
recognition.

" Have you anything to ask the witness ? " asked Mr. Bang, when
the Sergeant had come to a full stop. I feebly shook my head and
weakly smiled.

"Swear the next witness," snapped out the Magistrate.

"But I want to ask him something," began Captain Bunder,
excitedly.

"Can't," cried his Worship. "You're represented by Counsel!
And now, Bombardier Brown, what do you know about it ? "

Again the examination of witnesses went on. Again I was too
flurried to follow the thread of the testimony, again I gratefully
bowed whenever the Magistrate looked at me. Once more I had no
questions ready.

" I will be heard! " shouted the infuriated Bunder at this point.
"Can't," repeated the Magistrate. "You're represented by
Counsel."

" But I won't be represented by Counsel or anyone else," cried the
angry soldier. " I prefer to appear in person. Why, whenever you
appealed to_ him," he continued, indignantly pointing at me, "he
decided against me! "

"He did!" returned the Magistrate, shortly; "but that's his
business and not mine ! "

"But it is mine ! " almost yelled Bunder. " I repudiate him! "
Mr. Bang looked at me. Of course there was only one thing for
me^ to do. Full of mortification, and hurt to the very quick, I
retired.

I waited for Bunder until he emerged from the Court.

"Sir," I said, "I never intended to appear for you in any other
character than that of a friend. As a friend, not a Counsel, I have
appeared for you. But from this moment your qualification as a
friend ceases."

" Appear for me as a Counsel! " he exclaimed, scornfully. " More
of the Sell than the other! You '11 never be Lord Chancellor!"
******
_ As^ I have hinted, this occurred many years ago. Calmly con-
sidering the matter now, within experience mellowed by time, I am
of opinion that my client's excitement was pardonable, as the pro-
fessional assistance I was then able to afford him was not of as much
value as I could have wished—earnestly, most earnestly could have
wished! As for his prophecy, he was right—I never have been

Lord Chancellor!

A. Briefless, Junior.

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