Punch (89.1885)

October 3, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

157

A WARM CORNER.

<{ "We had capital sport on the First I was one of a party of four gnns posted at the south-west corner of Deadman's Spinney, and in a quarter

of an hour we were up to our knees in birds. It positively rained Pheasants! "—Extract from a Private Letter.

SOEEOWS OF A METEOPOLITAN CANDIDATE.

f'-•LECTION °NLT a month> a

! meet!"! little month, has
passed since I had
the distinguished
honour of being se-
lected by the Liberal
and Radical Associa-
tion of my Parlia-
mentary District as
their Candidate at the
approaching General
Election, and yet the
enormous amount of
absurd, and imperti-
nent, and wearying,
and worrying corre-
spondence I have had
to endure, and not
only to endure, but to
endure without a murmur, and even with an appearance of thankful-
ness, is simply incredible. My table groans with awful piles of
letters, and such letters ! Nothing is too great or too small for my
merciless persecutors. Am I in favour of a Republic ? " Should
not the Poor-Law Guardians have power to raise the Beadle's wages
without asking permission of an 'aughty Aristocracy ? " Should the
House of Lords be abolished ? If not, why not ? and if so, how ?
How was I to answer this puzzle satisfactorily ? It took me nearly
two hours to concoct an answer, and even then the only reply I got
was that my opinions on this crucial_ question were very unsound,
and would require much re-consideration.

As to Disestablishment and Disendowment, was I opposed to one,
or both, or neither 'i If to one, which P If to neither, why ? If to
both, what would I say to dividing the proceeds among poor trades-
men, ruined by the wicked Stores, in proportion to the number of
the family, he being the proud parent of eight ?

As to Emigration, which particular Colony would I recommend for
a fine strapping son aged two-and-twenty, and why, and the pro-
bable cost, and the means of supporting him until something eligible
turned up ? Could I possibly have any objection to stand godfather
to a sweet blooming cherub, only six weeks old, who was to be named
after me ?

"Was I aware of the startling fact that while one shilling's-worth of
the Poor Man's tea paid a tax of eightpenee, that a shilling's-worth
of the Bloated Aristocrat's champagne paid a tax of only one half-
penny ? If so, what did I think of it, and how should I proceed
to remedy that gross iniquity when returned to Parliament ? Had
I fully considered the question of Pair Trade, and with what result
as regarded a diseased neighbour's cattle ?

An Irish Elector who says that he represents nearly four hundred

of [the same class, asks me to state in plain and unmistakeable
language whether I will support that eminent Patriot, Mr. Pakneix,
in his endeavour to obtain Justice for his down-trodden country, and
better wages for his oppressed countrymen; while a Member of the
local Yestry would like to know my views upon the future Govern-
ment of the Metropolis.

These are but a sample of the various matters I am expected to
expound, in lengthy epistles, and to the accomplishment of which
task I have devoted every hour of my usual August holiday, and with,
I fear, but very moderate success, judging by the unsatisfied tone of
the various comments I receive from my numerous correspondents.
I am worn out with my incessant work—to me, too, of an especially
disagreeable, because an unusual character—I am ill and dispirited
and very doubtful of ultimate success, and despite the cheery tones
in which my guide, philosopher, and agent, still addresses me, I am
fain to confess that I look back with bitter, regret to the day when I
madly allowed myself to
be announced as a Candi-
date for Parliamentary
honours, and nothing but
the fear of the biting sar-
casm of my foes, and the
still more terrible sympa-
thising pitv of my nume-
rous friends, prevent me
from at once announcing
my retirement from a
position that has been,
and still is, a most un-
mitigated nuisance and

almost unbearable bore, and then flying joyously away on the wings
of an express train and express Boat to Yenice or Egypt or Jericho,
—anywhere, anywhere, out of the world " of Politics."

The Strict J. P.

Those who are apt to sneer at the irselessness of the Great Unpaid,
will read the following extract from the Daily Telegraph with great
pleasure:—

" Two lads under ten years of age were ordered to be flogged by the
Barnsley Magistrates yesterday, for stealing a horse value £40."

Whether a chastisement by Justices of the Peace would be more
effective than the birch-rod well laid on by an experienced gaoler,
we are unable to say. Possibly the Barnsley Magistrates are
peculiarly skilful in this kind of punishment; but, if there are
many naughty boys in Barnsley, it strikes us that the life of a
J, P. in that busy town will be anything but a happy one.

Bismakck on Baihees.—Beati possidentcs.

VOI. LXXXIX.