Punch: Punch (89.1885)

84

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHAEIYARI.

[August 15, 1885,

PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT.

MY LONG PROFESSIONAL SERVICES RECEIVE RECOGNITION.

aving given the
amount of work
that pours into
my chambers
very careful con-
sideration, I re-
cently came to
the conclusion,
that in spite of
its satisfactory
vastness, I yet
had some little
leisure to devote
to an appoint-
ment of a quasi-
judicial charac-
ter. Looking
about me, the
first eligible post

that attracted my attention was a Deputy Coronership, which
was offered to me on the top of a drag at Epsom during the last
race but one on the Derby Day. I had accompanied the party,
of which the Coroner was one. to the meeting in question in the
hope of settling the matter off-hand. As a rule 1 am decidedly
averse to the race-course, but consented to appear on this occa-
sion for the purpose I have already avowed. The Coroner, who
had been a little reserved during the earlier part of the day, became
most friendly after luncheon, and pressed me, with tears in his eyes,
to accept the appointment. Seeing that he was suffering undersome
excitement (he was wearing a false nose and had decorated his hat
with small Dutch dolls), I thought it better to say I would send my
reply on the following morning, by post, so that he might have a
written record of my approval. This seemed to please him deeply.
Indeed, he wept like a child for five minutes, and then succumbed
to a heavy slumber. However, the matter came to nought, as my
emotional friend qualified shortly afterwards for Hanwell.

Rather out of spirits at my failure re the Deputy Coronership, I
entered one morning, just before the Long, the Court presided over
by Mr. Justice Dendlekijts, and to my surprise, found my friend
and quondam school-fellow, Habtman, seated on the Bench beside
hi3 Lordship. " Conkey," (so we used to call Habtman at Win-
minster) seemed as astonished to see me as I was to recognise him.
He hurriedly joined me in the corridor. "Hullo," he cried, shak-
ing me violently by the hand, " what brings you here ?''

I was pleased at his recognition, as some of the juniors who had
been doing nothing particular all the morning in the Court, had fol-
lowed me out, and having seen Habtman on the Bench were much
impressed that I should be on familiar terms with a person of such
evident distinction. So I explained that I had come over from
another court, having a few minutes of leisure. I trusted that my
friend would be taken for some great lawyer conversant with my
marked forensic ability—say for, instance, the Lord Chief Justice of
the United States.

"Indeed!" said Conkey. "But what made you put on a wig
and gown ? Are you a Barrister ? " ,

This question showed such lamentable ignorance on Habtman s
part that I thought it well to hurry him away. I was not sorry,
being en gargon (my wife and children were enjoying a few weeks
of ozone at Heme Bay) when he subsequently asked me to dine with
him at his Club. During dinner I explained my position, and told
him my hopes and fears about obtaining an appointment.

" I say," he exclaimed suddenly, " couldn't old Dendlekins help
you ? He's not half a bad chap."

I replied that I had already made an application, with accompany-
ing testimonials, to his Lordship, and had been answered with a curt
acknowledgment of receipt. Judging by reference to tradition I did
not expect much, consequently, from Mr. Justice Dendlexins.

" Look here ; you come down to my box on the 12th, and I will see
what I can do for you," impulsively cried my friend, and although 1
argued that I was an indifferent sportsman, he would take no refusal.

Somewhat to my trepidation the first person that I met at the
hospitable board at Highmoor was Mr. Justice Dendlekins, who had
managed to devote a portion of his vacation to the chase of the wily
grouse. Thanks to Haetiiajt's kindness I was seated next his
Lordship, who was most gracious, telling me several mirth-provoking
stories, until, by one of my remarks showing a deep knowledge of the
intricacies of scientific law (it was a definition of a contingent
remainder), it suddenly occurred to him that I must be a member of
the Profession to which he himself belonged. I admitted the impeach-
ment, when Mr. Justice Dendlekins immediately assumed a haughty
demeanour and answered all my further questions in monosyllables.

"When we had got to the coffee-and-cigars stage of our dinner, Habt-

man, seeing that the relations between his Lordship and myself were
strained, called upon me to show how I could balance a cork on a wine-
glass, with the assistance of two pendent fruit-forks. This I declined
to do, thinking that it was rather beneath my dignity, until urged
by Mr. Justice Dendlekins, who, it appeared, although extremely
fond of sleight-of-hand tricks, was but an indifferent amateur con-
juror. My feat was loudly applauded, especially by his Lordship,
who practised it under my direction for some time, wishing, as he
said, to become proficient in the art himself.

"Oh, Judge," cried Habtman, "Snout (that's what we used to
call Beiefless at "Winminster) knows lots of games like that. Draw
him out, and make him show you the whole bag o' tricks."

After this his Lordship was more cordial, and before retiring to
rest condescended to say that "he was pleased to have met me, the
more especially as the imitation tallow-dip converted out of a section
of an apple and a split almond was new to him and very ingenious."

I got up early, very early, the next morning, as I wished (being,
as I have already said, an indifferent sportsman) to have a little
private practice with my gun before I joined the more experienced
votaries of Diana. As I walked along I noticed that another member
of the house-party seemed to have the same purpose. He was appa-
rently undersized and fat, but as his back was turned towards me,
and 1 am rather short-sighted, I failed to recognise him. Suddenly
he came to a wood, raised his gun, and fired. Then he hurried up to
the spot where his quarry had fallen, and peered into the bushes.
Seemingly much moved by the sight that met his view, without
touching the victim of his skill, he quickly retraced his steps, and
seated himself under a tree, evidently suffering from extreme agita-
tion. Curious to learn what had so moved him, I approached the
bushes. Horrified too at the sight, I gently raised the slaughtered
creature in my arms, and approached the guilty one. "We recognised
one another, and he turned pale. I was profoundly shocked.

"Mr. Justice Dendleicins," I said at last, solemnly, " it Is my
painful duty to denounce you as a vulpicide!"

" My dear Mr. Beiefless, it was purely accidental, I can assure
you," explained the Judge, in a voice broken with emotion.

" I do not require your assurance, my Lord," I returned, more in
sorrow than in anger, and taking a sort of painful pleasure in sum-
ming up, as it were, against his Lordship, continued gravely: " but
both you and I know that by the unwritten but traditional common
law of this realm of England, one who shoots a fox is considered more
guilty, more to be shunned and hated, than he who shoots a man."

"True, very true," admitted his Lordship, with a shudder.
" Mr. Beiefless, this is a case both you and I, as members of a
noble profession, must hush up. The Bench and the Bar have, from
time immemorial, been on terms of the utmost cordiality, and you
and I must keep up the tradition."

1 was silent and unmoved. I looked out into the distance sternly.

"Mr. Beiefless," continued his Lordship, after a painful pause,
"I have been reading the testimonials you were good enough to
forward to me, and "

"My Lord," I interrupted, " no appeal from the Bench to the Bar
has ever failed to meet with a response. Eor the honour of the
profession this tragedy must be a secret between us."

I have nothing more to say, save that owing to the arduous pro-
fessional duties additionally imposed upon me by my recent
appointment by Mr. Justice Dendlekins to a Deputy-Assistant-
Ilevising-Barristership, I may bo unable, for a very considerable
time to come (a period that will undoubtedly include the whole of
the Long Vacation), to give any attention to literary composition.

A. Beiefless, Juniob.

A Little Change Wanted.

Some Somebodies (no matter who, we read it in the Daily Tele-
graph's fashionable news) have left Town for Cadlands, on a visit to
Lady Somebody Else. " Cadlands!" what a name ! Cockneydom is
nothing in comparison with it. Is the shubbery at Cadlands called
"The Snobbery"? Why not change it at once, and, in order to

! ' break it gently, previous to

altering it entirely, call it

THE EGYPTIAN LOAN.

The Joint Guarantee—by the Rowers!

" 'Arry-on-the-'Ill" F Bnt
'' Cadlands " ! Lands of Cads!
No, no; reform it altogether!

Celibacy of the Eemine.—
It appears that great difficulty
is experienced on Circuit by
the Sages of the Law in work-
ing the new system of " single
Judges." Materfamilias is
naturally rejoiced to hear that
an arrangement so objection-
able as that of the single Judges
system doesn't answer.

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by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.