Punch (89.1885)

72

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[August 8, 1885.

PAPERS FROM PUMP-HANDLE COURT.

I ASSIST AT AN AHBITRATION.

S the Long Vaca-
tion approaches,
many of my
friends, whose
practice is larger
even than my
own, grow less
zealous in the
discharge of their
forensic duties.
This is certainly
so in the case of
Pajddlectjt, one
of the aforesaid
acquaintances
whose work is on
the largest pos-
sible scale. _ A
few days since

my excellent and admirable Clerk ushered this prosperous individual
into my humble Chambers with the extreme deference that Pobting-
ton always shows to those whose fee-book's annual total is said to
be written in more than three figures.

" The fact is," said my visitor, "I am in a big Arbitration Case
that costs roughly a sovereign a minute. We have had over a
hundred days of it already, and shall have as many more. So as
there are sixty minutes in an hour, and we are supposed to be at it
from 10 till 4, you will see that at the rate I have suggested, each
sitting costs about £360. That's clear enough, isn't it ? "

" Quite," I replied, " but what is the Arbitration all about, and
what do you want me to do in it P "

"As to what it's about that's more than I can tell you—I don't
think anyone knows—not even the Plaintiffs themselves. _ It's some-
thing about a building contract which failed or didn't fail, or wasn't
paid for, or was interrupted before it became completed, or something
or other like that. Then matters were complicated because there
was something wrong in the soil or specification^ or preliminary
investigation, or agreement, or something of that kind. Now, as to
yourself. All you will have to do is to take a note, and if they
want you to do anything, why there '11 be heaps of people to tell
you what to do. I have an important engagement at Henley."

Thus instructed, I arrived the next morning at the Royal Courts
at ten sharp, reflecting that if the Arbitration cost a sovereign a
minute, it was of much importance that no time should be wasted.
I found that one of the apartments usually occupied by a Judge with
or without a Jury, had been most kindly placed at the disposal of
those interested in Long and Underpin v. The Improved Palace
and People's Country-Seat Building SocietyThe janitor at the
glass-door allowed me to pass on. my explaining who I was, and I
entered. To my intense distress, on looking at the clock I noticed
that it was ten minutes beyond the hour, so that if the Court had
been waiting for me, I had already cost somebody two five-pound notes.
I was relieved to discover that this was not the case, as, besides a
most genial old Gentleman occupying a chair immediately beneath
the Bench (who apparently was talking to a friend seated beside him)
and a few Solicitors' Clerks, I was the sole occupant of the Hall of
Justice. By degrees, however, the barristers' benches received
recruits—" stuff " and "silk," but both in mufti.

" I do not wish to hurry you, Gentlemen," said the amiable vete-
ran seated beneath the Bench, who, it now appeared, was no less a
person than the Arbitrator, " but I think I should call your attention
to the fact that it is nearly eleven, and we have not begun."

All the Counsel were most anxious to impress upon the Arbitrator
that everything was being done with as much expedition as possible.

"That I do not doubt for a moment," replied the veteran with
extreme courtesy. "And now, if you please, we will get to business."

Upon this a diligent search was made for the Witness who had been
under examination on the previous day, and who now consequently
was ready to be oross-examined. The Witness being found, the
Counsel who was to question him was secured, and taken in hand by
several legal advisers, who consulted with him as to the proper queries
that should be put. The pile of exhibits finally having been ascer-
tained to be in good working order, a start in real earnest was made.

This was satisfactory, remembering the pound-a-minute calculation.
SE," Let me see, jou have told us so-and-so, and so-and-so," began
the Cross-examiner. The Witness nodded assent. "Well, isn't
there an exhibit which shows the level ? "

The Witness and the Arbitrator thought there was. So" thought
others,

" I think it was marked 99," said the Witness.

"I am under the impression it was 57," observed a Counsel re-
motely connected with the case, in courteous correction.

The Witness (equally courteous) had no doubt but that " 57 " was
the number. Then a search was made among the exhibits, and "57"
was found. It was not the right number, so "99 " was tried and
turned out to be correct. Upon this all parties smiled triumphantly
at one another, and paused for a few moments to recover from their
exertions. Again I thought of the pound-a-minute calculation.

"Now," said the Cross-examiner, peering into the plan with savage
earnestness, "you say that the level is shown here," and he pointed
to a spot in the plan.

" No," returned the Witness, " it is here." And then he added,
politely, "But, pardon me, you are looking at the chart upside down.
This is the top."

The mistake having been rectified, the cross-examination was
cautiously continued.

" Well, the level was below the mud ? "

At this point the Arbitrator, who had been following the proceed-
ings until now with rather perfunctory attention, became gently
excited, and seemed to take a personal interest in the mud.

" I suppose it is shown here?" he said, to the Witness, adding
something technical about the "marsh level," which tended to
prove that he knew all about it, and was doing his duty nobly.

"Has not this spot been photographed?" asked the Cross-
examiner, after a few moments of consultation with his clients.

Then the "number game" recommenced, and guesses were made
at the proper exhibit. On being ultimately found, it afforded some
disappointment, as there was a diificulty in recognising in the picture
the relative positions of mud, trees, water, and houses.

Of course all this took some time, and no one was sorry when the
usual adjournment for luncheon occurred. Summing up the morn-
ing's work, I found, on referring to my notes, that just three
questions had been asked and answered; but this, of course, did not
include the queries as to charts and plans, which were much more
numerous.

" Quite a gallop to-day," said one of the Solicitors, as we left the
Court. " If we can only keep this rate up, we shall break the neck
of the case before Christmas!"

After the refreshment interval (which I spent in the Bar dining-
room, a sort of vault that might have served equally well for a
workhouse kitchen or a military prison) I returned to my seat, and
was soon followed by the other interested parties.

Once more the oross-examination commenced with its accompani-
ment of plans, photographs, and the like, and again the Counsel
reoeived further instructions before putting every new question. It
reminded me of a game of chess played by one individual against a
number of others acting in concert. After every answer of the
questioned the questioner and his assistants conferred as to what
should be the next query. It was distinctly slow and monotonous,
and, at a pound a minute, seemed rather expensive.

With my left hand resting on a pile of legal authorities that I had
brought into Court with me on the chanoe of requiring them, I some-
what lazily jotted down a precis of the proceedings. Suddenly the
Cross-examiner addressed the Arbitrator in quite a new tone.

"Sir," said he, "I cannot help feeling that all we have been
doing this morning and for many days before this morning is a farce,
and nothing but a farce. The general impression of the public is
that arbitration is cheaper than law. It is nothing of the Bort, Sir,
it is merely a dear and slovenly way of getting justice administered
without a trained Judge and an intelligent Jury."

" Really, this is very indecent! " exclaimed an opposing Barrister.
" Surely this inquiry has been conducted on the pleasantest possible
terms. We are all a happy family."

"We are !" admitted the first speaker, " we are! But on public
grounds I consider the system pernicious. But I do not say this to
cause_ strife. I merely mention it, as I can now see a way of
bringing the Euit to a highly satisfactory conclusion. I am in a
position to state that the Plaintiffs, Messrs. Lobg and Undebpiit,
have proposed to and been accepted by the ladies representing the
Defendant Company—two charming and accomplished Nieces. The
oause, consequently, is at an end."

" Hallo! " said a voice near me, which I immediately recognised
as Paddlecut's. " Just returned from Henley! You are making a
nice row in your sleep! "

" In my sleep ! " I exclaimed. " What do you mean ? "

I looked round. Certainly the Court had resumed its usual calm,
colourless appearance. The same Witness was still being cross-
examined in the same leisurely fashion, the same Counsel was yet
again consulting with the same clients before putting the same sort
of query.

" But," I exclaimed, " there is to be a marriage I"

" Nonsense! " replied Paddlecot. " Why, what are you thinking
about ? "

" Why, that Long and Underpin v. The Improved Palace and
People's Country Seat Building Society is settled."

" That settled!" exclaimed Padelecut ; "why, it will last for
years! You must have been dreaming 1"

And I had! A. Bbiemess, Jotiob.

TO COEEE3PONDENIB.—In ao esse san GoatriTsutions, wiiathsr MS., Printod Matter, or Bracings, b« returned; tusltss aaeempsaiid
by a Stnnped and Directed EfiTslope or Ccvsr. Ootisa of Its, should 'cy tea Sas&srs.