Punch: Punch (89.1885)

134

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. LSeptembbr 19, 1885.

A SCOTCH SKETCH.

(GROWING POPULARITY OF THE HIGHLANDS.)

Mrs. Smith (of Brixton). " Lor', Mr. Brown, I 'ardly knoo yer ! Only

THINK of OUR MEETIN' 'ERE, THIS YEAR, INSTEAD OF DEAR old MA.RGIT ! AN'
I suppose THAT's THE COSTUME YOU GO SALMON-STALKIXG IN ? "

LAYS OF A LAZY MINSTREL.*

TIIE DIRGE OF THE! DISAPPOINTED DINER.
Air—" Twickenham Ferry."

" At a meeting of the Twickenham Local Board, the Chair-
man (Mr. C. J. Thrupp) stated that the accumulai ions of mud
in the river within their district were just as bad now as last
year. During the past week the Twickenham Ferry had been,
unable to work from its usual place."—Globe.

Dear me, oh dear me, where is Twickenham Ferry ?

(There's plenty of mud, the stream running down !)
I see not a boat, so I'm not feeling merry.

Though asked out to dinner in Twickenham town:
They dine at, I'm certain, a quarter to eight,

So I gaze on the mud-banks, bemoaning my fate;
For there is not a punt, or a skill, or a wherry,

Or chance of my dining in Twickenham town !

Dear me, it is strange, where is Twickenham Ferry ?

(There 's plenty of mud, the stream running down .')
I'm getting an-hungered, and savage feel very,

They 're punctual diners in Twickenham town!
I cannot get over, howe'er I may wish—

They have finished the soup, they 're beginning the fish,
They have had a few glasses of excellent sherry—

I would I were dining in Twickenham town!

Dear me, it is odd, where is Twickenham Ferry ?

(There's plenty of mud, the stream running doicn.')
I'd roast the Conservancy Board like a berry,

For barring my progress to Twickenham town 1
I'm perfectly sober, but something is wrong—

Does Twickenham Ferry exist but in song P
I'm as likely to-night to be dancing in Kerry,

As taking my dinner in Twickenham town !

* Where on earth has he been all this time ? Lazy !! There
never was such a Lazy Minstrel! But, after this contribution,
we are pretty sure to receive a visit from him.—Ed.

Answer to a Correspondent.—"A Lover of Sttae-
speare residing at Pegwell Bay " writes to know where
the line—

" Te potted shrimps with double tongue,"

is to be found in the "Works of the Divine Williams, and
if the coincidence may be taken to refer to the Poet's
peculiar fancy for two dishes at breakfast, the one being
potted shrimps and the other double or " rolled tongue" P
The line he quotes may probably be found in the first folio,
but we have lent ours, and it has not yet been returned.

LETTER TO ASHMEAD BARTLETT, ESQ.

(Care of the Right Son. Mr. Punch.)

Mr Dear Dame Bartlett,—You ought to be more careful now
you have asked yourself into office. You have been, so far, but a
note of interrogation; promote yourself to a full stop now. An 1
for an Eye has scriptural warrant, but the maxim may be abused.

These remarks, my dear Dame, are due to a report of a speech
which you made somewhere the other day. This is a bit of what you
said:—

11 No language was strong enough to condemn the politician who under-
rated the need for England of a paramount Navy. He [Eye, that is] would
pass over the Imperial value of our maritime power—the glory, prestige,
honour, those priceless attributes of a great and self-respecting nation. The
sickly and pusillanimous cosmopolitanism and the flabby and fantastic senti-
mentalism of our day despised these noble heritages of an illustrious past
and laboured to supersede them by the cult of every worthless barbarism and
every antagonistic interest, and by their universal and new-fangled Panjan-
drum, ruinous scuttle, and shame."

Now I never myself heard of any politician who underrated
the need of a paramount Navy. My dear Eye, I thought we were
all agreed about it. But your English, Bartlett—your English!
I would charitably hope that you had taken too much of your hosts'
wine. But you had not. For if you had, you could not possibly
have made such a sentence as " the sickly and pusillanimous cos-
mopolitanism and the flabby and fantastic sentimentalism " clear to
any human being, let alone a reporter. Try it when a little sprung.
Then, dear Dame, what do you think you mean by " a universal and
new-fangled Panjandrum P" What is a Panjandrum P A prescrip-
tion ? a jorum P Unless you were haunted with vague ideas of your-
self in the character of a little round button at top, I am unable to
arrive at the remotest conclusion as to what you thought you meant.
A common Panjandrum is said to be a bind of Javanese Common-
Councilman. A universal and new-fangled Panjandrum becomes an I

unutterable nightmare. A "ruinous scuttle" is also a vile phrase,
especially when suddenly wound up with such a common-place
expression (so unworthy of you, Bartlett) as " shame." Coals are
dear, but scuttles are much as they have been since Oscar improved
them. Think of your parents! Mr. and Mrs. Bartlett, Senior,
will be summoned and fined by the School Board of Eye for not
enforcing your attendance, if you go on like this.

We will part on friendly terms this time, dear Dame, but do take
care. Have you ever read the Ingoldsby Legends ? Hardly, I
should think. But consider this stanza with a variation:—

Lord Salisbury, Randolph, and each Tory man
May say what they please, and may do what they can;
But one thing seems remarkably clear—

They may go out to-morrow, or stay in next year,

Make his borough a " district," or anything try,

They '11 never get quit of the Member for Eye !

Warningly yours, Stsatton Strawless.

A HATEFUL HABIT.

Colonel Sir Francis Bolton, giving evidence at the inquest held
on the poor lady who died from the effect of burns received at the
Inventions Exhibition, deposed that it was a very common practice
to throw lighted matches on the ground at the Exhibition, and that
he had been looking out for an accident of this kind for some months.
Inspector Rowland stated that on the same night he counted twenty
persons who perpetrated this act of callous imbecility. Twenty pos-
sible homicides, and—alas!—one actual one, and all from that
unpardonable " want of thought" which is almost as bad, and some-
times quite as mischievous, as " want of heart." The Coroner and
the Jury agreed that the mischievous habit must be ''put down";
and Mr. Punch hopes that the cruel death of this poor victim of selfish
folly may at least have the effect of hastening on that " consum-
mation most devoutly to be wished."