Punch: Punch (89.1885)

145

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

tSepjember 26, 1885.

ONCE HIT TWICE SHY.

Quest (taking Keeper asideJ.
o' Gunshot of the Squire.
what it used to be ! "

"Look here, Smithers"—i
He does Shoot so precious

half-a-sov.)—"put me out
wild, and my nerve isn't

SOME MORE CONFESSIONS.

To the Editor of the T-m-s.

Sir,—"What your Correspondent, Mr. Samuel Roberts, of Elmer Road, "Woodaide, S.E.,
acknowledges that he used to do in eoncoeting " Special Correspondence " for a Paris news-
paper, is absolutely nothing to what is done constantly in England. When I was on the Staff
of the Hole Haven Daily Argus, we frequently forged and inserted letters bearing such
well-known signatures as " W. E. Gladstone," " Salisbury," &c., and was never once
authoritatively contradicted! Perhaps the distinguished Statesmen I have named did not
habitually peruse the Hole Haven Argus.

But I think our real masterpiece was the forging of a bogus telegram from the Soudan,
giving details of Abu Klea fifteen hours before the battle ivas fought! We only made a
trifling error of a few hundreds in the numbers killed, and put the site of the battle a thousand
miles nearer Khartoum than it really was. But what of that ? It was considered a jour-
nalistic triumph (by our readers), and was due entirely to powerful imaginations and a
perusal of Mr. Murray's valuable Guide-Book to Egypt.

Soon afterward? we published a leading article, consisting simply of two whole pages

stolen from Macaulay, and nobody found
us out ! A slight dispute with the Proprie-
tors as to the value of my services, termi-
nated in my summary ejection from the
Argus premises; but I assure you I bear
the paper no ill-will. Still, I was not sur-
prised when I saw that the Editor had found
change of air on the Continent imperatively
necessary after the publication of that on
dit about the Archbishop of Canterbury
haying been convicted, in earlier days, at
the Central Criminal Court, for forging his
own Ordination Certificate. I say I was
not surprised—the Argus deserved what it
got for having dispensed with the ingenious
pen of Yours obediently,

Sept. 20th. Ex-Editor.

To the Editor of the T-m-s.

Sir,—At the present moment I am resid-
ing in Camber well, but a few months since
[ was in Paris, where I occupied a really im-
portant journalistic position. It was owing
to my complete mastery of every existing
foreign language (and a good many that never
existed at all) that I was appointed to the
simultaneous offices of " Special Correspon-
lent with the Black Flags," to the G-l-s,
'' Our Own Commissioner in the Cholera
Districts" to the" Intr-ns-g-nt," and " Special
Correspondent in Madagascar" to _ the
" F-g-ro," besides doing an occasional
(hogus) "Interview" with some prominent
Politician or Social Star.

You ask how this is worked ? Nothing
simpler. You (or rather I) collect all the
available newspapers published in the dif-
ferent countries where one is supposed to be,
which is the case of Tonquin or Madagascar
is not a protracted task. Then you read
what the Encyclopaedias have to say about the
climate, local customs, appearance of natives,
and so on ; if you can get hold of a trust-
worthy, and at the same time an unknown,
book of travels, so much the better.

In this adroit manner one gets as much
local colour as is needed, and the total result
is a Literary Mosaic of a very rare and valu-
able quality. Its value to me (weekly) was
a couple of hundred francs.

Yours unblushingly, Jeremy Snip.

To the Editor of the T-m-s,

Sir,—Your article on Gaols is one of the
best things I've seen in print for a long
time. You remark that " it may be ques-
tioned whether it is altogether wise to put
high-class criminals, of the embezzling and
financially fraudulent class, to herd with
professional pickpockets and housebreakers."
[ don't know about the wisdom of this ar-
rangement, but I can bear personal testimony
to its being most unpleasant.

I feel sure that confirmation of your
Editorial remarks, from any quarter, will
be welcome. It will perhaps be enough for
your readers if I say that I was "in" at
Dartmoor for a crime in which forgery, em-
bezzlement, the manslaughter of a partner
in a sham Stock Exchange Agency, and
attempted arson, were the chief features of
any public interest.

Believe me, Sir, the brutal Governors of
Gaols have no idea of what is due to social
rank. I expected, of course, to be treated
like what I was, and always shall continue
to be, I hope, namely—a gentleman I But
the whole body of warders treated me as a
Common Convict I "When I threatened to
write to the T-m-s, I was put in a punish-
ment cell for twelve hours ; and I now take
the earliest opportunity (on my liberation
from confinement) to carry out that threat.

I enclose my Tieket-of-Leave (which
please return), and remain,

Yours, &c. Ill-Used.