Punch (89.1885)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [October 3, 1885.

AN "INTERIOR AND EXTERIOR."

Scene—New Building in course of erection in view of Government Offices.

Government Cleric (to Fellow Cleric). " 'Sat, Feed, I 'ye been watching that
Bricklayer foe, the last Twenty Minutes, and he has not bone a stroke

of woek all the time ! the country may well be going to the dogs ! "

Easy-going Bricklayer [to Fellow Artisan). " 'Say, Bill, I've been watching
that 'eke Clerk for the last Half-hour, and, blow me ! he's done
nuthin' all the time ! Taxes may well be high ! Wonder what Pay

he gets for that ? "

SONG- IN A SMOCK-FROCK.

(By a Rural Elector, to a very old Air—"Gee-ho, Dobbin ! ")

People calls me a clodhopper, bumpkin, and clown,
And a chawbacon— some on 'am up there in Town;

Also Hodge, in their newspapers sometimes they styles,
Or as commonly crissens me otherwise Giles.

Gee-ho, Dobbin!

Here be I in a new sart o' carickter quite,

As they tells me, come into an Englishman's right,
And their wonder is how I shall act wi' my vote,

A good deal, they expects like a bear in a boat.

Gee-ho, Dobbin!

Will the Radical chap be the man o' my choice,

Or the Tory persuade me to gie un a voice ?

Shall the Free or Fair Trader my Candidate be,

Or the Friend o' the Farmer the jockey for me ?

Gee-ho, Dobbin!

There be some, what, if they gets the uppermost hand,
Says they 11 gie every cottidger a good bit o' land
For to farm his own self, keep a pig and a eow,

That's your sort, if they '11 help you to find the means how.
Gee-ho, Dobbin!

Them's the fellers I'd vote for, beyond e'er a doubt,
If I thought they could carry their promises out,
Knowun best what my wants be, of sitch I should say
Let them there represent me ; the fittest be they.

Gee-ho, Dobbin!

If I know'd who'd be like so to vote or to speak,

As to bring me a shillun moor wages a week,

'Tis for he that I'd poll, the plain truth to declare,
But there's no beun sartun eonsarnun that are.

Gee-ho, Dobbin!

I knows't 'ood be shameful my suffridge to sell,
And bribery, so penial, perwents me as well.

But what good is a Member to me, a poor man,

Any moor nor to get by un all that I can ?

Gee-ho, Dobbin!

And your gentlefolks, too, the'same purpose pursues ;
They han't nothun to gain, but got summat to lose ;
And their hopes, whosomdever their votes they med gie,
Is of losun the least as can possible be.

Gee-ho, Dobbin!

What although I be called Johnny Raw and John Tbot,
Full as well as my betters I knows what is what;

I shall goo for the main chance as well as I may,

And no doubt vote no wus, if no better, than they.
Gee-ho, Dobbin!

THE BLACK BOARD.

A Fragment of Unexplained Metropolitan Romance.

" The matters at issue are of a kind -which no public tody can venture to
leave unnoticed. The Board is charged with wilful complicity in a disregard
of its own sanitary rules, and with a downright fraud besides, or, in the alter-
native, with conducting its business in so muddled a fashion as to deprive it
of all claim to confidence."—Times.

The two figures emerged from the gloom, and sped oh their way
down the newly-constructed thoroughfare. They paused opposite a
large but dilapidated public-house that stood alone, as if insolently
defying the levelling process that had destroyed all the neighbouring
buildings. The foremost spoke. "And this is one?" he asked of
his companion. A hoarse laugh of assent was his reply, but he
understood its meaning, and, after a pause, approached the flaring
side-door of the premises. There was a low parley in a smothered
undertone with the landlord, broken only by the chink of gold, and
then the two moved on again. "It is something to be a member of
the Metropolitan Board of Works," continued the first speaker.
" Ha ! ha! These foul rookeries pay handsomely for their footing!"
And he fingered the loose coin in his great-coat pockets till its ring
rattled across the deserted site of the new street.

* * . * * * *

They were superintending the laying of obsolete granite pavement
now. The younger speaker had a sinister look in his eye as he
watched the costly and futile process. Then he broke silence—

" ' Bloohsbury ' has asked in the Times" he cried, " whether any
large contract for granite, in which any member of the Board is
directly or indirectly interested, has anything to do with this vexa-
tions and wasteful procedure, How can we answer that ? Ha ! ha!

right merrily, enough I warrant me!" There was a malicious
subacid tone in his voice. His companion responded by a long, low,
wicked laugh, and the too moved moodily away towards Marylebone.

* * * * # *

They have reached a black alley now. A noisome stench hangs
heavily upon the oppressive atmosphere, but they push on. A house
condemned as uninhabitable by the local Yestry is rotting in the
poisoned precincts with a padlock on its door. A second has been con-
demned and is partially destroyed, but the third still stands. This
they approach. They halt on the threshold. " A pretty bit of pro-
perty this," remarks the foremost, with grim humour, "but it is
sweeter work, I can tell you, fingering your money than collecting it.
Bah !_ but I must in and face it! " And so saying, at the same time
muffling himself up with a huge comforter as a protection against the
putrid miasma that meets him on the door-step, he staggers through
the portal and enters the house. The other looks after him, and
then casts an inquiring glance up at the tottering premises. '' Hum,"
he growls, " and that rotten place holds fifty inmates does it ? Well
I 'in blest! However, he knows what he's about - he does, and so,"
and here he gives an ugly chuckle, '11 flatter myself does the
Board ! ". Then with an oath he turned towards Spring Gardens.

******

Not Fur Enough.—It is being said that if we wear fur all the
year round, we shall be cooler in summer and warmer in winter.
Who suggests this ? A Gentleman connected with the furrier
interest ? But has he ever been due North in furrin' parts ? How-
ever, the new teaching won't obtain many adherents; and as for
ourselves, we '11 have our flannels and silks in summer; and as to winter
—well, our mode of dress, then, may be in-furr'd.

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