Punch (89.1885)

204

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[October 24, 18d6.

THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.

Y.—Fbom the Depth of Despaib.

Hatfield, Monday.

eab Toby,

Anxieties, annoyances, and troubles
of various kinds have prevented my
■writing; to you earlier. I suppose there
are people who, knowing that I am
Pr-me M-n-st-r, and (instead of the
ordinary hat of civilisation) go about all
day in a coronet, think I am happy!
A coronet's all very well in its way,
airy, especially at the top, and to some
people of dark and striking visage
becoming. But you have to sleep in it
at night as well as wear it by day, and
that is quite another pair of sleeves, as
we say at Chateau Cecil.

These things are a parable, dear Toby,
which your keen intelligence will unravel
and apply. The fact is, I am not the
happiest of men, and sometimes look
back with tender longing to the time when I was still a cadet, and used to earn a
little pocket-money as a gentleman of the Press. I am popularly regarded as a
man of imperious manner, born to lead, and incapable of following. Yet, it
has happened that of late years I have been in subjection to a will stronger than
my own. There was Beaky for example. You remember how, in my young
days, I "went for" D-zzy, pouring out upon him all the bitter scorn I felt,
partly patrician and partly moral. Then he came to the front, passed us all, took
up an unassailable position, and I bowed my neck to his yoke. _

That was hard to bear. But there were substantial compensations. Besides,
B-c-itsf-ld was my elder, a veteran Statesman who had slowly and laboriously
won his way into a position of command. But look you, Toby, at that young
R-jtd-lph, who has me in tow now. He is young enough to be myson, and
was in jacket and trousers when I was already a power in the State. D-zzy led
me with a certain courteous gravity. But this young man hustles me along,
first this way, then that, with an energy that leaves everything to be desired in
the matters of comfort and courtesy. One never knows where to have him.
If he doesn't have his own way, he immediately sulks and throws out hints of
appearing upon the platform and denouncing us, of which he is quite capable.
I live in a constant state of terror, arising from twofold conditions.
place I dread some new escapade or demand from R-bd-lph ; beyond, that is
the constant fear of something happening in Ireland, or a general revolt of the
Party.

The other day I had a consultation with Cb-ss and Sm-th, and submitted to
them a proposal which will show you how I have fallen. " Let us, my friends,"
I said, " withdraw from this business, leave the country, and in some foreign
land begin afresh, iou, Sm-th, are a man of business, and could turn your
hand to many things. R-nd-lph himself has suggested a particular commercial
avocation for you in copartnership with Cb-ss. You might run a store in the
Far West, or you'd make a capital clerk in a big hotel, or you might open a
bookstall on the Rocky Mountains. There is the making of a capital school-
master in you, my R-cn-sn; or, if you could sing, you might lead a church
choir, or you mia-ht do for a beadle, though a little slim in figure. As for me, I
have no fear. Without further preparation I am qualified to earn fair wages in
a laboratory. I personally conducted the fixing of the Electric light at Hatfield.
I can take photographs, and can do a little conjuring. These openings are
modest, but they will bring with them peace of mind, and we will never more
see R-jtd-iph, Let ns fly I "

They hesitated for .a moment and seemed inclined to
consent. It was a great price, but there was a treat
prize. After talking it over, however, the proposal was
rejected. Cb-ss said: " R-hd-lph will be sure to find us
out, follow us, jeer at me, suppose I got a situation as
beadle, fire squibs in Sm-th's bookstall, and play the
deuce with your laboratory." "There's nothing that
fellow isn't capable of," said Sm-th, with a little shiver.

So here we still are, fighting on under difficulties of
which the public have only the slightest notion. To me
a crushing defeat at the polls would be the sign of
deliverance from a situation becoming daily more insup-
portable. I can only beg your sympathy. When you
see me upon the public platform thundering forth
anathema at the enemy, you will know that my defiant
attitude hides a breaking heart, and will drop a tear for
Your friend, and Markiss
To Toby, M.P., The Kennel, Barks. S-i-sb-ky.

HOW THEY SETTLED IT.

" At the moment of the departure of the Varna mail it is
rumoured that the Sultan has issued an Irade approving the
resolution of the Council of Ministers regarding the proposals
on the Egyptian Question presented by Sir H. 1). Wolff, and
that His Majesty will promptly appoint a Commission in the
sense reported in my previous telegrams."—Times'1 Correspon-
dent at Constantinople.

It having been officially intimated rthat the Mission of
Sir H. D. Wolff to Constantinople has at length come
to a favourable termination, there can be no reason why
the following, the concluding telegraphic despatches
passed between the British Commissioner and Lord
Salisbuby, should not be made public :—

Sir H. D. W-lff, Constantinople, to Lord S-l-sb-ry,
Foreign Office, London.

This Bulgarian business has knocked the " Commis-
sion" into a cocked-hat. I can get no attention from
anyone. It was bad enough before, but now it is simply
outrageous. They don't even tell me to call again. All
I can get from them is that " they don't know me."
This is very irritating, and renders negotiation quite im-
possible. I am prepared to try anything, but what am
I to do ? Please wire instructions.

Lord S-l-sb-ry, Foreign Office, London, to Sir IT. D.
W-Iff, Constantinople.

Your telegram to hand. Very confusing. Not being
on the spot, eannot tell you what you are to do. Act
within your own discretion. Meantime, hint that you
have something to say about the Bulgarian business.
Perhaps they will let you in on the strength of that.
Anyhow try, but do not compromise Her Majesty's
Government.

Sir II. D. W-lff, Constantinople, to Lord S-l-sb-ry,
Foreign Office, London.

A thousand thanks for your excellent suggestion.
I have tried it with much effect. Tone altered at once.
I am to see Haltm Pasha after luncheon. Certainly will
not compromise Her Majesty's Government. Suppose you
will have no objection to my promising active support
as against Russia, Austria, and Germany, and advising
opening of Eastern Question by an appeal to force with-
out delay. Think of threatening Greece as well. See a
fine crop of complications a-head if I follow up this
line, but am confident of the result. Sure to be satisfac-
tory. Better wire by return if you have anything to
add. to this.

Lord S-l-sb-ry, Foreign Office, London, to Sir II. D.
W-lff, Constantinople.

Stop! Most unsatisfactory. You must do nothing of
the kind. Hint what you like, but don't commit Her
Majesty's Government to anything. It must reserve to
itself complete liberty of action. Pray understand this.
Let me hear from you at once.

Sir H. D. W-lff, Constantinople, to Lord S-l-sb-ry,
Foreign Office, London,

Very sorry, but your reply turned up too late. Have
settled everything on the lines indicated in my last.
Full particulars will reach you by despatch in ordinary
course. Her Majesty's Government only slightly compro-
mised. Never mind. Worth the candle. Three cheers
for the Commission ! I'm off to Cairo.

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