Punch (89.1885)

206

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[October 31, 1885.

HORSLEYANA.

Lady (interested in Mr. Horsley's model speech at the
Church Congress, to artist friend). "What are Mr. Hoes-
ley's initials ?

Artist. J. C. HoTtsi/FT. " J " is John.

Lady. And " C," what's that ?

Artist. Evidently, Clothes-Horsley. [Exit.

The other evening Mr. H-bsl-y was dining at the
"Ath-n-m" with the Archb-sh-p of C-nt-eb-by, and
the B-sh-p of L-nd-n, when the following inoident took
place:—

Mr. H-rsl-y (as they were sitting down to the soup,

addressing the Archb-sh-p). My Lord

B-sh-p of L-nd-n (whispering Mr. H-rsl-y, aside).
You should say "Your Grace."

Mr. H-rsl-y (annoyed). I did. I always do, before
dinner and after dinner. (Resuming to Archb-sh-p.)
Shall we order a salad ?

Archb-sh-p (sweetly). Certainly. Bat do tell them
that I prefer it not dressed.

Mr. H-rsl-y (horrified). Undressed!

[ Exit, indignantly, and considers whether he wont
vote for Disestablishment.

Mr. H-bsi-y has token to spectacles. He has con-
scientious scruples against the use of the naked eye in

painting. (To be discontinued in our next.)

WAIST NOT, WANT NOT.

" Many a poor girl hurt her health very materially by trying
to rival the reigning beauty of the day, the Duchet-s of Eut-
land, who was said to squeeze herself to the size of an orango
and a half."—Mary Ft ampton's Journal, 1779-1846.

EXPERIENTIA DOCET?

Wife of Two Years' Standing. " Oh yes ! I'm sure he's not so fond of
Me as at first. He's away so much, neoleots Me dreadfully, and he's
so Cross wheh he oomes home. What shall I do ?"

Widow. "Feed the Brute!"

Our Ladies still are debonnaire ;
Olivia bonnets many wear,

With figured silks so rich and rare
From Allenbi's or Gobeinge's ;
But is there one who can compare
With Rutland's Duchess, all so fair,
Whose waist, we read,

Did not exceed
In size two China oranges ?

Ceime foe the Cautious.—Safe-Robbery !

BOARD TO DEATH !

The following published stipulations, drawn up by a " very
moderate voter," in St. Pancras, show how keen the School Board
contest promises to be in certain quarters. It will be seen that a
spirit of compromise has inspired their drawing up, and that they
do something more than meet the aggressive Educational party half-
way. They will at least be perused with interest, if not patience, by
distracted Ratepayers, who, at the present moment, are at a loss which
way to turn and. what to vote.

1. The frontage of any additional School Board buildings shall, in
future, only be half-dressed with Portland Stone, and the interior
accommodation provided shall not be more than 25 per cent, in excess
of that required for the district, as shown by the published statistics.

2. The Head Master and Mistress shall not enjoy an income of more,
respectively, than seven and six hundred pounds per annum, nor
shall their attendance hours be less than three hours a day for four
days in each week.

3. The Assistant Staff of Professors shall be limited to a dozen, and
no permanent provision shall be made for the teaching of the rudi-
ments of Chinese, advanced trigonometry, or Persian Calisthenics
without a special vote of the Board for the purpose.

4. No infants under three will be expected to present themselves
for education, but on attaining that age their attendance will be
counted on at all the junior classes of Physiology, Applied Science,
and Political Economy, and rigorously enforced by the local agents
of the Board.

5. The proposed limit of the rate to be levied shall be fixed as low
as seven shillings and sixpence in the pound; but in the event of it
being found necessary to exceed this sum to any material extent, it
shall be competent for the members to vote for and pass the extra
amount required without any further discussion whatever.

Such are the " stipulations " referred to; and it is calculated that
a reference to their general provisions will be likely to wake the Rate-
payer to a sense of his responsibility in the forthcoming Elections.

GOOD LAWES!

While the Radicals are talking—rather loosely—about Allotments,
and the Tories joking—just as loosely—about "three acres and a
cow," Sir John Lawes has signified his intention to let out to labour-
ers and others in the Luton district portions of land varying from
twenty pples to an acre, for the growth of vegetables or farm producp.
For the first year he will charge only the amount of the tithe and
rates, and afterwards the allotments will be let at £2 per acre, com-
pensation for improvements being given to tenants upon quitting.
This prompt practical experimenting—very much the reverse of the
Lawes' delay—sounds more earnest, and therefore more hopeful, than
a great many windy promises on one side and spiteful gibes on the
other.

A Crewe-cial Question.

The London and North-Western Railway, perchance,
May prove Melloe, Hodgson, and Latham romance;
But if what Dale reports of their tyranny's true,
The Liberal Ship must look after its Crewe !

Pbovincial News.—Off the Suffolk coast some fishermen caught
an enormous conger-eel, so big that it was taken for a shark, whereat
the shark of course must have been much pleased. On the arrival of
the gallant fisherman at his native town, the local band received him,
playing " See the Congering Hero comes !" The fish was after-
wards sent to the Bishop of Ely, who, the next Sunday, made an
appeal on behalf of the Suffolk Fishermen to his Conger-regation.

oub own tomeool again!

The person whose conversation can throw a light upon any subject,
—The Man with a Lantern Jaw! Ha! ha!