Punch: Punch (89.1885)

240

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 14, 1885.

THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.

YIII.—Fhom "A Political Rodent."

ear Toby,

I daresay you will have
seen, in the public prints
descriptions of the treatment
I have met with at the hands
of my fellow countrymen in
various parts of the Kingdom.
At the present crisis, with a
General Election pending,
and the possibility of a new
Government coming in or the
old one being strengthened
(in either case involving the
disposition of places and
profits), I hold it to be the
duty of every patriot Eng-
lishman to appear on the
scene. I, it is well-known,
am above all things a pat-
riot Englishman, and I have
accordingly appeared on the
platform—upon several plat-
forms in fact. The result
has been identical in every instance. Whether I have spoken in the West of
England, or in my own county of Kent, I have been received with a contumely
that has drawn the line only at dead cats. I am not a man easily put down.
I have a due sense of my own value, and of the value of the views 1 desire to
communicate to the public. When I have prepared expositions of these, and get
on a platform with intent to deliver them, I mean to do so. But only the other
day, a well-dressed mob and I wrestled for three-quarters of an hour, I attempt-
ing to speak, and they determined not to hear, keeping up an accursed chorus of
" Yah, Turncoat! "

Now, Toby, why is this, and why should this be ? I have been before the
public for many years, and have earnestly and disinterestedly sought to serve
them. I was a Lord of the Treasury for seven years, receiving a mere trifle of
£1000 a year. At a slightly advanced remuneration I became Under-Secretary
of State for the Home Department, and then went to the Colonies, where
H-rt-ngt-n, who has always snubbed me, once said he " wished I'd stopped."

When Gl-dst-ne formed his Government in 1880, I was there, quite ready
to serve my country again, and did not scruple to let Gl-dst-ne know this.
But humbly as I think of myself, I was not inclined to go on at the Under-
Secretary rate of pay, and suggested that it was about time I received a pro-
motion which I knew would be gratifying to my countrymen, and contributory
to the Imperial interests. G. did not see things in that light. There was a new
class of men coming on, who claimed the top places at the table, and G. weakly
yielded to them. As for me, he could hardly find words to express his regret
that he could not make me Home Sscretary or Secretary for the Colonies. But
he hoped I would accept a Peerage. At first I declined, not seeing at the
moment how I could serve my country in that position. But he was so persistent,
and is so persuasive, that at length I yielded, really rather to oblige him than
to gratify myself. Yet people say that I importuned him, and represent him as
tossing me a Patent of Peerage partly to get rid of me, and partly to hasten the
decomposition of the House of Lords by lowering its standard.

There is, of course, the little difficulty about my turning round immediately
afterwards and making advances towards the Conservative Party, advanoes
which I am bound to say have not been received with that alacrity I had
expected, and, as I may say, had a right to expect. I own that I was a little
precipitate. If I had to do it over again I would act differently. Perhaps it
would have been as well to allow a year, or say two years, to elapse before I
became what my friend Lord R-nd-lph, very properly applying the phrase to
Lord D-bbt, calls a " political Rodent." To the gross mind, not accustomed to
fairy lore, I admit that having in the early spring been anxious to take office

with G., and failing that having got a Peerage out of
him, the autumn was a little early to turn and bite the
hand that favoured me.

But it was all for the sake of my country. I could not
see my late colleagues hurrying the country to the dogs
without uplifting a voice, which, though a little harsh is
humble. Besides it is not quite the thing in the House
of Lords to be Liberal in politics. It's all very well for a
young fellow like R-s-b-ry, long established and wealthy,
or for a man like Gr-nv-lle, of far-reaching family asso-
ciations. But your parvenu, whether peer or commoner,
nearly always hoists the Tory colours. It may be the
Stupid Party; but it is also the Respectable Party.

Moreover, it was clear there was nothing more to be
got out of the Liberals, while the Conservatives are not
so well off for talent that they could ignore the genius
that wrote Crackers for Christmas, Tales at Tea-Time,
and Snoring for Supper. Then there is my country—
but I forgot, I mentioned that before.

Now, Toby, when you have reviewed this state of
things, and considered this plain unvarnished tale, I am
Sllre, you will agree with me that my reception at
public meetings is inexplicable. The whole thing is
strange to me. I don't seem to have hit the public
taste, and if you could kindly point out where I have
gone wrong, except in that little matter of precipitancy
I have noted, I shall be much obliged. Uriah Heep
liked to be despised. I don't find it altogether comfort-
able. Besides, it interferes with one's profit and promo-
tion. Write soon to Yours despondently,
To Toby, M.P., The Kennel, Barks. Br-b-rne.

IN "NORTHERN LATITUDES."

It is not given to all mortals to evince so Christian a
disposition as did Mr. Pecksniff, on the memorable occa-
sion of his saying to his daughter, "Charity, my dear,
when I take my chamber-candlestick to-night, remind
me to he more than usually particular in praying for
Mr. Anthony Chuzzlewit, who has done me an injus-
tice." Nor does the temperament of Mark Tapley—a.
highly improbable person, by the way, whose like we
shall never look upon again, the patent for such a crea-
tion having died with Charles Dickens—fall to the lot
of very many persons, especially inNorthern Latitudes, and
so it is not surprising that Mr. Edmund Yates, Proprietor
and Editor of the World,—" Edmundus, Ed. Mundi,"
—having decided to give us some accounts of his deten-
tion for seven weeks in Holloway Gaol, should have
honestly endeavoured to avoid the appearance of being
Pecksniflian in his forgiveness on the one hand, and of
being absurdly Tapleyian on the other. The via media
is the course he has chosen, and, as usual, it is the safest
for himself and the pleasantest for his readers.

That the narrative of his sojourn in "Northern Lati-
tudes " should occasionally suggest the idea of " reserved
force " and strained gaiety is only natural, but being
intended as an additional chapter to his cheery Recol-
lections, and to be bound up with the new and popular
edition, it was essential that its tone should be in keep-
ing with that of those two very readable and gossipy
volumes. That he should tell us the story of the trial
as an unprejudiced " bystander," and of his experience of
the interior of the prison quite as an outsider, was neither
to be expected nor wished.

Lookers-on may see most of the game, but it does not
follow by any means that they know most about the
moves, nor that they can give more than a very super-
ficial account of what they have seen. They may see
most, but they don't see it all. We should regret if
Mr. X ates had quite succeeded in the character of a
"Bystander" or Outsider, but he may most certainly
congratulate himself on having so gilded and flavoured
this particular Holloway pill as to make it thoroughly
acceptable to the public.

" Paradise Regained."—It is stated that the Rev.
Mr. Eden, Vicar of Ticehurst, in Sussex, lately seized
some thirty thousand hop-poles for the non-payment of
that rural opprobrium known, and hated, as "extraor-
dinary tithe;" Ticehurst must now understand more
clearly the depth and subtlety of the poet's meaning
when he spoke of " the happy Eden state." Lord Salis-
bury, and other enthusiasts casting about for crushing
arguments against Disestablishment, please take notice !

TO COIilvESPOJiDENIS.—In no case can Contributions, whether SIS., Printed Matter, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied
by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should be kept by the Sender*.