Punch (89.1885)

300 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Decembeb 19, 1885.

Gl-dst-ne of twenty-live. But the Counties were too
much for us, and have rather spoiled my little same.
But we stand pretty well, and I find myself an object of
respectful attention from the Leaders of both parties.
I am afraid that, after all, something will oome of it,
and we shall have to go back to Dublin and enjoy our-
selves there. Fancy, after the comfortable Club at
Westminster, with its pleasant people and its varied
interests, to be shut up in a hall on College Green with
one or two hundred of my fellow-countrymen I I am a
little uneasy at the prospect. After all it may be post-
poned. R-nd-lph, in his happy-go-lucky manner, will
ask us to take what we want and go. Gl-dst-ne, with
his serious way of looking at things, will spend weeks in
elaborating a scheme -which he would press upon our
acceptance. If it comes to the worst, of course the worst
must come. But a word in your ear, my Tour. When
the day arrives that sees Home Rule granted to Ireland,
and it is proposed that I shall sit in Dublin as the President
o f a National Council, or whatever you like to call it, on
that day C. S. P. writes P. P. C. on his political visiting-
card, and passes it round.

In the meanwhile walk up! walk up! 'Hi! hi!
Eighty-five of the most delightful, companionable, intel-
ligent Marionettes ever shown in either Hemisphere.
Walk up I walk up! Eighty-five, and

Tours truly, C. S. P-rn-ll.

To Toby, M.P., The Kennel, Barks.

EICH AND EAEE.

It is well known that many of the presents sent to the
Sultan of Turkey, never found their wayinto the Imperial
Treasury, and therefore were unable to appear in the ex-
cellent descriptive article of the contents of that wonderful
storehouse, published a few days since in the columns of a
" morning paper." As it is the duty of all civilised persons
to supply the missing links, we beg to give a list of a few of
the most interesting, historical curiosities still remaining
uncatalogued, in Constantinople:—

From King Henry the Eighth of England.—Pamphlet
written by His Majesty against Luther, and for which,
the burly Monarch received from the Pope of the period
the title of " Defender of the Faith." Handsomely bound
in calf; it bears the inscription, " Prynted forre Pryvatte
Syrculation," in old English. This book is said to have
once belonged to Anne Boleyn, who used it for propping
up the leg of a wheel-chair that had lost its castor.

From Queen Elizabeth of England.—Portrait of Her
Majesty, set in diamonds (paste). The picture depicts an
exceedingly beautiful maiden, in the first blush of youth
—it was painted when the Queen was sixty-four. Also
the model of a potatoe presented to Her Majesty by Sir
Walter Raleigh.

From Oliver Cromioell, Lord Protector.—Recipe for
the cure of warts, and the rules of a new game of his
own invention called " Leape-frogge."

From King Charles the Second of England. —A col-
lection (numbering many thousands) of old English wine-
bottles (empty).

From King William the Third and Queen Mary the
Second of England. — Portrait of the King from the
Queen, and portrait of the Queen from the King. Also
a Treatise upon " Ye Dyfjiculties of ye English Tongue,"
translated from the Dutch.

From Queen Anne of England.—Certificate of the
birth of Sarah, first Duchess of Marlborough, showing
that her Grace was many years older than Bhe pretended
to be, with a spiteful letter from her Majesty, asserting
this fact.

From King George the First of England.—Intelligence
of the death of Queen Anne, his Majesty's predecessor.

From King George the Fourth of England.—A col-
lection of old wigs, and the complete works of R. B.
Sheridan, uncut.

From Napoleon, sometime Emperor of France.—Picture
of the Battle of Waterloo, by a French Artist (inaccurate).

And from Mr. Punch, Guide of the Universe.—The
gem of the collection. First Number of the London
Charivari (1841), set in its own sparkling coruscations of
wit and humour.

A Conservative Benefit (from their own point of
view).—Of what epidemic have the Conservatives relieved
Reading ? Surely Fever.

ear Toby,

Hi! hi I Walk up, walk
up! the greatest Marionette
show of the season. Eighty-
five of 'em, all sizes and
various names, with a ten-
dency towards O'Connor, war-
ranted to work together in har-
mony. If I hold up my right
hand, all fall flat on their
back. Hi! hi! Walk up,
walk up! If I crook my little
finger, they raise the left leg.
If I whistle, they jump up
and run towards me, stopping
with one accord when the
music ceases. Hi! hi! Eighty-
five representatives of free and
independent electors, all war-
ranted to vote as I bid 'em,
to speak by the hour when
instructed, to remain silent
when so ordered, not to leave
the premises without permis-
sion, in short, to do just what
they are told, ask no ques-
tions, and be thankful for
their weekly wages. Hi! hi! Eighty-five of'em. Walk up, walk up!

What do you think of that, Toby, for patter P It comes pretty near an un-
adorned description of the actual state of things, and though some of you fellows
may sneer, ana make believe to be shocked, I know very well it's simply envy and
apprehension. Till R-nd-lph began to dominate the scene, the Conservatives
had their men in hand pretty much in the same way. They grumbled some-
times, but they voted straight. I wonder what Gl-dst-ne would give to have a
Party as docile as mine? We have no above-the-gangway, or below-the-gang-
way. ' We have nothing answering to your Whigs, Liberals, or Radicals. We
are not a Party. We are One Man and eighty-five counters, and when a division
is coming on that's something to reckon with, I can tell you.

How do I like my companions ? Well, perhaps not much—but that's neither
here nor there. I'm not bound to say too much to them, or to talk to them at
all, and never have been notable for my geniality. I may respect the sterling
qualities of J-s-ph G-ll-s, without insisting upon sitting up all night with
him. I may admire the tepid fluency of S-xt-n, without remaining to listen to
him; and 1 may enjoy the high breeding and gentle manners of T. P. O'C-nn-r
at a distance. Tou don't suppose that any other proprietor of a Marionette
Show spends his leisure moments in company with his wooden-headed, loose-
jointed properties ? We understand each other, au fond, as Joey B. says,
never forgetful of his famous journey to Paris. They are well satisfied with
their position, and I with mine. Moreover than which, our 'private relation-
ships" are nothing to nobody. You hear quite enough of us in public.

Well, and how are'things going in London ? We have been so busy here that
I've hardly had time to read foreign intelligence. Ph-l C-ll-n gave me a deal
of trouble. Ph-l is a nice hoy, sober and industrious in habit, and with most-
reposeful manners.^ As I am not in the House much myself when the Session's
on, I had no objection to his turning up with the rest. But when he set himself
up against my mandate it was a matter of importance to crush him. So I did. I
expect it' s all for the best. He means well, but is dangerous in a Marionette show.
If he went on the rampage he might break up the whole of the machinery.
O'Shea was another difficulty.^ I like O'Shea, He once did me a good turn,
and I was sorry to oppose him in Liverpool. I gave way, it is true ; but it was
too late, and the onlv thing I could do by way of compensation was to put in
O'Hea for Donegal West. Since the House can't have O'Shea, they must put up
with O'Hea ; it's only a matter of sex.

How will all this end, do you think ? Things have not turned out quite so
well as I expected. We did our best in the British Boroughs, and rooked

THE LETTER-BAG OF TOBY, M.P.

IX.—From an Uncrowned (Marionette) King.

Avondale, Monday.

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by a Stamped and Directed Envolope or Cover, Copies of MS. should be kept by the Senders.