Punch: Punch (89.1885)

July 11, 1885.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

17

of Trade Masher ! ") Thanks, very much. Quite like a first night,
don't you know. (Loud applause.) Delighted to meet Harris here,
—I mean Lord Harris,—not Augustus of Drury Lane. (Applause.)
Anyhow, it's my first appearance,—I was going to say on the boards
—of trade—(laughter)—and though at present, you know, I don't
think I know much more than the Duke does himself about the
business, yet I know what " good business" means, and " bad
business "—(laughter)—and that's something. And as to bringing
in Bills, don't you know,—why, I 'ye got a regular pils at'home of all
sorts ; and, talking of theatres, I do hope somebody's going to re-open

the Gaiety. Perhaps Miss

\_Henewed roars of laughter, amid which, as the Private Secre-
tary reveals their unsuspected appointments to a few more
pleased and surprised individuals, the Scene closes.

PUNCH'S OCCASIONAL FABLES.

THE NIGHTINGALE AND THE DRUM.

A Nightingale sat piping on a spray,

At the soft closing of a day in summer,

"When loud belabouring there passed that way
An idle Drummer.

His rattling rub-a-dub the fluting drowned.

" Pooh! " cried the Drum, " you tootlers are not in it.
I whelm you with the volume of my sound
In half a minute.

" I'm grand, sonorous, cyclic! I " But here

The Drummer halted at the " Rose and Thistle,"

And shouted for a tankard of small beer,

To wet his whistle.

The Drum was mum, the bird piped softly on.

" 0 Drum, when thumped you deem the welkin's greeting you,
But all your borrowed blatancy is gone

When one stops beating you! "

Moral.

In spite of loud acclaim and long self-praise,

Tested by Time's unerring equipoise,

A little rill of melody outstays
Niagaras of noise!

"STEADY, SIB, STEADY ! "

Mr. Punch originates but neyer imitates. "Were he inclined to do
so, he might authorise his Prime Minister to follow the lead of the
Editor of the Pall Mall Gazette, who, last Saturday, warned the
public against perusing its next four numbers on account of the
"infernal narrative" which they would contain. Did Mr. Punch
wish to extend his world-wide circulation, he would be inclined to
advertise thus:—

NOTICE TO OUR READERS.

A Frank Warning.

"We have determined to publish the most diabolically sensational
story that was ever written or read. Compared with it the friskiest
and riskiest of French novels is a dry study, and the most thrilling of
English romances an ordinary record of everyday life. The illustra-
tions will be scarifying! Therefore we say quite plainly to all who love
a genuine story of passionate love, hideous revolting crimes, and the
most cruel revenge, that they will do well not to look into Mr. Punch's
next two numbers, in which the fearful narrative of unparalleled

atrocities, of the most abominable facts, with real names of persons

and places, will be completed.

But no,—world-wide circulation is sufficient for Mr. Punch, and
though of course he could such a tale unfold, yet, he never will,—
wishing to remain, not a respecter of persons, nor a respecter of
Mr. Podsnap's "young person,"—but simply a respecter of himself.
By the time this appears, the Pall Mall Gazette will have made our
flesh creep, and of course the rush for the paper will have been
enormous. Perhaps the end, which the P. M. G. keeps stead-ily in
yiew, may justify the means.

" On® in the Eye."—Mb. Ashhead-Bartlett, whose asperity
even victory does not seem to soften, celebrated his success at
Eye by calling Mr. Gladstone a " curse." The defeated Liberals
console themselves with the belief that at the General Eleotion this
particular " curse " (though by no means a chicken) will again " come
home " to rule the Parliamentary " roost."

A FUNNY MAN.

.for

My friend, M'Coloquint of Perth,
"Whose leading Christian name
is Hicks,

Although the kindest soul on earth,
Is over-fond of playing tricks.

At school he frequently got licked
For filling ink-pots up with
bran;

And has, since then, been some-
times kicked—

You see, he's such a Funny
Man!

One day his aged Maiden Aunt
(From whom he expectations
had)

He made the victim of a "plant,"
"Which very nearly drove her
mad.

"Whilst she was in a plaoid doze,
Her cheeks he painted black-
and-tan,

And gilt her venerable nose.
Now, is he not a Funny Man ?

As he can swim like any whale,
It is his favourite diversion

To take his friends out for a sail
And treat them to a cold im-
mersion.

To save them, as they splash
around,

Is part of his facetious plan;

Of course they now and then get
drowned.

"What then ? He's such a
Funny Man!

I've sometimes found it hard to

And harder still to blandly grin

When—asked by him to take a
chair—

I 'ye sate down on a lengthy pin.

This jest he specially affects
And vows that no one surely can

Dispute its comical effects.—
He's such a truly Funny Man!

A Bishop wrote to him to say
He'd call on him next day at
noon

About a Mission, on its way
To christenblacksatthe Gaboon.

Hicks hid himself behind the door
And, with a massive warming-
pan,

Laid out the Bishop on the floor.—
He is, indeed, a Funny Man!

There's naught M'Coloquint
enjoys

More heartily than Boxing
Night;—

Its red-hot pokers, thieving boys,
And buttered slides are his
delight.

You'd scarce believe how many
jokes

He '11 practise with a water-can,

A squirt, or anything that soaks.—
He is a deuced Funny Man !

He's never happier than when
Inventing some astute device

To terrify his fellow men;—

Such as explosive cards and
dice,

A detonating 'bacca-box,
Or elegant electric fan,

Inflicting truly painful shocks.—
He's such a very Funny Man!

And thus with harmless, kindly

jest

He brightens life for many a
one,

"Who, but for him, would be op-
prest

With care, and quite forlorn of
fun.

He wrote his epitaph one day
In waggish mood; it thus
began—•

" Hie facet—Hicks, I meant to
say—

Dead, as alive, a Funny Man!"

Next (Radical) hoys on tee Irish Chess-board.—The Castle.