Punch: Punch (89.1885)

July 25, 1885.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

47


THE NEW FOURTH PARTY. IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FLATTERY.

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday Night, July 13.—Grand triumphal
entry of Gobst, taking his seat after re-election on becoming
Solicitob-Genebal. All the forces of the late Fourth Party mus-
tered to do honour to occasion. Gobst marched up between Randolph
and Wolff, whilst Aeihur Balfoue beamed on the procession from
Treasury Bench.

" Happiest moment of my life," said Randolph. " All my Party
provided for. Little difficulty about Wolffy, but that will be
arranged. Nuisance is, that as we '11 only be in five months, the delay
in gazetting appointment is serious matter. Lost nearly a month's
Balary now. Must frighten Beach. Wish I'd got up, and de-
nounced his Budget Scheme the other night; but soon find another
opportunity. Think I'll take up the Crofters' Bill, and. abuse
Beach for dropping it. That'll fetch 'em. Wolff's appointment
will be gazetted forthwith, and I '11 stipulate that they shall pay him
six months' salary in advance."

Questions growing again. Forty-two to-night, which is something
like old times. Chaplin came out strong on Swine Fever. Paget asked
simple question. Chaplin produced prodigious roll of manuscript.

'■ Surely, he's not going; to read that! " said Hicks-Beach, breath-
lessly. But he was, and did, not omitting a word. House murmured,
coughed, laughed, and finally roared. Randolph kicked him on the
calf, and pretended it was Ashmead-Bartlett. But Chaplin went
on wallowing in particulars, finishing his oration amid hubbub that
made him inaudible.

" If Chaplin's going to do this every night," said Sir Peel, " he
must make his answer as Fitz-Wygram makes his speech."

Fitz-Wygeasi's way certainly novel, and not unattractive. Comes
down with speech prepared on matters relating to Army. Has good
deal to say in miscellaneous manner. Knows House of Commons
hates long speeches, so has hit upon charming device. On Vote for
lien reads a portion of his manuscript, till he observes indications of
impatience on part of audience, and feels a little tired himself. Then
sits down, and Vote is dispostd of. Next Yote on account of Volun-
teers' pay and allowance. Fiiz-Wtgbam catches Chairman's eye,
begins exactly whtre he left off, and goes on till he hears Members
yawning, then pulls hp, Even with all diligence couldn't finish
to-night on successive Votes. Found himself at eleven o'clock with
five pages of manuscript, and Government consenting to report
progress. But wasn't christened Frederick Wellington for nothing.
Didn't serve through Crimean War without picking up a wrinkle.
Dashed in, and began to read. McCoan jumped up, and insisted on
reporting progress. General sat down. Up again when McCoan
reseated.

" Often," said the General, with one eye on the paper, and another
on the enemy opposite, "in these circumstances, horses and camels
die, and become inefficient."

"Order! order!" oried the Chairman. "Question is, that I
report progress, and ask leave to sit again."

Fitz-Wtgbam down like a shot when Chairman rose. Up again
as soon as he resumed his seat. " In 1882 " he continued.

"Order! order!" cried the Chairman.

General now quite bewildered. Only thing to be done was to go
on with his manuscript: —

" In 1882 the Infantry soldiers who were sent to Aldershot"

"Order! order!" roared the Chairman. "Order! order!"
bellowed the Committee; and Fitz-Wygeasi, holding on to his
manuscript as if it were a sword-hilt, sat down, and stared about
him with mute request that some one would oblige him by explain-
ing what was the matter. Finally, on understanding that Fitz-
Wygeam hadn't more than five pages to read, Motion for progress
withdrawn, and the General finished last instalment of speech.

Business done.—Votes on Army Estimates.

Tuesday Night.—In Lords to-night, Nobthbroot very angry
about Beach, who's been '' saying things " about him in the Commons.
The saying amounts to this, that, whereas Childebs reported a
saving of Two Millions on Vote of Credit, present Government, when
they came into office, found little more than One Million in hand, rest
having been disposed of by my Lords of the Admiralty.

" All very well for Nobthbrook to protest and bluster," says the
bland Beamtvell, " but where's the odd Million ? Perhaps_ he's
not personally responsible for it. Accepted what was told him at
the Admiralty. But he'd have done better to say he's very sorry,
victim of system and all that kind of thing, and then join Hamilton
in vigorous effort to improve system. This blowing out of the cheek
and querulous complaint about Beach is nonsense."

Another charge by Beach of preparing torpedo-boats without
torpedo gear, Nobthbeook hotly denounces as "one of the most
extraordinary naval mares'-nests that had ever been found."

" What's a naval mares'-nest ? " I asked Bbassey, who's just
been caught and brought home. _

" Don't quite know. Suppose it's—er—something to do with a—
er—sea-horse, don't you know."

Sensible man, Bbassey. Overwhelmed with labours at Admiralty.
As soon as Ministry resigned went off on a yachting tour and forgot
to leave address. Very angry at being brought back.

" Good gracious, Toby ! " he cried, with unusual access of anima-
tion. "There's nobody such a—er—fool as to suppose I know
anything about the Admiralty. Nice place. Appearance of some-
thing to do. Makes one a Minister, and that sort of thing. If we
were wrong, glad it was done respectably. None of your low fifty
or—er sixty thousand pounds, but a good Million."

In Commons the most agreeable and satisfactory debate heard for
a long time. Stanhope made statement on introducing Education
Estimates, supplemented by speech from Mundella, which shows
enormous strides in national education with corresponding beneficial
results direct and indirect.

Business done.—Education Estimates in Commons.

Thursday Night.—A dreary speech from cnildebs on Budget; a
drearier from the Right Honourable John Gellibband Httbbaed,
commonly known as " Old Mother Hubbard."

"Gellibband means well," said the Sage of St. Anne's Gate,
" and his manner is impressive. But take him all in all, and putting