Punch: Punch (89.1885)

244

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[November 21, 18t5.

MR. PUNCH'S POLITICAL ADDRESS.

TO THE ELECTORS (AND NON-ELECTORS, SCALE AND FEMALE) OF THE
UNITED KINGDOM, AND TO THE WORLD AT LARGE.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Rooey-tooey ! You will all understand that to begin' with. Which is
something: in an Address, I assure yon. 'Tis an old cry, and a hearty one,
suggestive of sincere greeting and honest intent. Whereas the exordium of
many a Parliamentary Candidate is much like the ^melancholy Jaques's " Duc-
damej' namely, " an invocation to call fools into a circle."

Mr. Punch is the only real Independent Candidate. He is the nominee of no
party, or section, or sect. Wire-pullers come not between him and his huge con-
stituency. He is not to be Caucussed into conformity with any " Platform"
whatsoever, save his own, of which he provides all the " planks" himself. As
the accepted Counsellor and Champion of all, he cannot to Party give up what
was meant—and is used—for Mankind.

As to loyally following his Leader, a man cannot correctly be said to follow
himself. And Mr. Punch has no other Leader. He invites the Leaders of all
parties to follow him. Then they will be all right.

As to Manifestoes, Programmes, and Points, Official or Extra-Official, Pour,
or Six, or Sixty, Blue or Buff, or flaming Red, Grand Old, or Mild Middle-aged,
or Friskily Adolescent, Mr. Punch binds himself to none of them. His Mani-
festo is his weekly Journal, and that is always before the Public. His Programme
is continuously unfolded in its pages, and they are in everybody's hands. He
makes his own Points and they are innumerable. He is not a Political Savage,
and does not therefore daub his whole person Blue, Buff, Red or Polychrome.
He combines in himself the ripe wisdom of age with the bright vigour of youth.
He therefore needs no tips from Harwarden or Hatfield, from Birmingham or
from Woodstock.

With " Cries " Mr. Punch has nothing to do. His business is to make men
laugh—wisely, but well. Rooey-Tooey

Mr. Punch, in politics, is all for the Four P's—Principle, Progress, Patriotism
and Peace. But these have, in the interest of the Public, to be interpreted and
applied by a fifth P —Punch himself, to wit. For behold the bearings even of
these super-excellent things lie in their application.

Principle,_ as applied by the Doctrinaires, means dogmatic Dead-lock in
national action, fiscal fetish-worship, and the palsying dictatorship of the
Political Procustes.

Progress, as applied by the fanatic Socialist, means not the speed that wins,
of the trained racer, but the pace that kills, of the runaway colt.

Patriotism — sweet and honourable name! — applied by cock-a-doodling
Chauvinism, comes to signify the selfish, short-sighted swagger with which

the Music-Hall Jingo sickens all men of sense and
feeling.

Whilst Peace, applied by the pragmatical Non-inter-
ventionist, is the policy of the Sloth to be followed by the
fate of the treed Coon.

For the clear interpretation, sparkling illumination, and
proper limitation of the Four P's, Mr. Punch refers the
Public to his own pages, passim.

Mr. Punch advocates all the Liberty that each man can
have without infringing the freedom of another, all the
Peace that is possible without forfeiting the right to war
against insolent aggression and grinding iniquity, all the
Economy that is consistent with keeping our powder dry.
But he would come down like a Thor hammer on lust and
licence, fight, as sturdy Tom Hughes has it, while he
could stand and see, for right, independence, and honour,
and kick to unlimited Limbo any Government whatsoever
that for one day would endanger Britain's fleet-guarded
safety for the sake of a popular Budget. Rooey-Tooey !

Mr. Punch would cherish " Our Boys " of British blood
in our world-sprinkling Colonies as the very apple of the
national eye, the very core of the national heart. Any
political Squeers who proposes to stint or snub these Boys
of ours may expect from Mr. Punch's baton a larrupping
to which the flagellation administered by the indignant
Nicholas was a mere trifle.

He would, in fact, allow the Empire to be disintegrated
as little by flouting the faithful as by knuckling under to
the disloyal.

These be the main outlines of a National Policy, com-
pared with which such things as naughtily obstructive
Lords, RetaliatoryTariffs, Land Allotments, Local Option,
and Disestablishment to-day or to-morrow, are if not
exactly leather and prunella, at least matters of minor
importance and urgency.

Mr. Punch may be trusted to deal with that Jack-in-
the-box Bogey Protection, wheresoever and whensoever it
pops up its foolish head, in his own decisive way. But
he will also recognise the fact, sometimes forgotten by
Doctrinaires that starving] stomachs can't be fed with
formulas.

He will take due "care that the reasonable freedom of
the temperate drinker shall not be sacrificed to the doubt-
ful needs of the drunkard.

As to the Lords—well, they had better mind their eyes
—or rather, their ayes and noes—for Mr. Punch's is on
them.

Concerning that troublesome trio, Lord Landgbabbek,
Alderman Pocketem, and Mr. Btjmble, pheugh! there's
a lad time coming, boys, for them, which, however, will
be a good time for everybody else, Monopolies, Rings,
and "porochial" potterers have notice to quit and
must go.

This Address is not directed to Little Pedlington, nor
calculated for the latitude of Hole-cum-Corner. It is
delivered urbiet orbi, to all Nationsand toallNationalities.
Let Princes heed it and Peoples will be happy! LetPeoples
observe it, and Parties will be atpeace! For him who unites
the Yotes of all, Crowned Heads, as well as others, must
give their Voices. The European Concert shall become a
harmonious reality, whose ensemble might move_ Stbatjss
to envy and Godfrey to emulation, when its various per-
formers obey the baton, and play up to the Pan-pipes of
the great International Conductor, Mr. Bandmaster
Punch. Rooey- Tooey !

Ladies and Gentlemen, there you are! I do not hope
shortly to have the honour of spouting to you from every
platform in the country. See you all dephlogisticated first I
Mr. Punch only speaks from his own platform, and that
he does not only at Election time, but every week all the
year round. So that you all have ever at hand an unfail-
ing fount of political wisdom, and a certain antidote to the
countless columns of blather, and blarney, and bunkum,
and blare and bounce you are con strained to read—or hear
—in your several localities. And a good thing for you all
that it is so, or surely you would get speechified into a
political calenture, and, plunging blindly and despairingly,
drown fathom deep in the ocean of vain verbosity.

As to "hoping I may enjoy the high privilege of repre-
senting you"—visum teneatis amici ? Why affect to specu-
late on a foregone conclusion ? Only this remember, that
whichever Party be returned to office, Mr. Punch, the
non-partisan Member for Everywhere, will be in power!
For therein lies the chief hope of Everybody!

(Signed) 3!

The Sanctum, F*eet Street, November, 1835.