Punch: Punch (89.1885)

262

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [November 28, 1885.

A BALLAD IN POSSE.

(As Sung by Eodge, and Dedicated to Mr. Jesse Collings.)

They 'ye raised my wages half-a-crown,—
But what's the use of that ?

Here's twice the price for Peggy's gown,
The same for my new hat.

Then cheese and butter risen too
And bread gone up as well.

Come, what's a chap like me to do ?

Ah I who on earth can tell ?

I only knows I 've got it hot!—

Fair Trade, Fair Trade,—I love thee'not I

Protective tariffs, bo they said,

Would see my troubles o'er.

But all they've done's to bring instead
The wolf inside my door.

" Protective tariffs " won't go down
With empty plate and cup.

What good's a rise of half-a-crown
When prices all go up ?

" Protective tariffs ? " No,—they 're rot!

Fair Trade, Fair Trade,—! love thee not I

THE MAN FOR THE PLACE.

Among the various questions asked in the House of
Commons—that's the place for "heckling " during the
Session—arose from time to time ioquiries, put to the
late Attorney-General, as to the distinction between
"contentious" and "non-contentious business'' in con-
nection with his office.

The present Attoeney-Geneeal seems desirous to
undertake the "contentious business " department; for
at Burton-on-Trent, on b^ing rudelv interrupted at a
Conservative Meeting, Sir Richard Webstee informed
the unmannerly persons that, if any one of them
would come outside the Hall, "he would accommodate
him " for ten minutes. " The First Law Officer of the
Crown " is an excellent title for a gentleman so ready to
punch a nob. Dash his wig, but he is clearly the very
man for " contentious business," and knows how to take
the law, literally, into his own hands. We shouldn't like
to oppose the Attorney. What! fight Webstee ! No I
Walker! Get our heads in Chancery? No thank you
—we prefer "Crown Cases Reserved."

"Half-Hours with a Naturalist." — Good book.
Reasonable time. Title to match. Half-minutes with a
Metaphysician.

Ethel (who really thinks she must clean some of her old Gloves this TV-inter, times
are so bad). " Do you sell Kid-Revivers ?"

Chemist. "Ye—vbs, M'm. I think you'll find 'Mrs. Gcmmidgb's Iitfant
Cordial' a most excel " [Confusion.

" RIDICULOUS !"

HECKLING A HECKLER.

That a fool may ask more questions than a wise man can answer
we already know, on old, and excellent authority. But it seems
that, when the foolish questioner is himself questioned by a wiser
interrogator, he doesn't always, as the Americans say, "make much
of a show " himself.

A Conservative farmer at Shrewston, we are told, lately put Sir
Thomas Groves, the Candidate for the Wilton Division of Wilts,
through his facings with a series of questions. Well, one good turn
deserves another; so, when he had finished his catechism, up j umps
a labourer—like his newly-enfranchised impudence!—and asks to be
allowed to question the farmer. This is something like the flock
preaching to the pastor, the pews reading homilies to the pulpit.
And the labourer's questions seem to have been smashers.

The farmer had expressed an opinion that "the labourer would
be better paid if corn were taxed." Chaplin, Lowthee, & Co.,
would doubtless agree with him, and had perhaps inspired him.
But this awkwardly inquisitive labourer didn't. "Wasn't it six
shillings a week, and barley bannocks, when the corn was taxed '( "
a-ked he, with almost epigrammatic audacity. Smasher No. 1!
Farmer didn't come up to time with any answer, not having
Chaplin, Lowthee, & Co. at hand to prompt him with some
plausible fiscal sophism, by way of counter. So that awkward
customer of a labourer pegs away again. " Can you tell of a single
measure benefiting the tenant farmer which was passed by the
Beaconsfield Government?" Come that's a wider hit, and less of
a floorer! Yet the farmer again "goes down to avoid," and
answers not. Smasher No. 2! "Hadn't the Liberals protected
them from the raids of ground game P Had they not given them
compensation for improvements, and abolished the Malt-Tax ?"
To this "one-two-three" the farmer does reply. But instead of

countering his persistent foe with a spanking negative, he, we are
told, " amid much excitement, admitted this was true." Which
a.mounts, at most, to " taking his punishment like a man."
Smasher No. 3! The three rounds on this merry mill, Labourer
v. Farmer, went all, therefore, in favour of the former.

It is stated that "the labourer was loudly cheered," No wonder!
If this is the way in which the New Rural Yoter sets to work,
long-despised Hodge will " make some of them sit up," before long.

Communicated.—A School-bored Boy writes, indignantly, to know
why he was plucked for an Examination, when he answered every
question right, specially this one about the Horse, which he was asked
to describe. " This is the way I did it, and showed 'em I knew what a
Cow was as well," says our School-bored Boy

" The Horse is a noble creature, and so is the Cow • he gives us milk and
has four legs, one at each corner, and a tail in the middle, and horns at the
other end ; but not the Horse. If you hit him he won't do it again. He
only kicks at the back. The End."

And the School-bored Boy was plucked for this!! Too had.

" Stock a Buy Baby."—See an article, with this heading, in last
week's number. Mr. Punch begs to acknowledge a number of letters
protesting against "the infant," S. Cronmire's, being considered a
member of " The House." No children are admitted: and no member
of the Stock Exchange is permitted, by the rules, to advertise.

Me. Punch has received " a Presentation Cartoon from Society.'"
It is drawn by Phil May, and certainly May has managed to fill the
page with some excellent likenesses, though Mr. Punch's Showman
doesn't appear "to have come out very well." However, "The
promise of May " has been most satisfactorily fulfilled.