Punch: Punch (89.1885)

Augdst l, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

57

§mm\ ®i)ss.es B. font.

BORN, 27th APRIL, 1822. DIED, 23kd JULY, 1885.

An" Iron Soldier! When red War unfurled

O'er all the myriad leagues of the New World

Its desolating banner, when fierce hate

And brother-sundering feud first shook the State,

Two noble names shone chiefly, Lee and Ghaut.

These twain, titanieally militant,

Shocked like conflicting avalanches. Now

Peace, brooding o'er the land with placid brow,

Sets the great fighters fallen. He at last,

The calm, tenacious man, who seemed to east

Defiant looks at Death, the stoic stern,

Whom long-drawn anguish eould not bend or turn,

Lies prone, at peace, after such stress of grief

As must have found the summons glad relief.

An Iron Soldier! If, as f'oemen say,

Mixed with true metal much of earthly clay

Marred the heroic in him of full state,

His land will not record him less than great,

Who, in her hour of need, stood firm, and stayed

The tide of dissolution. Unafraid

The people's heart, the patriot muse, may vaunt

The golden service of Ulysses Grant.

OVER-PRESSURE.

He. "Did you go to hear Me. George's Lecture?"

She. "No. Who's Mr. Geobge ? " (Pause.)

He. " Did you go to hear Joachim ?"

She. "No. Who's Joachim ? " (Pause.)

He. "Have von heard St. Paul at the Albert Hall?"

She. "No. Who's Sr. Paul?" [Gives it up.

TO SOME DISTINGUISHED AMATEURS.

Me. Creswick, honourably associated so many years in
theatrical management with Mr. Shepherd—they were
the Managerial Siamese twins, the inseparable " Shep-
herd and Creswick "—is going to take leave of the Stage.
We thought he had retired altogether long ago, but are
delighted to find the Cres-avick not snuffed out, but
gleaming with all its former fire. But this is what we
have tocsuggest, and we suggest it to the Archiest of the
Campbells, who will be only too pleased to play in, or
out of, Coombe Wood, and readily wood coombe to the
assistance of the veteran tragedian. Are not " The
Pastoral Players " the very people to do their very, best
for the man who, throughout his professional career, was
always associated with a Shephebd ? Do this: help
him by hook or by crook.

What a beautiful real Snow Scene the Pastoral Players
might have in the winter ! and why not a Snow Pantomime
with a dance afterwards,—a Snow Ball to follow? But
revenons a nos moutons, as Charles Lamb taid.

N.B.—The Committee for the Creswiek Benefit meets
at the Lyceum^Theatre,.Thursday, July 30th, at 2 30 p.m.

QUITE ABOVE BOAED.

The evidence elicited by the Select Committee appointed to inquire
into the recent discrepancies in the Admiralty Accounts, having very
naturally created in the minds of the present officials some slight
confusion as to the precise nature of the responsibility falling upon
them each individually in the discharge of their respective duties,
the following brief preliminary "Paper of Regulations" for the
guidance of the Secretary has already been issued by the Authorities
at Whitehall:—

The Secbetaby or the Admiralty.

_ To obviate for the future any possible misconception as to the
limits of the Secretary's official right of interference either with the
sanguine temperament of his Chief or the sportive arithmetic of his
subordinates, he shall, in time of peace, endeavour to make things
pleasant all round—

(1) By avoiding nasty questions that can only lead to disagree-
ables ;

(2) By putting a kindly and genial construction on suspicious-
looking Estimates; and

(3) By playfully saying to the First Lord, if possible, after a good
dinner at the Accountant-General's, " You must play your own little
game on your own responsibility, you know. Ha! ha ! Don't mind
me ! Bless you, I'm not watching you."

_ In time either of war, or of immediate preparation for it, then a
little more general latitude should mark the Secretary's conduct;
and, to enable him efficiently to dispose of the, very probably,
embarrassing problems that will present themselves to him in the
course of business, it will be his duty to get hold of a thoroughly
comic Contractor.

This personage, who should be able to imitate animals, and do
some amateur conjuring, the Secretary should at once button-hole,
and, by way of leading up to Government business, ask him a few
good old-fashioned Conundrums. Starting, for instance, with the
well-known amusing puzzle of the Man " going to St. Ives," he
should gradually introduce the departmental matter in hand, and
drop into the sly official humour it will be, above all things, neces-
sary to maintain, with some such question as, " If the Government
wanted twelve colliers at a pinch, with or without crews, for the
purpose of despatching them either as transports, ironclads, or
pleasure yachts, with—no matter how many men—to—never you
mind where, how long would it take them to get there and back, and
what would be the figure at half-a-crown for the first hour and
two shillings for every hour afterwards ? "

As the Contractor won't be able to answer this at once unless he is
very funny, or has heard it before, the Secretary should not miss his
chance of scoring, but as soon as his companion is fairly in fits over
it, get out a two-headed halfpenny and olfer to toss him the best out
of three whether he shall put the sum, in an anonymous letter to
the Secretary of the Treasury, roundly at £500,000, or hint that it
will be comfortably covered by a five-pound note.

By this time the Contractor will in all probability have gathered
correctly that the sole official idea is to keep up the traditions of the
Department, and propose to finish the interview with a pantomime
rally. In this, of course, the Secretary will join him; and just
popping his head into the First Lord's Room on his way down-stairs,
and shouting, "Oh, you're the best judge of the emergency, are
you ? Well—I wouldn't be in your shoes hurry him to the street
with a back somersault or two, and return again to his room, conscious
of the fact that, as far as he is concerned, the country shall have,
at all events as yet, no reason to complain that a good old honest
Admiralty joke is a thing of the past.