Punch: Punch (89.1885)

September 12, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 129

WOMAN'S LOGIC.

Lady (who does not quite know the Rules of the Road). "Let me see, John—to which Side of the Road do I keep?"
John. "To th' Left, Mum."

Lady [feeling she is now clear on the subject). "Oh, yes, now I remember ; and I keep to the Right, comino back!"

THE MODEL WIPE.

(Not after Iago. By a Lonely Bachelor.)

WAFTED.—A Spinster of any age she will own to under thirty.

Must be an Orphan—if friendless all the better. No relatives
at all for choice, if any, none that she would want to know if I didn't
wish. Positive disinclination to dances and evening parties. Absolute
abhorrence of the society of any but rational and thinking people.
Detestation of all customary and common amusements, suoh as cards
and backgammon. Appreciation of excellence in Art, Literature,
and Music, but executive ability, in any line, no consequence; except
cookery and practical needlework, domestic tailoring, and other
industries. Preference for economy in ostentation rather than in
comfort, aiid particularly than in food and drink, and, rather the
latter. Refusal to comply with any fashion which is grotesque or
inconvenient. No fads such as induce many ladies to attend public
meetings, and subscribe to bosh. No interest in popular actors,
authors, or speakers, merely on account of their popularity; no admi-
ration of any celebrities simply as such—no running after Lions, unless
incidentally at the Z.G. Disposed to bodily exerciseT-would usually
walk rather than ride. Passably good figure; face plain in the proper
sense of the word—not ugly, but no beauty to spoil. Ho care whatever
for anybody's admiration except mine.—Apply at the Matrimonial
Chronicle Office. Photograph at request—to be returned if unsatis-
factory—and please don't call it " photo." Address, " Ccelebs."

From the Listeners to the Leaders.

Oh, why are your speeches so acrid and dry,

So like a stale mixture of verjuice and chaff ?
If you are so fagged you can't give us a " Cry,"
At least you might give us a laugh!

A Model Cricket Match.—One that begins with a " draw," but
does not end with one.

"ENGLAND AS HE IS TREATED" IN GERMANY.

About a fortnight ago a party of English tourists, consisting of a
Major in the British Army, his daughter, and two male friends, were
arrested in a Frankfort cafe, marched through a crowd, and finally
thrown into prison. There they were incarcerated for half a day,
and there no doubt they would have remained much longer, had not
a chance meeting with a London solicitor led to their restoration to
liberty. The only charge against them was that one of their number
bore some supposed resemblance to the photograph of a man more
than twenty years his senior. As nothing seemingly has been done
to compensate these outraged travellers, it will be as well to publish,
for the benefit of intending tourists, the German answers, translated
into English, that the foreign police are likely to give in response to
remonstrances made on similar future occasions. It may be called—
Replies fob a Trip of Pleasure.

Yes, although you have not finished your cutlet, you must come
along with us.

Quite so. Though you have your arms pinioned, your daughter is
merely handcuffed.

No; you will not be told why you are treated thus, beyond being
informed that a man who wears a red tie might be guilty of any
kindred atrocity.

Certainly it is true that your two male friends are lying in the
deepest dungeons beneath the castle's moat.

Yes, your Aunt will certainly be_tortured unless she confesses.

You are not far wrong in supposing that the man you say is your
brother will be sentenced to penal servitude for life.

It is against the rules to furnish you with pens, ink, and paper,
even to enable you to write a letter to the Times.

You cannot be put in a cell by yourself. Yes; the felon chained
near you is accused of murder.

You may say or do what you please, but, mark us—you will get no
redress !

Women's Rights.—The Elective Franchise, and Female Voters
allowed to marry the men of their choice before the Registrar.