DOI issue:
September 12, 1885
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17759#0139
132
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[September 12, 1885,
FITZDOTTEREL; OR, T'OTHER AND WHICH?
[By the Earl of L-tt-n.)
" Supposing I was you,
Supposing you was me,
And supposing we both, was somebody else,
I wonder who we should be."
Canto III.—Love and Lucbe.
" A German Frdulein, young, and fair, and fond,
With ochre hair and eyes of China-blue,
Yearns inexpressibly to correspond,
At once, with some young Teuton, with a view
To Matrimony. Wealth hath she beyond
The dreams of avarice, quite enough for two.
An early interview could be arranged.
N.B.—If wished, Photos might be exchanged."
" By Cupid, Pumpernickel, here 's your chance!"
Cried. Beevor, reading the above advertisement.
" I see an opening here for True Romance.
Nay, do not scowl, I tell you nothing pert is meant
By my remark. I see, Pump, at a glance,
That by this notice, naive though slightly curt, is meant
Beauty phenomenal, a spirit clear,
And something like ten thousand pounds a year."
" Bosh! " grunted Pumpernickel, bending over
The Ramayana. " I must quite refuse
To play the part of advertising lover,
Or help support the Matrimonial News.
Can you not see this hackneyed rot must cover
A coarse and cockney soul ? " " No, in your shoes,"
Replied Fitzdotterel, " I should answer her, man!
Ah me ! I only wish I were a German! "
" "Why, so you are," said Hermann, with a sneer,
" By our agreement." " Ah! of course," cried Beevoe,
" I never thought of that." " Your course is clear,"
Pursued the Teuton. " If you're a believer
In such stale clap-trap, if you do not fear
' Playing up' to this scullion-souled deceiver,
And want to get into a pretty pickle,
Answer, and sign yourself H. Pumpernickel."
Mighty is Instinct, mightier still is Doom I
(This has no meaning, but it sounds like Omen.)
That little joke in Pumpebnickel's room,
That friendly frolic interchange of nomen,
Auroral gladness or Cimmerian gloom
"Was pregnant with. Fitzdotterel worshipped women,
His soul was simple, sympathetic, saintly.
His sense of humour glimmered rather faintly.
All hail, Absurdity ! Without thine aid
D illness would rule the world in hall and hovel.
Where without thee were Satire's pleasant trade ?
Did not humanity in thy bathos grovel,
There were no lure in Love for man or maid,
No stuff for the third volume of a novel.
No writer, then, can contemplate with levity
Dual Control of Common-Sense and Brevity.
That Condominium, though, is still remote.
Fitzdotterel, spite of Pumpebnickel's mockery,
Felt that this German Girl he madly loved ;
His soul was rather Rousseauish than Cookery.
Sentiment callow-brained and cheveril-gloved
Leads to much breaking, both of hearts and crockery.
Beevor—as Pumpebnickel—therefore wrote
The following seductive little note.
(He penned it in a wood, at the dictation
Of an old elm. Pray, don't suppose I joke.
Trees are " fair cautions " at confabulation ;•
Don't you remember Tennyson's " Talking Oak "?
Fitzdottebel always went for inspiration
Into the Forest, penning what it spoke
Unto his heart. His book, Whines from the Wood,
The Morning Pump considered very good.)
" II. P., a Teuton twenty-two and wealthy,
Has seen Lone Gretohsk's sweet Advertisement,
And straightway through his soul Love's footsteps stealthy
Stole conqueringly. He will be well content
To marry her; but, just to prove her healthy
Scorn for the huckster charms of cent.-per-cent.,
He wishes her, before he corresponds.
To invest one-half her wealth in Turkish Bonds.''
Love at first sight's stale stuff for the Romancer,
Love per Advertisement is far more fresh.
Why should it not as excellently answer
Twin souls space-sundered swiftly to enmesh ?
Hebmann, whose temper was as crabbed aa Cancer,
Said Love must make appearance in the flesh
Ere o'er him he would exercise his spell.
But 'twas not so with young Fitzdottebel.
His love cared naught for flesh or photos. No!
An Astral Body, vouched by Mr. Sinnett.
Would have sufficed his yearnings. (Here afloiv
Of Mystic Lore sets in. We'll not begin it.
It runs through seven hundred lines or so.)
Fitzdottebel pined for Gretchen's love. To win it
He was prepared all measures to exhaust,
To dote like David or_to sin like Faust.
But Beevoe, rushing forth to post his note,
His heart a-thump, his pulses in a flutter,
Butted against Hebr Edelweiss, and smote
The poor old pedant plump into the gutter.
0 Destiny! how you must grin and gloat
To see how Man, for all his fume and splutter,
Is but thy Shuttlecock! There is a game
By ladies loved, Badminton is its name,
Which is a truer type of human life
Than—(Scissors through six pages !) Edelweiss
Sonn wormed out Beevob's secret. Like a knife
Cut his keen scorn. " Ach Hitnmel! this is nice! "
He shouted. " A Fitzdotterel seek a wife,
Like some erotic shop-boy! " In a trice
Beevor perceived that he had played the noodle,
And fawned on Edelweiss like a spanked poodle.
" Fitzdotterel, Keep your Pecker up ! Though humbled,"
Said Edelweiss, " respect your family motto.
Give me the letter." Poor Fitzdotterel fumbled
In all his pockets. Where could it have got to ?
Alas ! when in the gutter those two tumbled,
(0 Fate, thou 'rt stern as Germany's iron Otto !)
The note had dropped. The sequel Fancy painted.
Fitzdottebel flopped upon the floor, and fainted.
A sort of Operatic Rigmarole
Is Life ! (Here Pegasus is off again.
But, though his pace is pretty on the whole,
The flying steed requires a tightish rein,
And we shall never reach our distant goal
If thus he keeps " cavorting round,"—that's plain.
Snip ! There go Ptolemy JEuergetes,
Euclid, the Vedas, and the Dukes of Guise .')
That letter went! Some good Samaritan
Had from the pavement picked and posted it.
Edelweiss, dear Polonius-like old man,
Learned, but owlish as to mother-wit,
Could hit upon no more sagacious plan,
(i Than to advise the tangled twain to flit.
" One folly drives another out sometimes,
So what say you to trying foreign climbs ? "
One pun—an old one—makes the whole world kin.
'Tis as heart-opening as rum-punch or platitude.
Oh (Scissors /) Beevor " twigged " with a broad grin.
" Hoch!" cried he, striking an heroic attitude,
" Let's join the Alpine Club, and strive to win
Penny-a-liner fame and Gossip gratitude,
By scaling some tall peak's untrodden snow,
Like that Excelsior fellow, don't you know 1 "
They started, Beevoe as Herr Pumpebnickel,
^ Hermann as Lord Fitzdottebel, whilst that letter
Flew on to cheat Lone Gbetchen. Here's a pickle I
Could Collins or Gabobiau mix a better ?
It promises sheer smash. But Fortune's fickle,
Roses entwine Fatality's iron fetter ;
And when things seem in the most hopeless dead-look,
Romance strikes out a road to joy and wedlock !
Thjsatbical.—Mr. Pabnell has issued his "Programme." Like
some other " Managers " he makes no charge for it. But the per-
formance, if ever attempted, will prove a very expensive one, the
curtain will have to be rung down before the end of the First Aot,
the company will be promptly disbanded, the Star Actor hissed off
the stage, and the management become bankrupt.
iggr TO CORRESPONDENTS In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Mattel, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied
by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should bo kept by the Senders,
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[September 12, 1885,
FITZDOTTEREL; OR, T'OTHER AND WHICH?
[By the Earl of L-tt-n.)
" Supposing I was you,
Supposing you was me,
And supposing we both, was somebody else,
I wonder who we should be."
Canto III.—Love and Lucbe.
" A German Frdulein, young, and fair, and fond,
With ochre hair and eyes of China-blue,
Yearns inexpressibly to correspond,
At once, with some young Teuton, with a view
To Matrimony. Wealth hath she beyond
The dreams of avarice, quite enough for two.
An early interview could be arranged.
N.B.—If wished, Photos might be exchanged."
" By Cupid, Pumpernickel, here 's your chance!"
Cried. Beevor, reading the above advertisement.
" I see an opening here for True Romance.
Nay, do not scowl, I tell you nothing pert is meant
By my remark. I see, Pump, at a glance,
That by this notice, naive though slightly curt, is meant
Beauty phenomenal, a spirit clear,
And something like ten thousand pounds a year."
" Bosh! " grunted Pumpernickel, bending over
The Ramayana. " I must quite refuse
To play the part of advertising lover,
Or help support the Matrimonial News.
Can you not see this hackneyed rot must cover
A coarse and cockney soul ? " " No, in your shoes,"
Replied Fitzdotterel, " I should answer her, man!
Ah me ! I only wish I were a German! "
" "Why, so you are," said Hermann, with a sneer,
" By our agreement." " Ah! of course," cried Beevoe,
" I never thought of that." " Your course is clear,"
Pursued the Teuton. " If you're a believer
In such stale clap-trap, if you do not fear
' Playing up' to this scullion-souled deceiver,
And want to get into a pretty pickle,
Answer, and sign yourself H. Pumpernickel."
Mighty is Instinct, mightier still is Doom I
(This has no meaning, but it sounds like Omen.)
That little joke in Pumpebnickel's room,
That friendly frolic interchange of nomen,
Auroral gladness or Cimmerian gloom
"Was pregnant with. Fitzdotterel worshipped women,
His soul was simple, sympathetic, saintly.
His sense of humour glimmered rather faintly.
All hail, Absurdity ! Without thine aid
D illness would rule the world in hall and hovel.
Where without thee were Satire's pleasant trade ?
Did not humanity in thy bathos grovel,
There were no lure in Love for man or maid,
No stuff for the third volume of a novel.
No writer, then, can contemplate with levity
Dual Control of Common-Sense and Brevity.
That Condominium, though, is still remote.
Fitzdotterel, spite of Pumpebnickel's mockery,
Felt that this German Girl he madly loved ;
His soul was rather Rousseauish than Cookery.
Sentiment callow-brained and cheveril-gloved
Leads to much breaking, both of hearts and crockery.
Beevor—as Pumpebnickel—therefore wrote
The following seductive little note.
(He penned it in a wood, at the dictation
Of an old elm. Pray, don't suppose I joke.
Trees are " fair cautions " at confabulation ;•
Don't you remember Tennyson's " Talking Oak "?
Fitzdottebel always went for inspiration
Into the Forest, penning what it spoke
Unto his heart. His book, Whines from the Wood,
The Morning Pump considered very good.)
" II. P., a Teuton twenty-two and wealthy,
Has seen Lone Gretohsk's sweet Advertisement,
And straightway through his soul Love's footsteps stealthy
Stole conqueringly. He will be well content
To marry her; but, just to prove her healthy
Scorn for the huckster charms of cent.-per-cent.,
He wishes her, before he corresponds.
To invest one-half her wealth in Turkish Bonds.''
Love at first sight's stale stuff for the Romancer,
Love per Advertisement is far more fresh.
Why should it not as excellently answer
Twin souls space-sundered swiftly to enmesh ?
Hebmann, whose temper was as crabbed aa Cancer,
Said Love must make appearance in the flesh
Ere o'er him he would exercise his spell.
But 'twas not so with young Fitzdottebel.
His love cared naught for flesh or photos. No!
An Astral Body, vouched by Mr. Sinnett.
Would have sufficed his yearnings. (Here afloiv
Of Mystic Lore sets in. We'll not begin it.
It runs through seven hundred lines or so.)
Fitzdottebel pined for Gretchen's love. To win it
He was prepared all measures to exhaust,
To dote like David or_to sin like Faust.
But Beevoe, rushing forth to post his note,
His heart a-thump, his pulses in a flutter,
Butted against Hebr Edelweiss, and smote
The poor old pedant plump into the gutter.
0 Destiny! how you must grin and gloat
To see how Man, for all his fume and splutter,
Is but thy Shuttlecock! There is a game
By ladies loved, Badminton is its name,
Which is a truer type of human life
Than—(Scissors through six pages !) Edelweiss
Sonn wormed out Beevob's secret. Like a knife
Cut his keen scorn. " Ach Hitnmel! this is nice! "
He shouted. " A Fitzdotterel seek a wife,
Like some erotic shop-boy! " In a trice
Beevor perceived that he had played the noodle,
And fawned on Edelweiss like a spanked poodle.
" Fitzdotterel, Keep your Pecker up ! Though humbled,"
Said Edelweiss, " respect your family motto.
Give me the letter." Poor Fitzdotterel fumbled
In all his pockets. Where could it have got to ?
Alas ! when in the gutter those two tumbled,
(0 Fate, thou 'rt stern as Germany's iron Otto !)
The note had dropped. The sequel Fancy painted.
Fitzdottebel flopped upon the floor, and fainted.
A sort of Operatic Rigmarole
Is Life ! (Here Pegasus is off again.
But, though his pace is pretty on the whole,
The flying steed requires a tightish rein,
And we shall never reach our distant goal
If thus he keeps " cavorting round,"—that's plain.
Snip ! There go Ptolemy JEuergetes,
Euclid, the Vedas, and the Dukes of Guise .')
That letter went! Some good Samaritan
Had from the pavement picked and posted it.
Edelweiss, dear Polonius-like old man,
Learned, but owlish as to mother-wit,
Could hit upon no more sagacious plan,
(i Than to advise the tangled twain to flit.
" One folly drives another out sometimes,
So what say you to trying foreign climbs ? "
One pun—an old one—makes the whole world kin.
'Tis as heart-opening as rum-punch or platitude.
Oh (Scissors /) Beevor " twigged " with a broad grin.
" Hoch!" cried he, striking an heroic attitude,
" Let's join the Alpine Club, and strive to win
Penny-a-liner fame and Gossip gratitude,
By scaling some tall peak's untrodden snow,
Like that Excelsior fellow, don't you know 1 "
They started, Beevoe as Herr Pumpebnickel,
^ Hermann as Lord Fitzdottebel, whilst that letter
Flew on to cheat Lone Gbetchen. Here's a pickle I
Could Collins or Gabobiau mix a better ?
It promises sheer smash. But Fortune's fickle,
Roses entwine Fatality's iron fetter ;
And when things seem in the most hopeless dead-look,
Romance strikes out a road to joy and wedlock !
Thjsatbical.—Mr. Pabnell has issued his "Programme." Like
some other " Managers " he makes no charge for it. But the per-
formance, if ever attempted, will prove a very expensive one, the
curtain will have to be rung down before the end of the First Aot,
the company will be promptly disbanded, the Star Actor hissed off
the stage, and the management become bankrupt.
iggr TO CORRESPONDENTS In no case can Contributions, whether MS., Printed Mattel, or Drawings, be returned, unless accompanied
by a Stamped and Directed Envelope or Cover. Copies of MS. should bo kept by the Senders,