Punch: Punch (89.1885)

November 14, 1885.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

233

Khan-did-eight.

SORROWS OF A METROPOLITAN CANDIDATE.

Wnn an amount of ignorance upon such matters of which I really
ought to be heartily ashamed, I naturally concluded that the terrible
fiasco of my first public meeting was fatal to any hopes I might have
previously entertained of devoting my-
self to the service of my country in
the Commons House of Parliament;
but, to my great astonishment, my
Agent came up to me smiling, and
saying that upon the whole we had
done very well, as the Hall was packed
with all the tag-rag and bob-tail of the
neighbourhood, as he curiously desig
nated them, and that he had just heard
news which, if true—as he would ascer-
tain before seeing me again—would so
largely improve my chance of success
as to make it almost a certainty. Some-
what reassured by his cheerful tone and
manner, I sought my quiet home, and slept the sleep of the hopeful.
One thing I had quite resolved upon. No more public meetings for
me—no, not if my election depended upon it. That grinning crowd,
with their shouts of laughter and derision at every little blunder
that I made, that awful-looking Clock with its almost immovable
hands, and the fierce questioning to which I was subjected, were all
so impressed upon my rather nervous temperament that I felt a
repetition of it would be too terrible to endure.

My Agent kindly gave me two or three days to recover myself,
and then brought me the very satisfactory information to which he
had previously alluded. It appears that before even the most pa-
triotic of mankind is allowed to aspire to assist in the government of
his country as an M.P., he must deposit with the Returning Officer
of the district he desires to represent the sum of two hundred pounds
towards the necessary expenses of the election. I had not myself
heard of this little matter previously, it having probably escaped the
recollection of my friend and Agent. It appeared then that, for-
tunately for me, my opponent, although a Patriot of the deepest
dye, and of most liberal principles as regards the more equal distri-
bution of other people's property, possessed, literally, none of his
own. "When, therefore, the demand for two hundred pounds was
made upon him, he, to use his own impassioned language, threw
himself on his country, or, in other words, consented to the opening
of a public subscription in the local paper, which, after being an-
nounced for a fortnight, had produced the totally inadequate sum of
£16 18s. together with nine postage-stamps from warm but
impecunious admirers.

The result of a long discussion between us was, that I should at
once seize upon every available opportunity of enabling my possible
constituents to contrast my supposed abundant wealth with my op-
ponent's palpable want of it. So, placing a cheque for a very con-
siderable amount in his hands, I left its expenditure to his sole
discretion. During the following week I had the gratification of
seeing my humble name announced as subscribing very handsomely
to all sorts and conditions of public subscriptions, with the most un-
expected result that while every Treasurer in my District called on
me to solicit a handsome donation, I found myself denounced in the
opposition Local Press as trying to buy with money what I could not
obtain by merit, and the Independent Electors were asked if they
were going to bow down before the Golden Calf! and allow them-
selves to be sold like Cattle! I never was so shocked in all my life.
I was actually afraid to walk through the streets by day for fear of
being recognised and mobbed. I sent to my Agent to cease from
further operations of the same kind, but he replied that he had gone
so far that it would be useless to discontinue now, more especially as
he had heard my liberality spoken of very highly in several influential
quarters.

Sitting in what I call my Study, perplexed and bewildered, and
heartily regretting that I had allowed my ambition to overpower my
discretion, who should rush in but the companion of my youth and
the friend of my manhood, with whom I was formerly in the habit of
taking sweet oounsel, who, dashing his hatdown on the table, shouted
out at the top of his voioe, " Well, if you haven't been and gone and
done it now, it's a pity! " Astonished and_ alarmed at his unusual
energy, I begged him to explain himself, which he did by proving to
my entire satisfaction, if I can use such a word to denote horrible
conviction—that my so-called liberality was in the eye of the Law,
" giving something valuable to influence the voting at an Election,"
which under the 3rd Part of the 3rd Schedule of the 3rd Section of the
Corrupt and Illegal Practices Act, was punishable by a fine of £200,
or Imprisonment for One Year ! at, he supposed, the option of the
Judge!

Hitherto Unpublished.—A Cutting Reply from Mr. Gladstone.
—" Sir, I am responsible for my own Axe."

"THE DUCAL CREATURE."

The next time the Duke
plays at Brighton Pavilion,
he will play " Dulce Dome-
um." This will henceforth
be known as "the air of
Brighton." But the Duke
of Edinburgh ought not to
play only on the violin. He
should be a proficient on the
national instrument of the
land that gives him his title,
and come out powerfully on
the bag-pipes. As his Royal
Highness — who, if he be
always as nervsus as he was
the other day, will have to
be known as His Royal Shy-
ness —only plays for Chari-
ties, there will be no neces-
sity to " pay the piper." But
whenever or wherever His
Royal Highness the Duke
pipes, he will never have to
complain that there were not
plenty of people to dance
attendance. Eor ourselves,
rapturously fond as we are
of violins, bagpipes, and
Dukes, yet we should prefer
the air, " Within a Mile
of JEdinbro\" and we would
alter "a mile" to "five miles," at which convenient distance we
would be content to remain during the Ducal performance, in order
to make room for those to whom proximity to the player may be
even a greater delight than it would be to us.

Hang up de fiddle and de bo-o-o!

Hang up de fiddle and de bow !
He must take to de pipes must de Duke

of Ed

Must de Duke of Ed-in-bro'-o-o !
Must de Duke of Ebinbro'.

FREE AND INDEPENDENT ELECTORS.

These is, after all, a kind of grim humour among the Land-
Leaguers, though in the House of Commons they are a dull lot. In
the course of his peregrinations, planting out Candidates as if they
were cabbages, Mr. Pabnell arrived at Cork the other day, and
nominated two obscurities, who were aocepted without controversy.
At the end of the proceedings it is reported that

;'Mr. John Dillon congratulated those present on the extraordinary
success of the meeting. Its result was to refute the statement that the Irish
people were unable to govern themselves, and for his own part he considered
that such a gathering would hare been impossible in England."

Mr. Punch heartily agrees with this view. He would go further,
and say that such a gathering with such a purpose, would be impos-
sible even in Russia, or among the Negro Electors of South America.
That a high-spirited and intelligent race, like the Irish, should sub-
mit to this absolute abrogation of electoral rights is a marvel. It is
also a wonder that Mr. Pabnell takes the trouble to go round the
oountry carrying his nominees with him, and personally producing
them as if they were marionettes. He might just as well issue a list
setting forth the various constituencies, appointing members to each,
and so have done with it.

"IN FOR A DIG."

Me. Hebbebi Gardner, writing to the Standard a reply to
Mr. Stbtjtt, his opponent, about Farmyard Canvassing" said,
" The Labourers are Liberal, the Masters, for the most part,
Conservative." Now, probably, were the Masters truly Liberal there
would be more chance of their Labourers being Conservative. A
Gard'ner maybe trusted to know something about labourers, and he
evidently does. The name of Stbutt is suggestive, too, of farm-
yards, though more of a Bantam making rather too cock-sure of
victory before it is won, than a farm-labourer. A Stbtjtt would
be an authority on Sports a.nd Pastimes, but not much as to present
times. A Gard'ner must evidently have a professional advantage, in
any war of words, as he can " call a spade a spade" straight out;
but, at the same time, we should advise the Gaiid'neh not to waste
too much time in having a dig at his opponent, but to get well ahead
—detur dig-niori—Yfalk on sharp, and leave the rest to—Stbutt.

Eh !—Lord R. Gbosvenor says the Tory party have at last found
a fetish in Disestablishment. Their object, Lord Richabd, is
perhaps less fetish than defeat-ish !