Punch: Punch (89.1885)

76

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[August 15, 1885

ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.

extracted prom

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

House of Commons, Monday, August 3.—"We are all enjoying
our Bank Holiday," said Boubke, just now, in explanation of reason
why certain Papers were not published.

Quite true : only, like our forefathers known to Fboissabt, we are
taking our pleasure sadly. House not very full, and everybody dead
beat.

" Most curious thing," said Chbistopheb Syxes, worn almost to a
shadow with unremitting attendance upon Parliamentary duties,

"thatwe should
make Bank

Holiday for all
the world, only
omitting our-
selves. Why
shouldn't Hon.
Members have
their Bank Holi-
day like other
working-men?"

"Yes," said
the Sage of
Queen Anne's
Gate, "why
shouldn't they
go off on an ex-
cursion thirteen
to a horse, seek
the cool glades
of Epping, or
drink from what
Shebbbooxe
calls 'airy
bowl' in 'Appy
'Ampton? Why
shouldn't they,
as they come
home, stop at
every public-
house? "Why
shouldn't they

fill the streets with brawls when they reach Town, storm the public-
houses at half-past twelve, beat their wives by way of greeting, wake
in the morning with a headache that only more drink will cure, and
resolve at least to make half a week of it ? Why should there
be one law for the poor and another for the rich ? And why
should both Houses of Parliament be debarred from the innocent
j oys and pleasures provided by Lubbock for the great body of the
toiling masses ? "

However, it's no use fighting against the law, and instead of
taking a day in the country with the rest, here^we are slaving away
at the Criminal Law Amendment Bill. Got this through Committee
by Ten o'Clock; took up Scotch Secretary Bill, upon which Lyon
Playeaib delivered luminous speech, in course of which, he observed
that duties of proposed new Secretary were " like a Haggis."

" Yes, but what's a Haggis like ?" said Ashmead-Babtlett, still
athirst for information.

Playfaib very properly took no notice of interruption. A man
who didn't know a Haggis when he met one, was not worth devoting
attention to.

Tuesday, 5'10 a.m.—Going home with the Milkman, having spent
cheerful night with the Irish Labourer. Passed Bill through Com-
mittee. Don't know what it's about. Understand it 'a meant to
help Parnellites in coming General Election. Anyhow, they insisted
upon proceeding with it to-night, and of course we had to stay.

Might have got home twenty minutes ago, only for Infants' Bill.
Don't know what this Bill was about, either. Joseph Gums says
he believesit's a Bill to Put Down Infants, but isn't sure. Beigqs
looking in in the early morning, as is his custom, found Hast Dyke
asleep on two chairs in library, exhausted with the Irish Labourer.

" What's the matter now ? " Dyke asked, waking when division-
bell clanged.

"An infant crying for the light,

An infant crying in the night,

And with no language but a cry," said Briggs.

" Take it out of that," said Dyke, handing Bkiggs a box of wax
matches, and, turning over on his side, was fast asleep again.

Business done.—Up all night, winding up business.

_ Tuesday Night.—Ireland again, with small hours of the night
given up to Scotland. Pabnell back after mysterious disappearance
of over a week. Understood he was away trying some fresh experi-

J. B., the Polite Letter Writer.

ments with his hair. Quite expected to see him come in with'crown
shaved and hair otherwise cropped close. But adheres to earlier
style of Oscak Wilde. "Whispered among the Boys that he's taken
an oath neither to shave or cut his hair till Joseph Gillis is made a
Baronet.

"Why," he asks, "should Randolph get something for all his
men, whilst I have nothing to bestow ? Joseph Gillis shall be a
B.B.IC. Tim Heaiy shall be Attorney-General for Ireland ; and as
for Sexton, he shall be appointed Commissioner to Chili, or some other
place where it will take him long time to go out and back. Not
going to have Randolph crowing over me!"

At midnight House in Committee on Scotch Fisheries Bill. De
Wobms in charge.

"Oh!" said O'Shea, looking in, and preparing to leave imme-
diately. " Wobms and Fishing. How appropriate. Ground-bait,
I suppose ? "

" No," said Ramsay, wondering how he could make such a mistake ;
" Sea-Fisheries."

Business done.—Several Bills advanced.

Appropriation Bill on. On this Motion all kinds of
subjects may be discussed. O'Bbien took opportunity of calling
attention to letter purporting to have been written by Ebbington to
Gbanville on the subject of appointment of Archbishop of Dublin.
Ebbington made capital and convincing reply. " How did the
letter come into O'Bbien's hands? It was either a forgery or was
stolen." More than this the new " barnet," as O'Bbien calls him,
declined to say. Joseph Gillis, with most judicial air, expressed
his opinion that Ebbington had given no answer " because he reelly
had none." But, on the whole, O'Bbien probably sorry he spoke.
Not a nice thing to be fixed with alternative, however blandly put,
of endeavour to make use of a letter that is either forged or stolen.

Honours of debate remained .with Pat O'Bbien. In very best
oratorical manner, and mind full of glowing thoughts,_ after_ giving
his opinion on the Errington affair, Sir Pat deviated into disquisi-
tion on the new Tory Democracy. Thence, naturally led into review
of the history of the Mabl-
boboughs, with respect to
the historical tergiversa-
tion of the founder of the
family. Sir Pat was in-
flexibly just. '' One day,"
he said,'' this ducal family
were followers of Wil-
liam. Another day they
were followers of James.

" But," he continued, in
a voice of thunder, "we
have had a woman in Eng-
land—a Sabah—and I will
ask whether the Sabah
of former days has fallen
away, and whether there
ought not to be in the
present day a feminine
descendant of the great
dukedom of Mablbo-
bough?" All this Sir
Pat uttered, with his eye
resting upon Randolph,
whose presence had evi-
dently inspired this flight
of eloquence. House

roared with laughter. Ramsay seriously puzzled.

"What's the man at ?" he asked Sir Geobge Balpoub. "What's
the Duke of Mablbobough to do with the letter from Ebbington to
Gbanville, that O'Bbien says he's got; and who's Sabah ? The
man's clean daft, and what people are laughing at I don't know."

The flood of Sir Pat's eloquence stopped by accidental dropping
into bad language. Gliding naturally from the Great Sabah to
question before the House, drew graphic picture of Attorney-General
for Ireland kissing O'Bbien on both cheeks, and asking him to
attack " those damned Whigs." Speakeb, trying to look as if he
hadn't been_laughing, gravely interposed. Sir Pat, knowing he'd
put his foot in it, hastily withdrew the remark, and presently brought
remarkable oration to a close.

" I do not," said Randolph, " know a more delightful or interest-
ing speaker than Sir Patbick O'Bbien. When he rises to address
the House he has no notion of what he is going to say; and when
he sits down his audience have not the least idea of what he has
meant to say."

Business done.—Appropriation Bill read Third Time.

Thursday.—Couldn't make out the other day what Randolph was
at. " Toby, old man," says he, " wish you'd look up in Mangnall's
Questions, or somewhere else, how many Yiceroys there axe. I'm
busy with these Indian figures, and don't want to get mixed."

^5

Sir P. O'Brien invokes the Divine Sarah.