Punch (72.1877)

February 3, 1877.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 39

EXTREME MEASURES.

Polite Fpxhunter. "But why won't too" let us Help you Out ?"

Lady in the Ditch. " Oh, dear! I am Fifteen Stone without the Mud! Do, please, send for a Rope !"

of their societies, you will find the story told fully and feelingly
in Mr. Smiles' Life of a Scotch Naturalist, published by John
Murray.

And you will read, too, how close work at the cobbler's stool by
day, and wandering- and watching1 and lying out by night, wrestlings
with winter's winds and frosts, drenchings with rain, wettings from
seas, tumbles from cliffs, with long fastings, and spare'fare, at best,
of oatmeal cakes and water, played havoc with a strong body, so that
at sixty-three, Thomas Edward is an old and crippled man.

In the same book is told the touching story of this man's loneliness
and disappointments : how, under the pinch of hard times, he had,
again and again, to sell the collections he had so laboriously made,
which he straightway set to making over again, like Robert Bruce's
spider; and how the prophet, honoured as he was by wise and famous
men far away, was not honoured in his own country—Banff bailies,
and Banff bodies, and Banff souls, being too high—or low—to see the
poor souter, bowed over his work, and so lower still.

But you will not read in the book — for that came after it
was written—how the Queen and Lord Beaconsfield, having
read the story of Thomas Edward's life, were moved by a common
thought to put Thomas Edward on the Pension List for a modest
fifty pounds a year, so that for the rest of his life he may give
himself wholly to the reading of God's Book of Creation, without
being a burden to the children who have been true and helpful
stays to him thus far. For among Thomas Edward's other
good gifts from God, is a good and wise wife, and they have bred
good bairns. And so Punch takes leave of Thomas Edward—in
harbour at last; and, lifting his hat, and holding out his hand
to this stout-hearted and rarely-endowed man, craves leave—as the
highest honour should come the ^latest—to offer this his tribute of
respect after Prime Minister and Queen.

ecclesiastical occlusion.

The Church of St. James, Hatcham, has been shut up. So has
the Incumbent. Serve him right, till he consents, by shutting his
mouth, to open his prison.

DOUBTFUL ATTINITY.

" Alcohol has so great an affinity for water that it is only by the greatest
care that the chemist can obtain it absolutely pure."

" The Science of Alcohol."— Echo.

Ebriosus, loquitur.

Alc'hol 'finity warrer ? Stuff!—Can't be !

Don't—hie!—b'leave it! All pure riddle 'dee !

Just fancy Alc'hol yearning for the Pump,

Like some half-mad T'totaller on the stump !

'Diklus ! Pooh ! Alc'hol got more Spirit 'n that.

"What ? Chemist chap can't part 'em ? What a flat!

Shee ! Here'sh Brandish and there'sh warrer ! Wonder

Where'sh the trouble keep them two ashunder ?

Here goesh Brandish, there stops Warrer ! Why

They both sheem quite contented. Sho am I.

I don't believe they've any more affinity

Than has a Derby Dutch-doll for divinity,

Eh ? Sciensh proves it ? Hie ! Who'sh Sciensh ? Blow

Sciensh! What d'ye mean by C2H0O ?

Whash that prove P Eh ? Mere Alphabet gone mad.

Bother your symbolsh ! Stick to facts, my lad.

Some new dodge of Wilfrid Lawshon's. What.!

Brandish Alcohol and Warrer ? Rot!

I lovesh Brandish, and hatesh Warrer ? Mix 'em ?

Haven't done so for yearsh, Shir! Guess that nicks 'em.

Here's lots o' warrer lately all about.

Best take in Brandish to keep Warrer out.

Sciensh's crackjaw gibberish all a cheat.

Here ! Mary ! Nurrer go o' Brandish,—neat!

no danger to shakspeare.

New Queen's Theatre reading of a line in Macbeth, Act iv.,
Scene 1:—

" For none of woman-Biom shall harm Macbeth."