Punch (72.1877)

42 PUNCH, OR, THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Februaky 3, 1877.

THEORY AND PRACTICE.

Aunt Mary. "Why don't you read, Tom, instead of lolling about?" Turn. "'Got nothing to read!"
Aunt Mary. "There's your first Prize in Monsieur Jolivet's French Class—a most delighiful Book!"

Tpm. "how can i read THAT?—IT 'S lv FRENCH I "

NOBODY KNOWS.

John Bull solilvquiseth on the state of his Fleet and the status of

the Engineer.

" One of the most intelligent, and probably the beat, of naval critics tells
us that no one knows with any degree of thoroughness what use is made of
our Navy, how it is managed, or what it is worth ; but, so far as the limited
knowledge of the best informed enables any one to form an opinion, the pro-
bability is that all is wrong.....In Mr. Seed's vigorous language, 'the

ship is a steam-being, and the only man who understands it, can work it with
safety, can control it efficiently, can use it, care for it, tend it, preserve it,
repair it, renew it, is the Engineer.' The Engineer, the functions of the
Engineer, and the position of the Engineer, should be held in honour; but,
in fact, ' he remains to-day almost precisely where he was twenty years ago—
a snubbed, subdued, subordinated man, with a dozen officers put above him
to look down upon him.' "—The Times on Mr. Eeed's Letter about "Naval
Administration."

So " Nobody knows! " That's remarkably pleasant!

A nice thing to learn at this late time of day !
A sweet game this Naval Blind Hookey ! At present

I don't seem to relish my hand in the play.
Many millions I've spent on the modern " Steam-being,"

Yon don't buy that sort of big toy for a song ;
And now 'midst my Critics I find none agreeing,

Except on one point—that all's probably wrong!

Nobody knows ? Well, those precious twin Titans

Have turned topsy-turvy our Naval Affairs ;
But are Iron and Steam a malign brace of Sheitans

To empty my purse and to fill me with scares ?
All that Steam-beings can do, or can't, in fair fighting,

Perhaps we shan't learn till the things come to blows.
But are mine trustworthy ? It's somewhat affrighting

To find the sole answer is—Nobody knows!

Nobody knows! Years ago—about fifty,
My Navy was tested. "We found it "all there."

Since then all is new, and I haven't been thrifty
In paying—since change was the call—for my share.

The new Iron Pot puzzles me, I admit it.

Smart Science shouts " Progress ! " She's right, I suppose.
But what's the Pot worth, if 'gainst rivals I pit it r*

That seems a fair question, but—Nobody knows.

Nobody knows ? Well, here's Reed, ex-Constructor,

A smart sort of chap and a dab at a yarn ;
Would fain through the dense Marine maze play conductor.

He knows the " Steam-being" from stem unto stern.
He, no doubt, feels that he should be sole supervisor,

With ample and ship-shape Reports year by year,
With a right to take henceforth for Naval Adviser

That much misused being, the Chief Engineer!

" Snubbed, subdued, and subordinate ?" Well, I'd a notion

The Creature was certainly more cockahoop.
Reed paints him as Ought-to-be Lord of the Ocean,

Head-boss of the steam-ship from fok'sle to poop.
He only can handle it, guide it, preserve it,

Whilst Jack, though a jolly and dauntless sea-dog—
(Poor Jack sorely snubbed !—does he really deserve it ?)

Is—shades of old Salts !—like a flat in a fog.

Well, they '11 want him—to fight—I suspect notwithstanding.

He '11 maybe outlast all their huge devil's-gear ;
He 'stablished his status 'neath other commanding

Than that of our Crichton, the Chief Engineer.
But destiny's stern ; if the new battle's brunt

Must be borne by the handler of pistons and cranks,
Let him come to the fore as a fact we can't shunt,

And receive his reward in pay, honours—and thank?.

Mine I'm sure will be his if he '11 help to untangle

This horrible muddle called " Naval Affairs ; "
Make peace 'midst the critics who boggle and jangle,

And shut up swell duffers who give themselves airs.
A fleet that's not phantom I claim for my money,

With ships not a terror to me but my foes.
But whenever I ask how I stand, it seems funny

To hear, for sole answer, that " Nobody knows ! "