Punch (72.1877)

120

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Mabch 17, 1877.

FASHIONS FOR THE KITCHEN.

Cook. "Lor', Jane, I wouldn't be bothered with them 'Trains' every Day! I

only wears mine on sundays ! "

Jane. "That may do for you, Cook ; but for my part I likes to be a Lady "Week-
Days as well as Sundays ! "

BUTCHERS IN ARMS.

Scene—Bond Street. Brown, Bond Street butcher, discovered with Jones, Bayswater
butcher. To them enter Robinson, Bermondsey butcher.

Robinson. How are you both ? You look down in the mouth.

Brown. We are, and reason good, old man. Have you seen Punch ! {Producing last
week's number). Look at that!

Robinson. Bos Americanusf I know that "boss" is an American word, and means
" 'ead," and our friend in the air seems to have got it from the bull's 'orns. "Why, gracious !
if it ain't an 'it at us ! A drop of something short, or I shall faint!

Brown. My dear fellow, I cannot be seen going into a common pub. !

Jones. Nor I. The days are passed when our fathers used to frequent public-houses of a
night, and smoke clay pipes, and drink beer.. We have our Clubs. Let us go to mine—" The
J'int."

Brown. Or mine—the " 'Igh Figure." This way ! {.They enter the " High Figure."

Jones. A bottle of " cham." I suppose ? Sweet, or dry ?

Robinson. I hear the nobs always drink dry.

Jones. Then dry for me.

Brown. Waiter ! Bottle of dry champagne.

Waiter. Yes, Sir. Perry Jewit or 'Eidzic ?

Jones. Oh, the dearest, I say.

Waiter. Yes, Sir.

Jones. Why give it a name ? What's the odds of names ! A chap's safe with the
dearest—or should be.

Brown. So one should—and with meat, too, as well as drink !

Robinson and Jones. Ha ! ha ! {They drink.

Brown. Now, what is to be done about this here American meat ? We must unite ! Eh
Jones ?

Jones. Long life to the American meat! say I. Here's its jolly good health!
Brown. What, are you mad!

Jones. Ha! ha! Not a bit of it! My customers is mostly what they call the middlin'
classes, and doosid middlin' they are too, some of 'em. Well, they don't like to ask for
cheap stuff, so I lets 'em have it without askin'.

Brown and Robinson. Shame !

Jones. Just you wait a bit. Mrs. Swel-
lington comes into the shop and says,
" Jones, I want a nice sirloin of beef, real
Highland beef." "You shall have it,
Mum," says I. '"Ow much?" says she.
"Shillin' a pound," says I. "That's
dear! " says she. " Well, it ain't my fault,
Mum," says I. " I don't make any profit
on it. It's all along o' the dearness of
coals." Well, she gits her jint, and she
pays me a shillin' a pound.

Brown and Robinson. Well ?

Jones. So it is well—jolly well—eon-
siderin' that I was a-sellin' her American
beef < all the time and a-chargin' her
English prices. So here's American beef,
/say!

Robinson. And ditto to Jones, /say. Now
here's my game : — " American meat ?
Lor' bless you," says I, "you won't like
it when you get it; but, if you will 'ave it,
you must. 'Ere you are, the very best,
nine-pence a pound." And next day back
they comes, and tell me they don't like it,
and sticks to English, in future, like
Englishmen.

Brown [to Robinson). Oar friend Jones's
experience is different from yours, you see.

Robinson. No it ain't. He sells 'em
American beef forEnglish at English prices,
and I sells 'em English beef—such as it
is'— for American, at American prices.
There 's beef and beef — ain't there ?—
English or American.

Brown. All very well for you fellows in
the unaristocratic quarters. I needn't to
come any low game of that sort. I've only
to say to my customers, "I don't keep it.
Bond Street is not the place for such
things," and they look ashamed of them-
selves for asking after it, and take what I
choose to give them, at my prices. That's
your style!

Jones. Ah! that's your style ; but it ain't
ours, worse luck.

Robinson. 'Owever, that's neither here
nor there—the pint is, how are we to silence
all this nasty cry agin the butchers—

Jones. And how to muzzle Punch f

Apparition of Punch rises.

Apparition. Listen to me! I will tell
you how to do both. You will all have to
sell this American meat, or else reduce
your prices for English. Your customers
are tired of you. You, Brown, will in
future supply the Duke of Five StArs
with the meat he asks for, irrespective of
nationality. You, Jones, will sell American
meat by American names as well as for
American prices. As for you, Robinson,
twelve months' hard labour would do you
good, as well as those who supply you.
Reform your practices, and reduce your
prices, or it will be the worse for you."

{Apparition disappears.

Butchers. Worse than reducing prices!
By George, that would be a bad business !
{Exeunt butchers, jointly and severally,
in deep thought.

Faith and Functions.

ALADY'S-MAID WANTED in the Country.
She must dress hair well and make dresses
well, get up collars and culfs. Must be a Pro-
testant, and call Mrs. S- at half-past 6

o'clock. Wages £20, and Is. 6d. for washing.
Address, &c.

The Advertiser must be related to the
Lady who recorded of Mrs. Jones, in her
epitaph, that "she played on the harpsi-
chord, and painted m water-colours ; and
of such is the kingdom of Heaven."