Punch (72.1877)

156

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON

CHARIVARI.

[April 7, 1877.

" IT'S AN ILL WIND » &c.

Sporting Sub. " I should like to have my Leave as soon as possible,
Colonel, for I've just heard my Father's had a bad Fall out Hunting."

Colonel. "Dear me! I'm sorry to hear that! I hope He's not
Hurt ! "

Sporting Sub. "Oh, it isn't that!—only I want to have his Horse! !"

THE BOAT-EACE OP THE FUTURE.

{A Prophecy which Mr, Punch most earnestly trusts will not be verified.)

It was the day of the Boat-Race. A bright, clear morning, with a glorious
sun, reflected a thousand times in the smiling water! Great was the contrast
between the weather and the crowd. The first was suggestive of everything
that was fresh and innocent; the last recalled visions of Homburg, Baden-
Baden and Spa in the bad old days of the cards, and spinning balls, and green-
baized tables. Unhappily, all the rascality of the stable had found its way to
the banks of the river. The public were raving with excitement. Men, women,
and children no longer cared for the pleasures of lunch, the charms of conversa-
tion, the amusement of the race itself. All hearts beat but to learn the answer
to one absorbing question, had .their bets been won or lost ?

Yes, it had come to this! The grand old University Boat-Race had been
degraded by the love'of play to the level of the lowest of sporting events. In
1877 (many years before) great complaints had been made about the matter. It
had been said, then, that unless the conditions of the contest were altered,
things would change from'worse to worse ; and that, corrupted by the pollution
of London sporting roughs, sporting publics, and sporting papers, the pleasanter
features of the festival would give place to more and more hateful ones. It had
been then suggested tbat the Race should be rowed at Henley or Bedford, or
even distant'Exeter. Nothing, however, had been done; and here more than
ten years later, was the Boat-Race still on Thames waters, fouling and befouled.
And had the prophets of ill-omen been borne out ? Alas ! a glance at the faces
and forms around was enough tto answer the question. When men forget to
smoke, or eat, or flirt; when women care not whether or no they look their
best, then indeed must both be lost to everything save the passion of play.
And now the men were silent, cigarless, and distrait; the women were reckless
in wearing the most unbecoming colours, the most ill-fitting gloves, the dullest
and dowdiest toilettes.

It was but a few minutes before the start, when a shambling creature,
who looked like something between a stable-help and a decayed churchwarden,
made his way through the shouting throng to the part of the .Grand Stand
reserved for the University Officers, Heads of Colleges, and other Dons of the

most dignified orders. For many minutes he vainly
attempted to attract the attention of a venerable Dean,
who, betting-book in hand, was loudly offering the odds
to two white-chokered Heads, a Proctor, and a Poker;
for, sad to say, the betting fever had spread from Under-
graduates' wine-parties to Fellows' Common Rooms.
The shambling creature at last succeeded in attracting
the attention of the venerable Dean, who hobbled towards
him as rapidly as his advanced years would permit.

" What do you want ? " he asked, breathlessly. " Un-
less it is something very important, I must not be
disturbed. I have not nearly done all my hedging."

"You were very good to me once, Sir," replied the
Tout, " when you got me leave to stay up, after the
Master had ordered me down. You would scarcely
believe, looking at my present degraded position, that
I was once a Member of the dear old College."

" Indeed ! indeed! " cried the Dean, impatiently. " I
do not doubt your word for a moment. And if I was
kind to you in the past, pray think no more about it.
But I really must return, or I shall have no time to get
my money well on. My book is a very heavy one;"
and he sighed involuntarily.

" I have come to show my gratitude," continued the
Tout, detaining the Dean by the button-hole. Then he
whispered, " Take my tip, and put the pot heavily on
Camford."

The Dean started, as in an undertone he replied, " But
all the Sporting Papers declare that Oxbridge must win;
and certainly I can personally testify to the superiority in
strength, and excellence of style in their trials."

" Put the pot on the other side of the fire for all that,"
hissed the Tout. " They've been made safe, I tell you."

'' But each man has had two doctors and a policeman
in close attendance upon him ever since he came to
Putney, and the boat has been kept under lock and key
in Scotland Yard."

The Tout closed his left eye. "Bobbies and boys
have been hocussed, horses and boats have been got at,
before now. Put the pot heavily on Camford, I say
again! "

" I will! " mentally ejaculated the Dean, as he rushed
back as quickly as his great age would permit to the
box on the Grand Stand reserved for the Heads of
Colleges. He had scarcely been in his place ten minutes
when the flashing oars of the two boats were seen coming
round the bend into the last reach, amid a murmur
that, as they approached, rose into a roar.

Oxbridge had been leading from the first. At Ham-
mersmith she had two clear lengths in hand, and these
two lengths had been increased by Mqrtlake to six. It
was a dead certainty: the Dean, beside himself with
excitement, in broken ejaculations froni the Commination
service, cursed the Tout who had put him in the hole.

Suddenly there was a mighty shout—the Oxbridge
stroke let go his oar, threw up his arms, and fainted.
There was another shout, and another and yet another,
as Numbers Seven, Six, and Five followed their leader.
At length the crew without exception lay doubled over
their thwarts. Taking advantage of this strange con-
tretemps the rival boat shot ahead, and passed the post
an easy winner.

Again a mighty shout, which seemed to shake Mortlake,
Putney, and the neighbourhood to their very foundations,
told an expectant world that Oxbridge had been hocussed
for the third time, and that Camford had scored one more
victory.

And, as that shout arose, the venerable Dean might
have been seen dancing all over the stand, as well as
his age and some remains of a sense of his clerical
character would permit; for he had followed the grateful
Tout's advice, and had put the pot heavily on the
winners.

As for the cleaned-out Heads, Proctors, and Pokers,
they were cursing—also under the thin professional
shelter of the Commination service,—and telegraphing to
their various Bankers.

On them, and still more on the young men and women

of the'hideous scene, let us draw the curtain.

* * * * *

a bit for bung.

A firm of mechanicians advertise " Lifts for Hotels."
Who will invent lifts for public-houses, too many of which
require elevation to the level of respectability ?