Punch (72.1877)

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. (May 12, 1877.

TENACITY !

First North Briton (on the Oban boat, in a rolling Sea and dirty Weather).
" TflRAW it up, Man, and te'll feel a' the better ! "

Second ditto (keeping it down). "Hech, Mon, it's Whuskey ! !"

THE WIND AND THE WAR.

What is that white on yonder trees ?

Pear-blossom. Ugh! It might be snow ;
So bitter, hard the Eastern breeze ;

And the thermometer so low.
I see white petals of the pear,
But apple-trees of pink are bare.

Late apple, due in early May,
And lilac, shrink from coming out

A haze bedims the orb of day,
And influenza flies about.

And not one Jack, in wonted green,

On this bleak May-Day has been seen.

Bees keep their hives, too wise to hum
In such hard times from flower to flower ;

Cuckoo and Nightingale are mum.!
In holes and crannies Swallows cower,

Wondering where spring-time can have tic < 1,

Till cruel May-frost nips them dead.

May, more than commonly severe.

Too well this wof ul East wind suits.
That comes the opening leaves to sear,

And shrivel up the swelling fruits.
Two bitter things—nigh on a par—
Are Eastern wind and Eastern war.

A YOLLEY FOll ZAZEL.

What she says to Farini, when she creeps into the
gun,—" Far in I go."

Her aim in life—The upshot of her existence.

A husband for her—The Engineer who was hoised with
his own petard.

A new title for this Star—The Sun of a Gun.

Her favourite poet—Howitt, Sir.

Her favourite political subject—Debt o' nations.

What men say of her—" She's a stunner! "

What women say of her—" She's going off! "

N.B.—Mr. Punch trusts this will stall off the cor-
respondents who inundate him with weakly deluges
of poor puns on Zazel, as on all popular or unpopular
subjects.

MR. PUNCH'S SELECT COMMITTEES.

No. I.—On Drawing-room Decorations.
Mr. Fernando F. Eminate examined.

Q. I believe that you are perfectly mad upon the subject of
drawing-room decorations ?

A. I am perfectly mad upon the subject, and my insanity extends
to dining-rooms, libraries, and sitting-rooms generally.

Q. How, in your opinion, ought a drawing-room to be decorated ?

A. On a;sthetic principles.

Q. What do you mean by aesthetic principles ?

A. It is a wide term, but I think I may say that the outcome of
ajstheticism is a mixture of antique quaintness, dingy and washed-
out colour, and oddity combined with discomfort.

Q. I believe you are in favour of latticed windows glazed with
opaque glass ?

A. I am. The lattices you refer to were abolished years and years
ago, to make room for sashed windows admitting more light. The
opaque glass is conducive to darkness, a great desideratum in nine-
teenth century drawing-rooms.

Q. I understand that you are in favour of curtains with grotesque
patterns, sage-green or dull-yellow for walls, and black furniture. ?

A. I am. It is very necessary that a feeling of melancholy should
be produced in a modern sitting-room, and I know of no better
means to create this mood than those to which you have alluded.
Moreover, it is proper to add, that the chairs should be of the most
uncomfortable character possible, cumbered with cushions warranted
to shp down on the floor on the smallest provocation.

Q. I think you do not recommend carpets ?

A. Certainly not. Carpets are suggestive of comfort, and there
you are at once in contradiction with aesthetic principles. I much
prefer straw matting, which is bitterly cold in winter and horribly
stuffy in summer.

Q. Would you permit rugs in the drawing-room ?

A. Certainly. But I should insist upon their being of the most

dull and neutral tones of colour. Rugs over matting are excellent,
as they kick up at every footstep, and accumulate even more dust
than carpets.

Q. I think you do not like pictures ?

A. Only E. H. Jones's, or an occasional nocturne of ..Whistler's.
As a rule, I prefer plates stuck against the walls.

Q. In fact, you would decorate the walls of a drawing-room as if
you were dealing with a kitchen ?

A. Certainly; except that I would have more plates in the
drawing-room than are usually found in a kitchen.

Q. Would you permit tables in the room ?

A. One. It'should, however, have only three legs, and should be
encouraged (by its construction) to topple over on every conceivable
opportunity.

Q. You have said nothing about the walls.

A. The lower part, or dado,'should be covered with matting, and
the upper part be papered with a paper of sombre or sickly ground,
and spidery pattern.

Q. If you had a recess, what would you do with it ?

A. I would fill it with delf and blue china.

Q. What is delf ?

A. Rococo Dutch pottery. My ambition would be to possess the
ugliest specimens of this pottery obtainable. Failing this, I would
fall back upon kitchen plates of the last century.

Q. You have said nothing about the comfort of the room.

A. As I have had the honour already to explain, I know nothing
about comfort. It is radically opposed to aesthetic principles.

Q. To sum up the matter—Is it your opinion that, given a little
straw and a good many plates, a cell in Newgate might easily be
converted into an excellent drawing-room furnished in the modern
fashion F

A. Certainly—with a few neutral distemper colours and a sten-
cilling apparatus. [The Witness then withdrew.

The Best School of Needlework.—A Husband's wardrobe.