Punch (72.1877)

228

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[Mat 19, 1877.

MR. PUNCH'S SELECT COMMITTEES.

No. II.—On Entertaining.
Mrs. Tinsel "Wallflower examined.

I believe you are
passionately fond of
entertaining ?

A. It is my chief,
and indeed I may
say my only occu-
pation.

Q. What mean-
ing do you attach
to the word "enter-
taining " ?

A. By entertain-
ing, I mean col-
lecting an indefinite
number of friends
and acquaintances
together, under the
pretence of affording
them amusement.

Q. Are there
many kinds of en-
tertainments ?

A. Certainly.
First, there are din-
ners ; secondly, af-
ternoon crushes;
and, thirdly, ama-
teur theatricals.

Q. Do you not occasionally give,a dance P

A. Yes, or, to be more accurate, an "at home.'' At my "dances,"
however, I do not expect my guests to dance. I therefore crowd into a room
capable of containing twenty people with comfort about ten times the number.
I provide a band, consisting of a piano, a violin, and a cornet, and this band
plays some thirty waltzes.

Q. In your experience, have you known persons who have attended your
" at homes " attempting a dance P

A. Frequently ; but the attempts have invariably ended in disaster. The
Gentleman has had to apologise for treading upon some one else's toes, and the
Lady has found her dress torn to atoms.

Q. Have you no other place for your guests besides the drawing-room ?

A. The staircase. On their arrival, my friends are kept for half an hour on
the staircase, whilst they are slowly making their way to the floor above.

Q. Describe their introduction.

A. They are expected to give their name to the page in the hall, who passes
it on (inaccurately) to the footman on the first flight, who shouts it out to the
greengrocer on the first landing. The greengrocer then calls out what he
pleases to me, and I smile, shake hands, and leave my guests to be comfortably
crushed in the so-called dancing-room.

Q. Do you provide any refreshments for your guests P

A. Certainly. Weak tea, lukewarm ices, and dry biscuits. Later in the
evening I expect them to partake of supper—a meal in which tough fowls and
liquid .jellies play important parts.

Q. Describe one of your dinner parties.

A. I ask a number of people with various pursuits and tastes to dine with
me on a fixed date, and then provide them with a feast composed of indifferent
home-made soup, and nasty dishes with imposing names, obtained from the shop
of a neighbouring pastry-cook.

Q. Do you not think that it would be better to provide your guests with
honest, homely fare, such as a fried sole and a joint of meat, rather than the
motley and messy meal you have just described ?

A. Certainly not. If I did, my guests would consider me vulgar. More
than this, tbey would believe my husband was cutting down his expenses to
save himself from an appearance in the Court of Bankruptcy.

Q. What do you mean by an " afternoon crush " ?

A. It differs very little from an "at home," except that in the place of a
band and a dance-programme I substitute a concert by amateurs of first-rate
conceit and ninth-rate talent.

Q. I suppose that at these " afternoon crushes" the refreshments are scarcely
on the same elaborate scale as that you adopt for your more pretentious enter-
tainments ?

A. They are not. My "crushes" are held in the afternoon, and, conse-
quently, I supply my friends with appropriate refreshments in the shape of cold
coffee and weak tea. I may add that an "afternoon crush" is the most
economical entertainment that can be given.

Q. You said something about amateur theatricals ?

A. Yes. If you have two small drawing-rooms you can convert one of them
into a stage and the other into an auditorium. Amateur theatricals are decidedly
advantageous if you have any daughters to marry. Rehearsals are conducive
to mild flirtation; and by carefully selecting the period of your pieces you can
dress your children in the most becoming costumes.

Q. Do you think it advisable to ask any other young
ladies to join your daughters in the performances ?

A. Certainly ; but you should be careful to select
those only who are not likely to shine either by their
beauty or their talent.

Q. Do you not think that this is treating your guests
rather harshly P

A. No. When your friends accept an invitation to be
present at private theatricals they should be prepared for
the worst.

Q. Will you kindly tell me why you entertain ?

A. Because I wish to be entertained in return. I
expect every card I issue to produce a pack.

Q. From your own showing entertaining is not con-
ducive to much enjoyment. Under these circumstances,
will you kindly say why you like entertainments ?

A. I presume for the same reason that one likes other
things—because they are the fashion.

[The Witness then withdrew.

A STATUE AT LAST.
(John Bvll sings.)

I have Artists, more than one,
Who can draw and sketch like fun,
Even turn decent pictures off the easel;
Many Brothers of the Brush,
Who for bays may make a rush,_
But scarce ever had a topper at the Chisel,—
One to cut out competition with the Chisel,—
A master hand at moulding-tool and Chisel,
Whom you'd quote, beyond a doubt,
As a Sculptor out-and-out—
A first-chop out-and-outer at the Chisel!

But at last I've got one, who,
Whilst a Painter, models too,

In a manner the Laocoon to match you.
For solid proof, no myth, on
His " Athlete against Python,1''

I fall back, to show ive can make a Statue ;

Because now Leighton has made a Statue ;

So he and I can both show a Statue,

Saying, Look you there, and see,
There's a Statue made by me ;

Yes, at last, by Jove, I can make a Statue! "

THEMES FOR WHISTLERS.

Mb. Punch has great pleasure in offering to Mb.
Whistleb, and any one who may be following his
musical lead, the following suggestions for tone-pictures
to come.

f. An Arrangement (with Creditors) in Blue (3d. in the
pound).

2. A ditto in Couleur de rose {10s. 6d. in the pound).

3. A Nudity in primitive colours.

4. An Imposture in chalk-and-water (suggested sign
for a milkman).

5. An Optical Illusion in Invisible Green.

6. A Nightmare in Dapple Grey.

7. An Impropriety in dirty Drab.

8. A Depravity in Scarlet.

9. An Impertinence in any colour.

10. A Plain Truth in Black and White.

THE REPROACH OF IACHIMO.
"The country will sadly say of him (Mr. Gladstone) what
Imogen says in Cymbeline, ' My Lord, I fear, has forgot Britain,'
while history will add, as Iachimo does, 'And himself.'"— Daily
Telegraph.

" Has forgot Britain ? " Blatant bunkum shapes
A Britain generous Britons would disown—
A mock-BEiTANNiA, whose'stage ermine drapes

A sham of frothy selfishness up-blown.
The truest lover of his land is not
The tap-room patriot of the pipe and pot.

" Forgot himself ? " Aye, in a nobler sort
Than sordid self-regard can understand.
What ? Brave the loud reproach, the foul report.

The taunt of treason to his native land!
Bah ! how should base Iachimo do less
Than scoff at such fine self-forgetfulness P