Punch (72.1877)

June 23, 1877.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

287

MY RIDE TO KHIVA.

{Diary continued, and forwarded by Private Wire.)*

he Saturday after last.—
Gone wrong again.
Got a new horse at
Gladitzova (on sale or
return), and a new boy,
who said he knew the
way. Discharged new
boy at third mile-post.
Met a man, who said
that wasn't Khiva in
the distance, but an-
other place. Took
first turning to the
right. Thaw. Sum-
mer beginning.

Mid-day, Saturday.—Came up with a private caravan, consisting of an aged
Moldavian, an old Wallachian,_ a Merryvingian (such a funny fellow!), a couple of
Kirghiz-men, and one Roumaniac from Kolni Hatchski. The old Wallachian, a bald
man without any moustache or beard, was very unwell. He said he'd make his will,
and leave me everything if I would only cure him. Felt his pulse. Having no
medicine by me, gave him. some of Mr. Beillantiite's Essential Regeneratative
Stimuloso—(a powerful oil for strengthening and darkening 'the hair. N.B.—Here
would be a fine opportunity for taking advantage of my riding to Khiva as a Travelling

* It may have been observed that we have allowed the last two letters to appear without
(comparatively) note or comment. The fact is we have been compelled to observe the utmost
caution, as well in the public's interest as in our own. But for our certainty that our Khivan
Correspondent is not within reading distance, we should not append this Note. Fortunately, we
are in possession of his entire MS., which we shall either withhold or publish as may suit our
convenience and serve the cause of Truth and Justice. We are not prepared, as in view of legal
proceedings, to swear that at this moment our Biding Bepresentative is not " riding to Khiva."
He may be. "We have taken Counsel's opinion, and Counsel says that "in a criminal case, where
the charge must be verbally accurate, and the evidence of guilt be in strict accordance with the
wording of the charge, it would be very difficult to prove that, at some time or other, during the
course of these letters, our Correspondent was not riding in the direction of Khiva, as he has
alleged. For example, it must first," says Counsel's opinion, " be proved {vide 1 Will. c. 2) that
he was not riding—and all along the onus prohanii is with the prosecution; secondly, it must be
proved that, if riding, he was not riding to Khiva. Now, it is evident," says Counsel's opinion,
"that any person on mounting his horse in Park Lane, for example, is competent {vide Crosse
BlackwelVs Digest, 2 O.T.) to remark to those about him, 'I am now going to ride to Khiva,'
and may, to give a local colour to the assertion, actually turn his horse's head in an Eastern
or a Southern or a South-eastern or South-western direction, according to his (the rider's) ideas
of where Khiva may be situated. For his bona fide intention having been announced of riding
to Khiva, the law presumes that a sane person knows what he is about, and is acquainted with
the road he has undertaken to travel; on which road only by mistake, to which all human beings
are liable, or by misadventure, to which all human beings are subject {vide decision in Fowl and
Pullitt's case, under 10 Hen. 8, Egg, Shelley, and Boyle's Reports), he could be possibly supposed
to go wrong. Therefore," continues Counsel's opinion, "though the Correspondent in question
may never have left London, yet if he were bond fide and of honest though mistaken purpose, per-
petually riding to Khiva, there would be, and could be, no basis for a criminal prosecution, nor,
indeed, any safe ground for an action at common law." {Vide 4 Geo. 2, c. Gunn's Reports,
edited by J. Ingo.)

Thus advised, it is necessaryfor us to be cautious and reserved. "We may mention, however,
that we have secured Private Wire, and have, at a considerable outlay in the shape of an annuity
to his mother, got a firm hold on Our Own Confidential Boy. "We are now going to take Counsel's
opinion again. Our first Counsel advised us to take Counsel's opinion every two hours, and the
last thing before retiring to rest, until we found some relief. We intend doing so ; and hope to
satisfy the public as to the mala fides or bona fides of Our Correspondent before a fortnight has
passed.—Ed.

Advertising Agent. Let everybody who has any-
thing to puff send out samples at once to Me, and
mi try 'em on the Khans and other people ! My
charges will be moderate, but payment in advance,
to my agent in London, is absolutely indispensable.
No Prior Pay, no Posterior Puff!)—He drank
it all, and became _ insensible. We are stopping
on our road, awaiting the consequences anxi-
ously.

In the evening amused the Party with the
Learned Pig, cribbage (won five games out of six),
and an acrobatic performance from Our Boys.
Fair Circassian sulky.

Midnight.—Patient still insensible.

1 a.m. Sunday. — Effect of Regenerating Sti-
mulant gradually perceptible on the bald Walla-
chian. Hair sprouting out in various parts.
Patient recovering consciousness: irritable. He
is suffering from an entirely new illness, which,
on the homoeopathic principle, has driven out the
other. It makes him fretful, like cutting his
teeth, only that this is cutting his hair.

3 a.m.—Whiskers appearing. Patient restless
and feverish.

4 a.m.—Bald head suddenly breaking out into a
sort of brown stubble. Patient using violent
language in his native tongue. To soothe him,
his friends sing a part-song, and play curious
musical instruments.

5 a.m.—Hair two inches long on head. First
appearance of moustachios. Lengthening and
darkening of eyelashes. Patient being held down
in bed.

6 a.m.—Rapid growth of beard, moustachios,
and hair of head. A crisis. We sit on him all
at once, and place the Pig on him to keep him
warm. His friends still singing and playing on
instruments. Wickski all round. Daylight.

7 a.m.—Thank Heaven! Patient asleep. Crisis
past. He is recovering, after an entire change
of hair produced by one dose of Beillantine's
Regeneratative Stimuloso, sold in bottles from
3s. &d. upwards. Apply to me, through my agent
in town. None genuine without my signature.
I re-name it on the spot, the '' Khivan Curative
Compound." Pig spells it out on the Alphabet.
This will be a point for the Show. When I ask
him what's the best remedy for anything, he '11
spell out " Khivan Curative Compound," and I
shall say that's the Pig's al-Zi^er-ation. The
jeu de mot will be sold with the bottle, and some
allowance made to the purchaser on its return.
More wickski. All to bed.

Sunday.— Spent it becomingly. Rang bells, as
if for Church. Then all slept, as if during a
sermon. Heard Pig his catechism. Set an ex-
cellent example to the four Tartar boys, and
taught them one of Bishop's glees. The boys
stood in a row, with their hands behind them,
and their chins up in the air. I shall call them
the Evanski Choristers. They sang "Peace be
upon thee, Lady Bright," to the fair Circassian,
who was much pleased. The lines run—

" Peace be upon thee, Lady Bright;

Sleep while we sing, good night, good night."

Don't remember any more of it, but eked out
the glee by repeating it over and over again. All
delighted. The stupid Fair Circassian explained
to the Caravan people that she was "Lady
Bright." They got this into their idiotic heads
and would address me as Loed Beight. They
think I am on a diplomatic mission to make peace
between Turkey and Russia. Served ivickski all
round, and explained. Hairy Patient progress-
ing. Before retiring, sent in my bill for medical
attendance, making up prescription, &c. Hairy
Patient promised to settle it in the morning. All
to bed.

Monday.—Woke late. Caravan party disap-
peared. Gone without paying. What ingratitude!
Think I hear them in the distance singing, "Peace
be upon thee, Lady Bright!" Pack up, and
pursuit.

10 a.m.—No signs of them. Crossed a river.
Examined map. Only one river mentioned in it.