Punch (72.1877)

February 24, 1877.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

81

Oblige me, confidentially, with your views upon the
Tooth case ?

If you were the driver of an Ass averse to speed, would
you consider yourself justified in inflicting' corporal
punishment, and if so oh what grounds ?

Have you tried Australian tinned meats ? And what
dodges do you recommend to make them go down with
the servants ?

Please to state, from your own personal experience,
what you have ascertained, since leaving school, as to the
use of the Digamma.

"What arguments would you adduce to show that 'Bus
Conductors should be exempt from Income-tax ?

The Churchwardens of Slobberton have quarrelled
with their Curate, because he will eat muffins and red
herrings upon fast-days. "What course would you suggest
to bring about the wished-for reconciliation ?

Do you ever drink cheap Claret ? If so, what would
you prescribe as an efficacious antidote ?

State concisely your opinions on the practice of
announcing " No Cards " in matrimonial advertisements.

If you wished to learn Chinese, how would you set
about it ?

When you cut a Tree down, do you take your coat off
and discard your braces ?

To help a ragged Schoolmaster, please give a sketch
of Grecian politics in the time of Aristotle.

What Tobacco do you smoke ? and do you approve of
Einking ?

What are your private views upon Descartes' Atomic
Theory, and do you recommend the use of Marmalade at
breakfast ?

State, as briefly as you can, what you think of things
in general ?

POST-CARD OPINIONS.

onscientious Mr.
Gladstone! No
wonder that he takes
to writing upon Post-
Cards, when he is
pestered every day by
a myriad of busy-
bodies, who plague
him with an endless
variety of questions,
which he is too polite
to pitch into his waste-
basket, unanswered.
What celerity of pen-
manship, and what
abounding store of
patience a Statesman
must command, when
his morning's work
consists in furnishing
succinct and publish-
able answers to such
queries as the follow-
ing !—

Are you a believer
in the Tomb of Aga-
memnon, as recently
discovered, and how
do you account for the
number of buttons
found in it P And do
you uphold the theory
that Hotter was a man, and not a noun of multitude signifying many ?

What are your opinions on the Great Eastern Question ? And would you
advise a jobber to bull or bear in Turks and Egyptians for speculative purposes ?

Do you consider it consistent in a Vivisectionist to open half-a-score of
oysters for his supper, and, if so, is it worse in him to pepper and vinegar them ?

What are your ideas as to the present whereabouts and chances of discovery
of the missing Gainsborough ?

SPELLING EEFOEM.

Last night, at the usual meeting of the Jolly Codgers, Blue Lion,
Seven Dials, the proposed Spelling Eeform was discussed. Mr.
William Sires presided, and among those present were Coster-
monger robert, fakement JOE, IlORKT WlLLIAM, SAILOR Tom, &c.
The Chairman, in opening the discussion, said, that the nation
demanded Reformed Spelling. (" 'Ear, 'ear ! ") The present system
was most vexatious to a gentleman whose time for schooling was
limited. When he was a ploughman—which he was proud to say
he had whistled at the plough, and precious hard work it was,
and soon took the whistle out of a chap worse than the crank—
some meddlesome fellow had the cheek to say in an argument that
cough and plough were spelt the same way. (" Shame ! ") He did,
though. But what did he (the Chairman) do r He knocked the cove
down, and the beaks gave him three months for it. (" Oh, oh!")
Wasn't reform needed. {Cheers.)

Sailor Tom entirely concurred with the remarks of the last
speaker, although, from experience, he was bound to say he did not
believe a single word of 'em. (" 'Ear, 'ear ! ") Reform was needed.
His own plan was the best. He'd tell 'em what it was. He was
called Sailor, although he had been christened Thomas Coram,
arter the street where he was found on a doorstep and conveyed to
the Foundlins Orspital. And when he signed his name to articles
he put down a cross, and there was no bother about spelling. He
warn't much of a scholar, but shiver his timbers if he could see why
some of the big wigs could not adapt his system to everythink.

Fakement Joe had been convinced of the iniquitousness of our
spelling ever since that great and glorious martyr Sir Roger
Charles Doughty Tichborne had been sent to prison for not spelling
his words according to harbitery rules.

The meeting here paused to give three cheers for Dr. Kenealy.
On resuming business it was discovered that Fakement Joe had
gone. It was also discovered that he had gone without paying his
share of the reckoning. It was further discovered that one or two
little articles belonging to various gentlemen had gone with him.

Costermonger Robert said that all he wanted was that words
should be spelt as pronounced. Notwithstanding the accident to
the Chairman {Cheers) he would knock anyone down who said
that d-o-n-k-e-y spelt moke. He had been eddicated in his youth,
and found out that all this spelling was the fault of Dr. Johnson.
{Groans.) Who was this Johnson'? Why he was a noosepaper man in

A Vulgarian Atrocity.

Pio Nono loquitur.

Infallible, while erring man

Insists "You shall," I say " I shan't."
As "possumus" is "Vat-I-can,"

" Non possumus " is " Vat-I-can't."

the neighbourhood of Fleet Street. Fleet Street was one of his many
pitches. There was a deal of noosepaper men thereabouts still, and
he did not think much of ' em. They talked about the history of the
language. That be blowed. They said if you altered the spelling
they used now to the new way, you wouldn't be able to read books
printed the old way. Bother books ! They warn't nogood as ever
he see. Give a cove a barrer, and let him 'arn his own grub.
Ready money and no accounts was his motter, and on that a cove
could get along werry well without readin and writin. He'd fight
any man there for half-a-crown. (Cheers.)

Rorky William thought the School-Board was at the bottom of
it all. He was a cat's-meat man. {Laughter.) They might laugh,
but it was a noble calling. The School-Board did it. His little
boy was at school, and only last night home he comes, and he says,
" Father, what's written on your basket is wrong. ' Katsmete ' is
incorrect." So I says, " Is it, my shaver ? How do you spell
that ? " And I gives him a tidy dusting. _ The meeting might
depend upon it, School-Boards was aggerawating.

Somebody then asked whether the Chairman was going to stand
anything. The Chairman said he wasn't. Somebody else threw a
pewter pot at the Chairman. The Chairman put out the gas. A
smart interchange of opinions then ensued. Finally, the whole
meeting, escorted by five constables (placed at their disposal through
the courtesy of Mr. Inspector X1), proceeded to Bow Street, where
they passed the night.

On Seeing Mr. Clayton in "All for Her," and afterwards
in "The Danischeffs."

The Heroes in both plays have this in common—
They 're far too good for our self-seeking life :

One his head loses for a charming woman,
And t'other to another gives his wife.

Who '11 the first follow in such abnegation ?

What modern lover for his love would die ?
But is the other act past imitation ?

" Oh no ! "—a crowd of henpecked husbands cry.

Mrs. Malaprop Right eor Once.—When she called the bright
moment between two showers an Interregnum.