Punch (72.1877)

March 17, 1877.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. 117

Tour case, like his, is shaky in the joints,
And Fate, like Reed, will hit the weakest points.
Let Vulcan replate these. Things do look queer
Aboard my ships. We need the Engineer.

Vulcan {triumphantly). Didn't I say so ?

Britannia {pointing to Neptune). Yes—as we need him.

Britannia's Navy must both fight and swim.
"Well manned, well handled, ' twill stand war and
weather;

For this I want you both to pull together.

So shake hands, Nep, with your new mate ! No sulks!

There's work for both aboard my iron hulks.

Let future fair make unfair past amends,

And you may yet turn out the best of friends !

[Exeunt Neptune and Vulcan arm-in-arm.

FREE AS AIR; OR, "BRITONS NEVER," &c, &c.

he Experiences of a British
Official on Leave.

Paris, Monday
Arrived in this city, and
made up my mind to look
into the monetary matters
of the country. Went to
leave my card at the Minis-
tere des Affaires Etrangeres.
On my return to my hotel
found a telegram awaiting
me from the Treasury,
ordering me not on any
account to inquire into
French finance, for fear of
wounding the susceptibili-
ties of the Government of
Marshal MacMahon.

Berlin, Tuesday
{a week later).
Arrived here, with the
intention of informing my-
self as to the organisation,
administration, and work-
ing of the German military
system ; left my card with
Count von Moltke. On
my return to my hotel found a telegram awaiting me from the War-
Office, desiring me on no account to go within five miles of a
German fort, garrison town, or barracks, or to hold any conversation
with a soldier, for fear of irritating the susceptibilities of Prince
Von Bismarck.

Vienna, Thursday {a week later).
Arrived here and arranged with our second Secretary of Legation
to examine the returns of the local manufactures, which are said to be
rapidly advancing. On my return to my hotel found a telegram
from the Board of Trade, forbidding me to make any inquiries
bearing on Austrian Commerce, in consideration of the natural
jealousy of British enterprise on the 'part of the authorities at
Vienna.

Constantinople, Friday {a week later).
Being detained here by stormy weather, thought I might as well
employ myself in finding out what I could about the position of the
Government Loans and the British Bondholder; walked to our
Embassy to ask the help of one of their dragomans. On my return
to my hotel found a telegram from the Foreign .Office ordering me to
leave Turkish money matters alone.

Algeria, Saturday {a week later).
Arrived here, and started to deliver some letters of introduction
likely to forward my object of observing the practical working of
the French system of colonisation. On my return to my hotel found
a telegram from the Colonial Office desiring me to do nothing of the
sort.

Rome, Sunday {a week later).
Arrived here in hopes to improve the opportunitv by looking into
the position of affairs between the King and the Pope. Called to
leave card on the new English Cardinal, an old acquaintance. On
mJ return to my hotel, found a rather curt, and anything but dig-
nified, telegram from the Privy Council Office, begging me not to
po ,. r.my nose into ecclesiastical questions, which no lay mind was
qualified to understand.

. . Egypt, Monday {a week later).

. Arrived here, and proposed testing the feeling of the people
a propos of the newly-appointed English officials and our acquisition
of the buez Canal shares. On my return to my hotel, found a tele-
gram from the India Office, ordering me to be off at once.

Nlkolaief, Tuesday, 2 p.m.
Arrived here, and determined to make a few inquiries about the
Russian Fleet.

Tuesday, 210 p.m.
Received telegram from the Admiralty and all the other Offices—
" Consider yourself under arrest, and come home immediately."
End of my holiday.

PUNCH IN THE POLAR EEGIONS.

To an epitome of the preliminary report of the Arctic Committee,
lately transmitted to the First Lord of the Admiralty, the Sanitary
Record appends the observation that—

"It will be seen that the whole result of the inquiry may be summed up
tersely in the words of Surgeon Colan, that in any future sledge expedi-
tions if anything has to be left behind, it should be the rum and not the lime-
juice. It was this conviction which led us in the first instance to challenge
the course pursued by Captain Nares in sending the rum and leaving out
the lime-juice, and we can but rejoice, in the interests of the Service, that
this inquiry has resulted in so unanimous and so complete a confirmation of
that view."

It may be said that lime-juice is no more a preventive of scurvy
than vaccination of smallpox; and some may say this, not believing
that smallpox is preventible by vaccination. Captain Nares, how-
ever, is not one of these fools. He " decided not to send lime-juice
on the sledging parties on account of the difficulty of carrying and
melting it," and would on any future sledge expedition " certainly
so modify the,arrangements as to admit of sending lime-juice." To
be sure, and one obvious way of modifying the arrangements for
that purpose would be to send the lime-juice in combination with
the rum. Add a due portion of sugar. Everybody knows how to
name the liquid which those ingredients would form, and were it to
congeal, what would it then be but iced punch? A compound
universally celebrated as a remedy for " the gout, the colic and the
phthisic " would doubtless be found most effectually antiscorbutic.
Dr. Colan may be quite right in saying that, if anything has to be
left behind by Arctic explorers, it should be the rum and not the
lime-juice ; but by far the preferable plan would surely be to leave
neither behind, but to take both, by the simple expedient of mixing
them together. This would have the further advantage of ensuring
the sure and ready swallowing of the specific for scurvy. _ Sailors
are prone to shirk lime-juice pure and simple, but there is little
fear that Jack would ever decline the acid in union with the other
elements of the abovenamed mixture.

HUNT ON HOLES.

If the First Lord of the Admiralty knew or minded his Shak-
speare as he ought, he would not perhaps have answered the
allegation that the Vanguard sank because there were holes in her
bulkhead, by the excuse that '* they were very small holes." Had
he read, marked, learned, and inwardly digested the divine Wil-
liams, he might have learned that as a little hole will as effectually
do for a man as a great hole, if only the little one is sufficiently
large, so will it serve as effectually to sink a man-of-war. A rapier
thrust had made a little hole in the chest of Mercutio. Let Mr.
Ward Hunt perpend Mercutio's answer to his friend Romeo's
suggestion that " the hurt cannot be much " :—

"Mercutio. No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door,
but 'tis enough—'twill serve ; ask for me to-morrow, and you shall find me a
grave man. I am peppered, I warrant, for this world."

Our Minister seems to have needed to be taught that the little
hole in a man's side that will let out the life has its counterpart in
the little hole in the'side of an ironclad which is big enough to let
in the water, albeit " only a little one." But perhaps he will ever-
more bear this point in mind hereafter in dealing with the appoint-
ment of Officers such as those by whose arrangements, although
they may have been "not absolute idiots," the Vanguard, in
consequence of some of those little holes being left open in her
bulkhead, went to the bottom.

Definition for Diplomats.

Treaty. _ An International Agreement between two or more
Powers, which each and all of the contracting parties will punc-
tually (fulfil, when the time comes for doing so, unless they find
that the safest and most advantageous course is to back out of it,
in which case they are free to back accordingly.

Death in the Mile:-pail.—Le Crime de la Creme.