Punch (72.1877)

136

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[March 31, 1877.

to bring in such a Bill in a House mostly of landowners. But I do
think this Bill is one not meant to pass, but only to please the more
ignorant Irish out of the House, like many of the Bills of Mb.. Butt.
But methinks he must, indeed, be ready to throw such tubs to the
whales, or he would not bear rule at home, nor brook Home-Rule as
he do. But as for the prosperity of Ulster, which Mb,. BuTT.do place
on its law of land, I do rather, by all I can learn, hold itjto come of
the Scotch blood brought in there through King James's Plantation
of that part of Ireland, which hath marvellously sobered your wilder
Irish sort, so that I would Kin a James had so planted all'Ireland.

Thursday {Lords).—My Lobd Dudley mighty free-spoken upon
the Protocol, and the emptiness thereof, and the need of some care
and thought for the Christians under the Turk, and how he would
not have Sib Henby Elliot go back to Constantinople, for that he
was all for the Turk. And so did draw down a sharp rap from my
Lobd Dure of Somebset, and most from my Lobd Debby, that
would not any Lord should speak strongly on such matters, seeing
it is his way to do nothing and to say as little as may be ; and hath
till now succeeded wondrous well therein, and will abide by it.

In the Commons were many questions, but only work on the
Prisons Bill, wherein I do see Cross is one that not only means well
but do better than most; and I much contented with his carriage of
all matters about his Bill to-night.

THE COASTGUARDS MAN OF THE FUTURE.

{An outline) by Lo.id Chables Beresfobd, filled in by
Mr. Punch.)

On the evening of a cold
spring day sat a wea-
. ther-beatenman on the
^^^^^ beach of an exposed part
( v^ll|k of the Yorkshire coast.

^fe^ois^ sP^e °*' almost

wintry wind that

w blew his gar-

sM|^ ments hither

v and thither, he
calmly con-

^^^i^Jjjgf^v^ tinued his em-

W, f^ll J©, ployment of

il/ ijT'^invV^^s sketching the

Jl l)i\lVW> seascape before

^^KF^&Jr him.

mSf^ = . "This work,"

^§£&^SST^£7^^ he murmured,

"^—iW ''18 congenial to

[?8§| ~ my tastes, and I

~^Sk shall grow strong

^§|§P and hearty in

Illp^gTqfo ^ ,^ . this exposed

Ip^^JfL > situation. Let

r M^^}y,,\, "' me see, what

^^~^^^^^~^=L have I done to-

Blililfc^-^" ' day? This
l||i§^i^SSfek. morning was de-

^^^^^^ voted to seizing
||a^^^^^^^^0 . " contraband ar-
SftlM^^^^^^^P^- tides from a
WBn^wm^^Sfi- score of smug-
IMK^^^^^S^ ' glers. After I
" Jtet^i^^^^^^^^^^^^^,-,!:. ^-^Sr- took my lunch I
--TlSiiiteii*^ placed the

iWMIl does yonder—

where tL sun is

0 w nn%W ^» m _ the water.

This afternoon
my studies of

fortification and military history were interrupted by a shipwreck.
It was annoying, but I saved the crew in my steam life-boat. I must
work harder to-morrow, or I shaU not pass the monthly examination
ordered by the Lords of the Admiralty. I could not bear that dis-
grace. It would be too hard to put the School-Board (to whom I owe
all my technical knowledge and accomplishments) to open shame ! It
must not be !—nay, it shall not be !

The sun having now sunk behind the distant horizon, the
Coastguardsman gathered up his sketching materials, and returned
to his watch-tower. He had hardly opened a scientific work upon
gunnery when the signal-bell of the telegraphic apparatus informed
him that a message was on its road. In a moment he was at the
instrument, anxiously waiting for information.

" A despatch from the Admiralty! " he exclaimed, as the needles I done

moved rapidly from side to side. And then he repeated the message
word for word—"War is declared. Keep a sharp look-out. The
enemy's fleet is-" He could read no more, for the needles sud-
denly stopped ; and further examination convinced him that the
wire of communication between his office and Whitehall had been
severed.

"What shall I do?" he asked himself in an undertone. And
then he listened. The sounds of horses' hoofs striking the hard,
flinty road without, reached his eager ears. Rapidly arming himself,
he rushed out, and formed himself (as well as the resources at his
command would permit) into a hollow square. He waited patiently
for a few minutes, and, hearing nothing more, extended himself in
skirmishing order. The last movement had the desired effect. A
regiment of Uhlans appeared, and were rapidly demolished by the
Gatling gun he had brought with him for the purpose.

" It is lucky that I have the Field Exercises at my fingers'-ends,"
he murmured. " Without the knowledge culled from the Red Book,
I could never have performed these manoeuvres with such success
and steadiness."

But once more silence reigned around. No longer able to restrain
his impatience to learn the worst he took from the pocket of his
rough sailor's coat a small mortar, and loaded it with gun-cotton
and a parachute shell. In another moment the sea and land for
miles round were illuminated with a brilliant light.

" As I expected," he observed, with a grim smile. " The enemy's
fleet is in the offing."

He could say no more, for immediately the air became thick with
shells, which rapidly exploded in the most dangerous manner.^ The
Coastguardsman, without any unnecessary delay, threw himself
upon his face, and crawled back, like a serpent, to his tower, which
was of course subterranean.

Once in this place of security he approached an instrument con-
nected with the telegraphic apparatus, which looked somewhat like
an old harpsichord. Rapidly sweeping his fingers over the keys,
immediately the distant sea was convulsed in many places. He had
fired the sunken torpedoes. Then he crawled above ground, and by
the light of the moon, which had now risen, ascertained, with the
assistance of a telescope, that a couple of dozen Iron-clads had been
blown to atoms. A distant cheer informed him, however, much to
his chagrin, that only a portion of the enemy's fleet had been
destroyed.

" I must get outmy 200-ton gun," he murmured, angrily. " And
then good-bye to my studies for to-night."

Crawling stealthily to a hidden boathouse, he crept into what
seemed to be a floating gun-carriage propelled by steam. On a
lucifer being applied to the fuel, ready laid in the furnaces, the
machine immediately got up steam, and, consuming its own
smoke, left the shore. The floating gun-carriage lay low in the
water, and was painted to represent a miniature wave. At a few
yards' distance the boat could not be distinguished from the water.
By turning a few handles, and steering cleverly, he was able to load
and fire his formidable weapon a dozen times, and each shot de-
molished an Iron-clad. Again he loaded and fired, but at length
without effect. The floating fortress had conquered the floating gun.
His weapon had at last become valueless.

Nothing daunted, he put some more fuel into the furnace, and
increased the speed of his little craft. When he was within a
thousand yards of the remainder of the enemy's fleet, he lowered a
dozen floating cases like gigantic cigars, lighted their fuses, and the
cases instantaneously plunged under water.

" It is rather cruel," he murmured, "but it can't be helped."
In another minute and a half, twelve of Whitehead's torpedoes
had been exploded, and the remaining Iron-clads were reposing,
in pieces, at the bottom of the sea.

Thoughtfully the Coastguardsman returned to his subterranean
tower. He rushed to his desk, and dashed off, with the aid of a
type-writer, a brilliant account of his proceedings. He had taken
seven impressions at once. The original he put in an envelope for
the Admiralty; the copies were addressed to the Editors of the
leading journals.

Then he mounted a bicycle, and, after half an hour's ride, found
the severed wire. He connected the metal with his pocket instru-
ment, and telegraphed to London, The enemy's ships accounted for.
Send divers by early train to-morrow to raise them, for the sake of
the old iron. The Lords of the Admiralty are respectfully informed
that they can now retire to rest with easy minds."

Then the Coastguardsman posted his letters, and, having in-
effectually swept the sea with his glass to discover if it were
possible to save any of the crews in his steam life-boat, returned to
his tower.

Here, tired with his day's exertions,_ he set his alarum at
a quarter to five, played Rule Britannia (with some brilliant
variations) on his violin, wrapped himself in the Union Jack, and
in a few moments was enjoying the sleep that follows upon .duty