Punch (72.1877)

36

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[January 27, 1877.

HINTS ON HOUSE-BUILDING;

Or, How to Make Home Hippy.

r. Punch has read
with, a great deal
of pleasure Dr.
Richardson's ex-
cellent Lectures
upon our hearths
and homes. Ever
ready to assist in
the cause of
health and com-
mon sense, the
Sage of Fleet
Street hegs to
supplement these
lectures with a
few hints of his
own. - It will be
seen that the proposals of Mr.
Punch and Dr. Richardson are
equally practicable: —

Staircases. — These incum-
brances should be abolished.
There is nothing more fatiguing
than going up and (in _ some
cases, e.g., after a joyous dinner)
nothing more dangerous _ than
coming down stairs. In lieu of
the Staircase a trapeze should
he rigged up. With a little
practice, tvaj ineinber oi Hjc house should be able to swing himself
or herself from landing to landing. The exercise will be found in-
finitely more beneficial to the muscles than stair-climbing, and, from
an artistic point of view, will prove exceedingly pleasant and even
graceful.

Wall Papers.—These collectors of dirt should not be tolerated.
What is wanted is some cheap, useful material that will wash and
supply, in an unpretending fashion, heat in winter and light in
summer. If this material, by its peculiar properties, abolishes fire-
places and chandeliers, so much the better. It should also (when
needed) supply pegs for hats and dresses. It might, too, change
colour to suit the furniture. At present such a material does not
exist, but its discovery should lead to a very valuable patent.
Until this material is invented, the walls of rich people may be
lined with tin, to show that they are well to do. The office-walls
of lawyers might, appropriately, be faced with brass.

The Kitchen.—This apartment should be on the top of the house,
outside the roof. Its new position will do away with the nuisance
caused by the odours of cookery.

The Nursery.—It is obvious that this room should be on the top
of the house, and also outside the roof. Noise ascends, and children
should always have the highest {id est, the purest) air.

The Library.—The Study, it is scarcely necessary to say, should
be on the top of the house and outside the roof. Reading in
pure air is a healthy exercise. Reading in anything else is the
reverse.

The Drawing-Rooms.—This suite should be always situated on
the top of the house, and outside the roof. The view of the adjacent
country will be finer from the top than from the basement of the
building'.

The_ Bed-Rooms.—It is superfluous to say that these chambers,
in which good air is an absolute necessity, should invariably be built
on the top of the house, and outside the roof.

The Garden.—For the sake of convenience, no better spot could
be found for pleasure-grounds and kitchen-gardens than the top of
the house—outside the roof, of course.

Windows.—As light is life, there can never be too many windows
in a house. As a rule, it maybe conceded that to every foot of
brickwork there should be a yard of glass. Care, however, should
be taken that_ there should not be too much glare. Thus, an
unnecessary window should be bricked up immediately on its
discovery.

Doors.—These wooden barriers are frequently the cause of much
illness._ Were there no doors there would be no draughts. Under
these circumstances doors should be unsparingly abolished.

The Dungeon.—This is a new but very necessary addition to the
comforts of a home. No household conducted on truly economical
principles should be without one. If the house is a castle, the
dungeon should be constructed beneath the moat. It is scarcely
necessary to say that it should be used as a place of secret confine-
ment for the Tax-Collector, who may be cajoled into the hall by in-
sidious politeness, there sprung upon, seized, gagged, garotte, and
plunged into the dungeon.

HIGH CIIUHOH COMEDY.

The Venerable yet humorous Archdeacon of Taunton seldom
opens his mouth without saying something remarkable. As, for
instance, in moving a Resolution of defiance to the Court of Arches
at the Meeting lately held by the English Church Union in the
Freemasons' Tavern, to consider the Hatcham case. He said that
the Court which had inhibited poor Mr. Tooth " ought to be called
Lord Penzance's Court; " that he "knew no more shameful pro-
ceedings than that that Court should sit at Lambeth ; " and that
Lord Penzance's Court was "a name by which it would go down
to the odium and execration of posterity." His hearers laughed,
not unnaturally, at language which reads like that of a preacher of
Temperance, who has taken too much tea, abusing beer.

Archdeacon Denison is reported also to have said: —

" It is a very fine thing to come here cheering one another, and passing
Resolutions by acclamation; but what are we going to do for the Priests of the
Church of England—those who will be brought possibly very soon under the
claws of Lord Penzance ? {Laughter.)''

More laughter; naturally again; laughter at the idea of Lord
Penzance with claws. A funny idea, certainly. Couldn't our
Archdeacon work it out ? Is he able to draw ? Then he might put
Lord Penzance on paper, with claws and all the other extras to the
human form which they imply. Perhaps he will favour us with a
sketch of him thus delineated.

Oar impayable Archdeacon proceeded as follows :—

" I believe that Priests will follow the example of those two men who have
fought the real battle ; our dear friend Mr. Purchas, who was killed by it
(' hear, hear ! '), and our dear friend Arthur Tooth. {Prolonged cheering).
Arid there is anothermanwho has been killed too,our clear friend Dr. Dykes.
{'■Hear, hear!'). "Well, Mr. Tooth* is looking forward to dwelling in a
prison during the remainder of his life ; and, if I know the man, I must say
nothing in this world will ever take him out of it {cheers) ; and if I had to go
to prison, I should like to go to prison with him. {Laughter.) "

The tables set in a roar again by a Yorick equal to Sir Wilfrid
Lawson—of course only joking. We live in happy times compared
to those in which real martyrs were killed, and genuine Confessors
sent to prison. Our venerable Yorick can have no real fear of
having to go there along with Mr. Tooth. Moreover, a prison is
not the institution to which any Judge with the requisite discretion
would commit such defendants as those concerned in the pranks
which Archdeacon Denison's friends have been playing at St.
James's, (Colney) Hatcham.

Natural (History) Question.

Mr. Proctor, in his Lecture on the Sea Serpent, says :—

" The Mermaid, again, has been satisfactorily identified with the Manatee,
or ' Woman-Fish,' as the Portuguese call it, which assumes, says Captain
Scoreshy, 'such positions that the human appearance is very closely
imitated.' "—Times.

Has the Manatee, or "Woman-Fish," any connection with the
modern Man at Tea—the Ladies' fish—the great creature at five
o'clock kettle- drums ?

Kill and Not Cure.

In a paragraph on Vaccination in the Times, the President of the
Anti-compulsory Vaccination League is stated to be " a Clergyman
of the Church of England, but happily (according to the Clergy
List) without cure of souls." Happily, perhaps. But then if he
had cure of souls he would have business of his own to mind^-might
possibly mind it, and, by having his attention occupied with curing
souls, be withheld from opposing the prevention of small-pox, and
so promoting the propagation of disease amongst bodies.

a falling off.

Old Buttonless, the bachelor, complains that whereas in former
times his friends sent him at Christmas a dozen brace or so of birds,
he now only receives by post a couple of dozen or so of twopenny
Robins!

two wats of looking at it.

The Court of Exchequer has decided that cutting cocks' combs is
cruelty to animals. But if you don't cut cox-combs they inflict
themselves upon you, and on which side is the cruelty to animals

then f _

A Nice Bishopric {for a red-hot Partisan Parson).—The Paleeo-
crystic See.