Punch (82.1882)

January 21, 1882.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

27


AGAINST THE GRAIN.

(Mary-Janc's view of it.)

[Henry Cook, 37, a Dancing-master, was
indicted for unlawfully obtaining by false pre-
tences from Corneiia Willis, Cook, Ellen
Holley, Domestic Servant, and others, sundry
watches and articles of jewellery. . ._. Mr.
Grain, in addressing the jury for the prisoner,
declared that the foolish young women who had
allowed the prisoner to stop and speak to them,
were entitied to very little sympathy. The fact
was, they parted with their jeweliery hecause
they wanted to get married.]

Little sympathy ? That pill is
Quite too mueh of a big bolus.

Thiuk of poor Cornely Willis,

Sick and tired o’ living solus !

I ’ve no doubt that Dancing-master
Was a nobby sort o’ touch,

And a g'irl is apt to cast ’er
’Preciative eyes on such.

Then to find him a imposter—

Married, too—of all thin'gs wust!

Fancy what it must ha’ cost ’er !

An’ ’er ’eart- must nigh ’ave bust!

Wanted to get married ? Grimminy !

That ’s a orful crime, no doubt;

But if Mister G-rain knows women, he
Knows there’s lots of it about.

Parted with their jewellery !

Ah ! now that ’s not like the Swells.

Their small game is different, very,

As their lovyers’ cheque-books tells.

Their lay’s taking,—diamonds, ruhies,
Wouldn’t catch them,—oh dear, no!—

Griving up their rings, like hoobies,

For to ’elp a hard-up beau.

Lor’! our lives ain’t none so cheerful
That sweetheartin’ should be stopped;

Girls did ought to be more keerful,

But the sharpest may be copped.

P’raps if Missises was kinder,

Held us just a bit above

Lumps o’ dirt—but there ! wot ’s blinder
Than yer stuck-up Pride—’cept Love ?

Holker and Joker.

L-r-d Ch-e J-s-t-ce C-l-r-dge presents
his compliments to Mr. Punch, and begs
to forward him a little legal joke of his
own making:—

Why ought Sir J ohn Holker to be a good
judge of an Orange ?

Because everybody says he will prove
an admirable J udge of a peel.

[Thanks, my Lud. P(unch) O(ffice) Ordershall
be forwarded to your Ludship. Judge Punch’s
hearty congratulations to Sir John.]

A MODEST DISCLAIMER.

The Profassor (opening his Wife's Prayer-book by chance). “ * With all my worldly Goods
I thee endow’ ! Why, when we married, Maria, I iiadn’t a Penny to bless myself

WITH, LET ALONE TO ENDOVV YOU!”

Maria. “ No, my Love ; but you had a magnificent Intellect, and endowed me

WITH THAT-”

The Professor. “ JVo, I didn’t, Maria !”

You ’re a very little whale
To wag so proud a tail.

_ First Leviathan. Pooh ! The Companies threw a tub to you some
time ag_o, and since then you ’ve been going about as Leviat’han with
a hook in his jaws ; as free as the Dolphins harnessed to old Nep’s
hydrostatic van—I mean chariot.

Second Leviathan. Sorry to see rabies developing itself so fast in
you. Or perhaps it ’s water on the brain ?

[ Much splashing, ancl conf used sounds of sarcasm and recnmina-
tion, references, couched in language of carefully concocted
rudeness, to rohhery, monopoly, ruinous arhitration, judicious
negotiations, Dr. Frankland’s theoretical paradoxes, Dr.
Tidy’s neat answers, sickening competition, humhle pie,
confiscation dodges, Anonymous Eminences and crass im-
hecility. Lots of little fishes join the fray at respectful
distances, eacli making his own little splash with all the
felicity of small fry in afluster.

Mr. Bull (looking on). Leviathans and little fishes, but this is
more farcical than effective ! Don’t see that it hrings me any nearer
to my goal—a^ cheap and plentiful supply of wholesome water.
VVonder if Frankland’s “ moving organisms” — eugh !—are

“ theoretical paradoxes.” A moving organism by any other name
would smell as nasty. Guess these big and rather bouneeable
Behemoths want the hook of friendly snubbing through their some-
what uplifted noses. Meanwhile, I still have to pay through mine.
Lightand airy way inwhichtheyhandle “ Millions” is most amusing ;
only the Millions are also mine. Capital sport—for the Leviathans.
But I fear I shall have to spoil it. [ Exit, dissatisfied.

The Paradise of Attorneys.

This is Ireland, at present. The New Land Act will probably
take between two and three centuries to administer, and the costs of
adjudication will be about one million and a half sterling. In one
district the ground-down tenants recently paid costs to the extent of
three thousand two hundred pounds, and obtained a reduction of
twenty-seven pounds ten in the shape of rent. This is the “ sweet
boon ” that has been given to the country by the English Government.

Nine Hours’ Movement on Railways.—How many miles an hour ?