Punch (82.1882)

February 4, 1882.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIYAHI. s?

VULGARIAN OUTRAGES AND MORE RUSHIN’ ATROCITIES.

• TIIE QUEEN'S SPEECH.

{Draft Copy—subject to Alteration.)

My Lords and GtENTLEMER,

I mttch regret that, owing to pressing engagements of a
publie character, I am prevented from following the former consti-
tutional usage of opening the new Session of my Parliament in

person. But the regret is
tempered by the considera-
tion that this Speech will
be read to you by our well-
beloved Cousin and trusty
Counsellor, the Lord Punch,
High Commissioner of Com-
mon Sense in these Realms,
and Keeper of the Nation in
Grood Humour. I may re-
mark, in an aside, that if
the counsels of my Lord
Punch were more scrupu-
lously followed, when found
in his weekly addresses,
your labours as a legisla-
tive body would be consi-
derably lessened. A people
wise,happy, and prosperous
would want no new laws.

My relations with F oreign
Powers continue to be
friendly and harmonious.
There has been a little
trouble in France, where
M. G-ambetta has disco-
vered that it is easier to criticise rulers than to govern nations.
Egypthasbeen in a ferment, perhaps more or less remotely connected
with the Stock Exchange. Herzegovina is, like Parliament Street in
mid-Session, “ up ” again. Prince Bismarck has been bearding the
people, and confiscating the People’s Friend, Punch. I have, however,
in a manner not recently familiar, been attending to my own business,
keeping my fingers out of other people’s pies, and looking after the
earlier and later stages of the development of my own.

In Ireland I have now sufficient to occupy my attention without
devoting any portion of the passing day to thrusting my advice on
other nations, as to how they should conduct their affairs, whether
internal or external. The Land Court is at work; but hitherto
there has been more work than Land Court. I trust that with the
turn of the year the proportions may become more equalised.

Outrage has not ceased in that part of my kingdom, though no
effort to grapple with it has been spared. The disclosures at a
reeent trial in Cork make it more than ever clear that the murders and
mutilations which disgrace one of the fairest parts of my kingdom
are the result, not of a popular movement, but of the action of those
“ village tyrants” and “ dissolute ruffians ” whom the Secretary to

the Lord Lieutenant once denounced. I mean, with your assistance,
to deliver the Irish people from this incubus of cowardly guilt.

Strange as it may appear we have not at the present moment any
little war on, of course always excepting Ireland. I cannot recall
any recent occasion when I have been able to meet you under simi-
larly cheerful circumstances.

You may at the outset have an uncomfortable feeling that since
we are not shooting anyone anywhere, or being shot ourselves, the
honour of England is being dragged in the dust. I am glad to assure
you that that is a perfect delusion.

GrENTLEMEN OF THE HoUSE OP COMMOHS,

The Estimates of the Services of the coming year are in a
forward state of preparation, and will be speedily laid before you.
Mr. Gtladstone tells me he is likely to have a pretty popular Budget.

I have pleasure in announcing that my youngest son Leopold has
contracted a matrimonial alliance in every way suitable. He will
now begin to appreciate the kind consideration which, on his coming
of age, led you to make him an allowance of £15,000 a year. That,
with the dowry coming to him with his bride, will make a nice
income for the young couple. If more is wanted, my children will
know where to look lor help.

I hope you mean to do a little more work and make a little less talk
than last Session. To that end a scheme will be propounded for the
amendment of the rules of debate. The discussion of this will afford
a favourable opportunity of showing how brief and business- like
may be your debates.

My Lords and Gentlemen,

When the Scheme alluded to has passed the House of
Commons, it is proposed that you should buckle to, and make up
some arrears in the business of the nation. Many Sessions have
passed since you had that opportunity in a full measure. When it
has not been treland it has been lndia ; when it has not been India
it has been Africa; and when it has not been Africa it has been
Ireland. It is time to remember that there are other portions of the
Empire. One is England, another Scotland, and the third London.
We have had enough of Ireland for this generation, and sufficient of
Africa and Asia for what remains of the century. There is plenty
of work to be done at home, and I commend it to your consideration.

Among the subjects you will be asked to deal with this Session
are the Local Government of Counties, the Government of Eondon,
Local Taxation, the Bankruptcy Bill, the Conservation of Bivers,
and the Preventing of Floods. There may be others that will be
brought forward in the course of the Session. But if you will settle
these, you will do more for neglected portions of the Empire than
has been done during the preceding Sessions.

Now,

My Lords and Gentlemen, get to work forthwith, and

Gentlemen oe the House oe Commons, don’t begin by squab-
bling.

Mrs. Ram is getting on with her French. She says she detests
Communists, with their motto about “ Proprete c’est le vol.”