Punch (82.1882)

88

PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVAPJ.

[February 25, 1882.

ESSENCE O F PARLIAMENT.

EXTRACTED FROM

THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.

>)j),

7J

LORD SALI8BURY APPEALING ON BEHALF OF BRITISH WOOLLEN INDUSTRIES TO THE MYSTERIOUS AND OCCULT

TRIBUNAL OF FASHION.

Monday Night, February 13. — House playing at debating
again. Fact is, that till the New Rules are reached there is nothing
to be done. But since the Speaker takes the Chair, the Mace is
brought out, and to all outward appearance Parliament is sitting,
we must look as life-like as possible. Accordingly, trot out Irish
question again, and battle around it with ghastly efforts to seem in
earnest. All old speeches made during Recess raked up. Oppo-
sition say to Ministers, “ You said so-and-so somewhere in the
Recess. You bad, wicked men! How dare you ? ” Ministers retort,
“ You ’re another ! It was so-and-so we said on that particular occa-
sion.” Then extracts are produced, and read with much emphasis.

This wiles away the time, and brings on midnight. Only thing
wanted is an audienee. Members generously concede it ’s the right
and proper thing to do ; and it would be very nice indeed if their
neighbours would only help to make a something that should loolc
like a House. As for them, pressing engagements unfortunately
call them away. So hour after hour the House empty, or fllled with
vox et prceterea nihil.

Between the early hours of the sitting, when Puunket and
Chamberlain had a little set-to, and close upon midnight, when
Lord George Hamilton said a few words, a dreary interval, during
which the melancholy Marum mused, and the bumptious Barry
bawled.

Georgie Hamilton really in fine form. Has been bottling up his
wrath for some weeks, and explosion when it came terrific. Nothing
less than Joseph Chamberlain’s head on a char^er would satisfy
him. In the meantime he will be slightly mollified if Mr. Glad-
stone will forthwith rise i'rom the Treasury Bench and dismiss
Josepii from office. Mr. Gladstone, who has fixed himself in as
comfortable anattitudeas the Treasury Bench permits, is apparently
asleep. Slightly moves at this injunction. Is he about to rise and
purchase his own safety by throwing over the President of the Board
of Trade ? J. C. bends his head, ostensibly to rearrange the flower
in his buttonhole, but really to hide the pallor that steals over his
face. The few Members present hold their breath in anticipation
of the coming crisis. Peter begins to consider how the Board of
Trade would suit him. Georgie pauses a moment in the torrent of
his speeeh. He is a fair-minded young nobleman, and will give
Gladstone every chance. But W. E. G. is only settling himself
into a more comfortable position. The opportunity has fled. Cham-
berlain is saved ; but, as Lord George mutters to himself, as he
resumes his seat, “ At what a price^—at what a price ! ”

Business done.—Consideration ot’ Rules further postponed.

Tuesday Night.—Irish Members not so bad after all. Been
desperately dull this Session. Began to think there was no more
humour amongst them. But, as Mr. Briggs says,—

“ You may break, you may shatter the vase if you will,

The 6cent of the roses will cling to it still.”

To-night commenced with the old, old game, and the same sad story.
Address on the Debate, with tremendous harangue from Sexton.
Spoke for two mortal hours and a half, and not nearly so well as in
some of his quarter-of-an-hour flashes. Eight o’clock when he sat
down. House empty as usual. Sexton talked the Saxon clean off
the premises. Members gone away believing the division would
take place about one in the morning.

“What a lark,” says Richard Power, kept in from his own
dinner “to rush the division now.”

Word passed round to stow all speeches ; great trouble with The
Macfarlane, who had his ready, and isn’t going to see it lost,
especially after coming down so early the day Parliament opened.
Made desperate attempts to rise; friends and countrymen held on to
his coat-tails ; but The Macfarlane is of powerful build, and no
one can say what might have happened if Joseph Gillis, temporarily
releasing the pressure of his knuckles from the back of his neck, had
not whispered in his ear that he could deliver his Speech on the
report of the Address. The Macfarlane then subsided. Question
put: Address agreed to, and House comfortably Counted Out by nine
o’clock.

Joseph Gillis subsequently spent two happy hours in Palace
Yard, watching Members arrive ready to vote in the expected
division. They came down smiling and radiant with the thought
that they ’d missed the boredom of the evening, and would still have
their names in the Division List for the contemplation of distant
constituencies. Amtold that when J. G. put his head inside cab or
carriage, and soothingly said, ‘ ‘ Aren’t ye a little late ? ” bad language
ensued. As was said by one of old time, “ Joey B. is dev’Iish sly.”

Business done.—Address agreed to.

Wednesday Afternoon,—This Irish Debate reminds me of a dis-
tant family connection named Snarleyoiv. Captain Markyat made
a novel about him, showing how, after he had been at various times
shot, drowned, poisoned, boiled, and finaliy buried under eight feet
of earth, always turned up again, wagging his tail as if nothing
particular had happened. Thought we had done with the Address
after the collapse of last night; but here it is as brisk as ever, or
rather as deadly dull. The Macfarlane worked off his speech, and
then the Attorney-General turned on his tap, which was only
turned off when a Quarter-to-Six struck.

Business done.—Consideration of Rules further postponed.

Thursday Night.—Attorney-General for Ikeland turned on his
tap again. When it had been running for an hour began to think
he had forgotten he had already done half-an-hour on Wednesday
night. When be reached the second hour felt sure of it; when he
commenced on the fifth half-hour, asked Stafford Northcote to
lead me out, which he did most gently. Says if this sort of thing
goes on, dog-tax ought to be repealed. Most kind-hearted man,
Stafford ; always tries to say pleasant things.