Punch: Punch (82.1882)

96

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

[February 25, 1882.

SKETCHES FROM ‘ BOZ.

(.Adapted to Well-known Characters.

Mr. G. L-w-s as Jaggers.

Lord D-rby as Micawber.

Dr. Ly-n Pl-yf-r as Bob Sawyer.

Lord R. Ch-rch-ll as Guppy.

TIIE WOOL-GATHERERS.

AU ODD CHAPTER.

“Lord Salisbury makes an earnest appeal to Ladie3 to forego their own
tastes, by dressing themselyes in the unsold goods, the surpius stock, the
remnants and bargains, always to be got cheap, especially when the new

fashions art coming in. Lord Salisbury appears able to promise an

extensive combination. Unless he has raised his tone a little too high,

we may reasonably expectthe entire Conservative party to appear in articles
w.irranted British, inferior and obsolete.’’—Baily Paper.

The two Noblomeii stepped from their box into the foyer. There
had not been sueh a close night since the first of April. The Opera
was crowded, the thermometer stood at 96° under the portico, and
they were clad in the heavy fabrics now associated with perfect ton.
Their shirt fronts were thickly loaded with white clay, and a stout
ribbed coarse corduroy cloth of extra thickness supplied the rest of
their evening costume. They had, moreover, made it a point of
honour to wear in addition, two complete sets of Sheffield grey twist
underclothing ; for they had just joined the New JBAtish Industrial
League, and were enthusiastically determined to be true to its
economic principles. Still, they were hot, and by a common instinct
they lounged in the direction of one of the well polished hydrants,
.and its yow of neatly arranged fire-buckets, with the intention of
refreshing themselves.

But as they passed the entrance to the refreshment saloon they
paused. The scene that met their gaze was curious. Within was a
faintingj struggling, perspiring, but highly aristocratic throng, who,
clamouring for water, appeared fairly to threaten to take the counter
by storm. Here an Earl, well known in society, was standing on a
small marble-topped table, and, whirling his opera-glasses round in
the air to attract attention, was offering five guineas for an ice-pail.
Beneath him, gasping on the floor, lay a distinguished Statesman
trying to tear off some of his woollen upper clothing in an evident
stage of incipient delirium. By one of the huge windows, a Political
Economist, hitherto favourably known for his careful and scientific
handling of fiscal problems, stood with his head thrust through a
pane of plate-glass, singing snatches of a comic song. On all sides
well-brea people were reeling and using strong language, while the
attendants standing, in self-defence, on the debris of shivered coffee
urns and sponge cakes, were distributing, as fast as they could,
amidst a shower of sovereigns, saucers of rough ice and salt to the

stifling and surging mob by which they seemed likely to be over-
whelmed.

They watched the strugglers for a few seconds? when the eye of
the least exhausted suddenly lighting on the familiar features of an
Eminent Personage trying to force a pathway out of the midst of the
fray with a tin of lemon-drops and half a cup of cold tea, he made a
dash to his assistance.

His companion was about to follow when a heavy thud on his
shoulder, aceompanied by a silvery little laugh, made him look round
angrily for an explanation.

“ Ha! It is you, Duchess ! ” he said, biting his lip in pain with a
well-bred smile, as he endeavoured to suppress his evident annoyance.

“ How awkward of me,” was the pretty-pouted rejoinder. “I
merely meant to give you a playful tap, thinking I had my Palais
Royal Eventail civec moi ; but you see, this is the new Birmingham
make, and it weighs five pounds and a half. So sorry. I am afraid
I must have hurt you.” She held up a clumsy, highly-coloured,
over-sized fan of British manufacture as she spoke. “ C’est tres
fatiguant,” she added, laughingly, trying at the same time to wield
the cumbersome article, “ and only this afternoon I meant merely to
touch the dear old Duke lightly with it sur le front; and I have
rendered him absolutely invisible for a whole week! Mais, que
voulez-vous f We must be patriotic.”

She tapped her companion again playfully on the fingers. He
winced. “ N’importe,” he said, “ N’importe,” at the same time
rubbing his shoulder with a courteous polish, as he made a more
careful survey of his na'ive interlocutor. A handsome woman of not
more than five-and-thirty, she was dressed with the most perfect
taste, as it was understood by the haute societe of the hour. Her
jupon of Manchester print of a rimning colour, quilted with buchons
of inferior linsey, was relieved, here and there, by nceuds a I’occa-
sion of damaged British ribbons; while her bodice of housemaid’s
calico, to which the salesman’srecommendation of “ Look here. All
tlxis lot at ls. 10\d.f by an heureuse pensee of the modiste had been
left still attached, was trimmed with petites ruclies, cleverly contrived
from second-hand remnants of faded alpaca.

For a moment her appearance almost dazzled him. The pretty
Duchess saw her advantage, and again giving him an arch blow on
the fingers with her weighty eventail, laughed a coy little laugh.
But the strain proved this time too much for the quality of the in-
ferior etoffe in which her fair form was cased. A series of startling
cracks, ringing along the foyer, reminded her that something had
given way.

“ Ils lefont tousf she said, nothing disconcerted, for she had be-
come familiar with the bargains of her native land, and knew their
ways. “ Come, give me your arm, and take me to the box.” He
was hot; but his ancestors had fought at Agincourt, and he was a
Grentleman. He did not hesitate.

“ In half a minute,” he said, chivalrously. In another second, hc
had turned the corner, and was bounding, as fast as his heavy
woollen over-clothing would allow him, down the grand staircase
towards Bow Street. He heeded nothing in his flight. There was a
crowd in the hall below gathered round the now prostrate form of
the Eminent Personage he had noticed struggling but lately in the
salon above, and he heard a Policeman say kindly, “ ¥e ’Il get you
to Hatfield presently, my Lord ; but we must get some of this off
you first. The fabric has been too much for you.” But he did not
wait, for, melting and asphyxiated as he was, hehad seen a visionof
loveliness descending the stairs that for a moment had nerved him.
The rich Manchester heiress, hanging on the arm of her father, the
noted woollen millionnaire, was drawing near. She was clad in a rich
Lyons velvet sacque, one of Worth’s latest triumphs; and the
French polish on the boots of the Horthern Crcesus fairly corruscated
as he shambled along towards his carriage.

He saw his opportunity. He dashed forward, and with a
whispered plaisanterie in the ear of his goddess, offered to summon
the vehiele.

“ Law, Pa,” said the young giri, “ why, if it isn’t the Earl! ”

“ The Hearl! ” was the curt rejoinder, “ why, a couple of Dooks
wouldn’t be a match for you! ”

The next moment sixteen footmen in carmine plush and shoulder-
knots, had made a passage to the carriage.

Then the voice of the millionnaire was heard once more outside.
“Nowthen, Coachman, ’Ackney Wick Palace—’Ome ! ” And the
splendid equipage drove off.

“ I’m afraid I ’ve made a mistake,” said the Eminent Personage,
still on the floor, but at length opening his eyes feebly.

“Never mind, my Lord,” replied the Poiiceman kindly. “ The
best of us can’t sometimes help a bit of wool-gathering.”

The Panic-Monger’s Gtxide.—Two “ Huestions ” in the House of
Commons make twenty-four Leaders. Twenty-four Leaders make
one Alarm. Four Alarms make two Panics. Two Panics make one
Catastrophe. One Catastrophe makes two hundred Leaders. &c., &c.