DOI issue:
March 25, 1882
DOI Page / Citation link:https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17752#0143
136 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIYARI.
[March 25, 1882.
ESSENCE O F PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM
THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
IIocse of Commons—Monday Night, March 13.—Mr. Warton
came down to-nig-ht prepared to do the State some service. Army
Estimates down for Committee. Childers talks about the law and
the necessity of having a vote to-night. GtLadstone makes appeals
on the score of publie business. Mr. Warton knows these things
are meant for his ear, but is not to be turned aside from his
purpose.
“Army all very well, and Navy too,” he says to Mr. Whitlet,
“ but there ’s something undermining the constitution of this country,
sueking its heart’s blood, and that is Patent Medicines. There are
Patent Medicines and Patent Medicines. I ’ve tried ’em all. Pepsine
Pills, warranted to strike only on the box ; Langallibale’s Lotion ;
the Anonymous Ointment; the Cheerful Cherry Pectoral; Cinder
Biscuits ; Delicious Dog Soap ; Corn Plasters for the Corpulent;
Digestible Worm Powders; the Wonderful Wafer; the Bashful Beetle
Poison ; Widow Whelpton’s Pills— I ’ve tried ’em all, in short, and
now look at me! Been a good deal of talk, I know, about my wear-
ing gloves. Never had ’em off since the Speaker took the Chair.
Know what people say. Most of them think I’ve taken a vow
never to take my gloves off till Gladstone ’s deposed. All a flam,
dear Whitley. Fact is, I’ve been experimenting with Patent
Medieines and Powders, till I rather expect you will see something
when I do take off my gloves.”
Interesting sight to see Warton during early proceedings,
surrounded by flysheets of advertisements, and treatises on the
Pharmacopoeia. Also a choice selection of samples, bought regardless
of expense, at one shilling and three-halfpence the bottle, all neatly
arranged on the Bench, with interstices filled up by pill-boxes of
SLnors Gforsto and Yartoni in their popular Duet, “ ’W’hy don’t he name
the day P ”
various sizes. Warton hands about a pill-box for snuff, but no one
cares for one just now. Tried very hard to get Biggar to take a
dose of the Immaculate Embrocation. Biggar said he was pretty
well at the moment: but accepted a small box of voice lozenges,
and a bottle of Towle’s Cimolite, which he said he ’d try on The
O’Gorman Mahon.
A few words on Egypt a propos Arrny Estimates. Then, passing
over Industrial Schools, we reach Mr. Warton’s Motion. Unfor-
tunately at the moment W. was refreshing himself with a packet
of soothing powder, having first rubbed into his hair a small bottle
! ot’ Mariani’s Meat Juice. Just swallowing a dose of Congreve’s
Chimethloplastron (recommended for chilblains), when he dis-
coyered Mr. Redmond on his legs talking about Ireland. The
Irishman had stolen a march on him ! He had lost his turn ; and,
: folding up his pill-boxes like the Arab, he stole away, though not
I quite so silently, repeating to himself several times the form of
affirmation.
Business done.—Army Estimates introduced.
Tuesday Night.—“ McIver is a well-meaning young man,” Har-
court said just now, critically eyeing the Member for Birkenhead.
“ But his Parliamentary manner is uncommonly like that of a Jack-
in-the-box.”
When one comes to think of it, that ’s true. Some kind of mental
dynamite suddenly goes off in the great mind of McIver, and in an
instant be is up on his feet. The House roars. M. holds out hand
deprecatingly, and turns his innoeent and spectacled face (so like
the late Mr. Toots) from side to side, feebly smiling. Gets off a few
words. Speaker interposes on point of order, and M. shoots down om
his seat as if the spring were withdrawn. Up again with hand
outstretched, and spectacled face more than ever like Mr. Toots.
“ If the House will pardon me,” he says, in a voice that does not
seem to belong to hira, “ I will give them a few details.”
House not inclined to pardon him in any circumstances. With
the prospect of a few details impossible. A sustained roar, as if
Jumbo had been got into the box, and was surprised to tind the door
shut. It is now that M. is so like a Jack-iu-the-Box. Momentarily
disappears from sight. Just as the House thinks all is over,' there h&
is again in exactly the same attitude, with hand pleadingly out-
stretched, a hysterical smile spread over the lower part of his
features, and head turning rapidly from side to side, like a Man-
darin in a tea-shop. House howls, M. disappears, brief silence,
M. shoots up again ; whereupon such a roar, that his glasses jingle
on his nose. Coneludes he will return to his speech another day.
House Counted Out at half-past seven. Not unreasonable, seeing
it sat till four this morning. “ Most astonishing place this,” says
Mr. Lyon Playfair. “ Last night, Government night, private Mem-
bers bring on miscellaneous motions occupying the time till a quarter
to One, when business begins. To-night, private Members’ night;
might have had it all to themselves, and they all cut off like school-
boys, leaving House to be counted If what took place last night
&p to a cjuarter to One, had been transplanted to to-night, evening
might have been pleasantly occupied, and the business of the nation
might have been done.”
Curious how old Members stick to traditions of the place. Here ’s
Lyon Playfair who, with all he has undergone, thinks the House
of Commons is a place where the primary object is to do business !
Thursday Night.—Here’s Forster been doing something again.
Begiu to give up all hope of his reformation. Only just looked in,
and don’t know yet what it is ; evidently something fearful. Expect
he ’s shot a landlord from behind a hedge : or been out maraudiug at
night with his face more than usually dirty, and being one of a
party of twenty, has dragged a man out of bed and shot him in the
knees ; or, perhaps, it is a woman whom, being backed up by Young
Hopeful and supported by a body of armed men, he’s heroically
dragged out of her homestead, with murderous threats ; or mayhe
he ’s only ruined some tradesman by boycotting him; or perhaps
he’sbeen found out in the still more agreeable and gentlemanly
pursuit of living at ease in the Westminster Palace Hotel on the
coppers of Irish servant-girls and the dollars of American Fenians.
Don’t wonder he looks so guilty with his head sunlc on his breast,
and his hair in a state of revolution. Sail on, Sexton ! Bowl away,
Biggar ! Hark forward, Healy ! Come on, Callan ! Never let it
be said that because a man is a Minister he shall not be punished for
these things, or at least held up to the scorn of honest men.
Say all this to Dilke. “You’d better wait till you know what
it’s all about,” says he ; “ it’s as well to do thatbefore talking about
it.”
It may be in ordinary circumstances, but it certainly is not par-
liamentary. Dilke says all this hullabaloo which has so excited my
ingenuous mind, is beeause Forster, when he went to speak at
Tullamore, let the Irish Times know, but didn’t tell Freeman's
Journal. If that ’s so, must tear out that leaf of my Diary. Have
had a little too much of the Freemau and its business affairs of
late. Healy, the other day, stopped Committee of Supply while he
wanted to know why some advertisement was sent to “ the Scotsman
of Glasgow ” and not to Freeman's Journal. All very well to
help a colleague ; but rather hard on the House.
Lawson says he ’s going to strike a bargain with Gray. Ask him
how much he ’s lost on this and similar transactions. Propose a vote
in Supply, and so have done with it. “ Save several days.in the
Session,” he says, “ andthe country is rich.” Wilfrid isevidently
coming round to correct views on the matter of compensation. _
Business done.—Up to midnight none. Then Trevelyan intro-
duced Navy Estimates in excellent speech.
Friday Night.—Everybody getting up Memorials to the Prime
Minister about everything. C. Russell wants the British
taxpayer to buy out the Irish Landlords, and present the holdings
to the Tenants. McFarlane wants feather-beds for the suspects at
Kilmainham, and a sugar-basin a-piece when they take hot whiskey,
instead of having lumps doled out to them as at present. Newde-
gate wants Mr. Labouchere expelled ; and Stafford Northcotf.
wants the loan of one of II. M. ship3 to be placed at the disposal of
Randolph, so that he can go on a cruise_ that will not bring
liim back till September. All these Memorials are “ extensively
signed.”
Must do something myself. Session wearing on, and my name ’s
scarcely been in the papers. Shall get up Memorial to the Prime
Minister, praying that grilled bones and London porter be supplied
to all Members on production of their cards, when the House sits
after one o’clock a.m. Fancy this will be pretty extensively
signed.
Business done.—Talk about Borneo. Some small votes in Supply.
[March 25, 1882.
ESSENCE O F PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM
THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
IIocse of Commons—Monday Night, March 13.—Mr. Warton
came down to-nig-ht prepared to do the State some service. Army
Estimates down for Committee. Childers talks about the law and
the necessity of having a vote to-night. GtLadstone makes appeals
on the score of publie business. Mr. Warton knows these things
are meant for his ear, but is not to be turned aside from his
purpose.
“Army all very well, and Navy too,” he says to Mr. Whitlet,
“ but there ’s something undermining the constitution of this country,
sueking its heart’s blood, and that is Patent Medicines. There are
Patent Medicines and Patent Medicines. I ’ve tried ’em all. Pepsine
Pills, warranted to strike only on the box ; Langallibale’s Lotion ;
the Anonymous Ointment; the Cheerful Cherry Pectoral; Cinder
Biscuits ; Delicious Dog Soap ; Corn Plasters for the Corpulent;
Digestible Worm Powders; the Wonderful Wafer; the Bashful Beetle
Poison ; Widow Whelpton’s Pills— I ’ve tried ’em all, in short, and
now look at me! Been a good deal of talk, I know, about my wear-
ing gloves. Never had ’em off since the Speaker took the Chair.
Know what people say. Most of them think I’ve taken a vow
never to take my gloves off till Gladstone ’s deposed. All a flam,
dear Whitley. Fact is, I’ve been experimenting with Patent
Medieines and Powders, till I rather expect you will see something
when I do take off my gloves.”
Interesting sight to see Warton during early proceedings,
surrounded by flysheets of advertisements, and treatises on the
Pharmacopoeia. Also a choice selection of samples, bought regardless
of expense, at one shilling and three-halfpence the bottle, all neatly
arranged on the Bench, with interstices filled up by pill-boxes of
SLnors Gforsto and Yartoni in their popular Duet, “ ’W’hy don’t he name
the day P ”
various sizes. Warton hands about a pill-box for snuff, but no one
cares for one just now. Tried very hard to get Biggar to take a
dose of the Immaculate Embrocation. Biggar said he was pretty
well at the moment: but accepted a small box of voice lozenges,
and a bottle of Towle’s Cimolite, which he said he ’d try on The
O’Gorman Mahon.
A few words on Egypt a propos Arrny Estimates. Then, passing
over Industrial Schools, we reach Mr. Warton’s Motion. Unfor-
tunately at the moment W. was refreshing himself with a packet
of soothing powder, having first rubbed into his hair a small bottle
! ot’ Mariani’s Meat Juice. Just swallowing a dose of Congreve’s
Chimethloplastron (recommended for chilblains), when he dis-
coyered Mr. Redmond on his legs talking about Ireland. The
Irishman had stolen a march on him ! He had lost his turn ; and,
: folding up his pill-boxes like the Arab, he stole away, though not
I quite so silently, repeating to himself several times the form of
affirmation.
Business done.—Army Estimates introduced.
Tuesday Night.—“ McIver is a well-meaning young man,” Har-
court said just now, critically eyeing the Member for Birkenhead.
“ But his Parliamentary manner is uncommonly like that of a Jack-
in-the-box.”
When one comes to think of it, that ’s true. Some kind of mental
dynamite suddenly goes off in the great mind of McIver, and in an
instant be is up on his feet. The House roars. M. holds out hand
deprecatingly, and turns his innoeent and spectacled face (so like
the late Mr. Toots) from side to side, feebly smiling. Gets off a few
words. Speaker interposes on point of order, and M. shoots down om
his seat as if the spring were withdrawn. Up again with hand
outstretched, and spectacled face more than ever like Mr. Toots.
“ If the House will pardon me,” he says, in a voice that does not
seem to belong to hira, “ I will give them a few details.”
House not inclined to pardon him in any circumstances. With
the prospect of a few details impossible. A sustained roar, as if
Jumbo had been got into the box, and was surprised to tind the door
shut. It is now that M. is so like a Jack-iu-the-Box. Momentarily
disappears from sight. Just as the House thinks all is over,' there h&
is again in exactly the same attitude, with hand pleadingly out-
stretched, a hysterical smile spread over the lower part of his
features, and head turning rapidly from side to side, like a Man-
darin in a tea-shop. House howls, M. disappears, brief silence,
M. shoots up again ; whereupon such a roar, that his glasses jingle
on his nose. Coneludes he will return to his speech another day.
House Counted Out at half-past seven. Not unreasonable, seeing
it sat till four this morning. “ Most astonishing place this,” says
Mr. Lyon Playfair. “ Last night, Government night, private Mem-
bers bring on miscellaneous motions occupying the time till a quarter
to One, when business begins. To-night, private Members’ night;
might have had it all to themselves, and they all cut off like school-
boys, leaving House to be counted If what took place last night
&p to a cjuarter to One, had been transplanted to to-night, evening
might have been pleasantly occupied, and the business of the nation
might have been done.”
Curious how old Members stick to traditions of the place. Here ’s
Lyon Playfair who, with all he has undergone, thinks the House
of Commons is a place where the primary object is to do business !
Thursday Night.—Here’s Forster been doing something again.
Begiu to give up all hope of his reformation. Only just looked in,
and don’t know yet what it is ; evidently something fearful. Expect
he ’s shot a landlord from behind a hedge : or been out maraudiug at
night with his face more than usually dirty, and being one of a
party of twenty, has dragged a man out of bed and shot him in the
knees ; or, perhaps, it is a woman whom, being backed up by Young
Hopeful and supported by a body of armed men, he’s heroically
dragged out of her homestead, with murderous threats ; or mayhe
he ’s only ruined some tradesman by boycotting him; or perhaps
he’sbeen found out in the still more agreeable and gentlemanly
pursuit of living at ease in the Westminster Palace Hotel on the
coppers of Irish servant-girls and the dollars of American Fenians.
Don’t wonder he looks so guilty with his head sunlc on his breast,
and his hair in a state of revolution. Sail on, Sexton ! Bowl away,
Biggar ! Hark forward, Healy ! Come on, Callan ! Never let it
be said that because a man is a Minister he shall not be punished for
these things, or at least held up to the scorn of honest men.
Say all this to Dilke. “You’d better wait till you know what
it’s all about,” says he ; “ it’s as well to do thatbefore talking about
it.”
It may be in ordinary circumstances, but it certainly is not par-
liamentary. Dilke says all this hullabaloo which has so excited my
ingenuous mind, is beeause Forster, when he went to speak at
Tullamore, let the Irish Times know, but didn’t tell Freeman's
Journal. If that ’s so, must tear out that leaf of my Diary. Have
had a little too much of the Freemau and its business affairs of
late. Healy, the other day, stopped Committee of Supply while he
wanted to know why some advertisement was sent to “ the Scotsman
of Glasgow ” and not to Freeman's Journal. All very well to
help a colleague ; but rather hard on the House.
Lawson says he ’s going to strike a bargain with Gray. Ask him
how much he ’s lost on this and similar transactions. Propose a vote
in Supply, and so have done with it. “ Save several days.in the
Session,” he says, “ andthe country is rich.” Wilfrid isevidently
coming round to correct views on the matter of compensation. _
Business done.—Up to midnight none. Then Trevelyan intro-
duced Navy Estimates in excellent speech.
Friday Night.—Everybody getting up Memorials to the Prime
Minister about everything. C. Russell wants the British
taxpayer to buy out the Irish Landlords, and present the holdings
to the Tenants. McFarlane wants feather-beds for the suspects at
Kilmainham, and a sugar-basin a-piece when they take hot whiskey,
instead of having lumps doled out to them as at present. Newde-
gate wants Mr. Labouchere expelled ; and Stafford Northcotf.
wants the loan of one of II. M. ship3 to be placed at the disposal of
Randolph, so that he can go on a cruise_ that will not bring
liim back till September. All these Memorials are “ extensively
signed.”
Must do something myself. Session wearing on, and my name ’s
scarcely been in the papers. Shall get up Memorial to the Prime
Minister, praying that grilled bones and London porter be supplied
to all Members on production of their cards, when the House sits
after one o’clock a.m. Fancy this will be pretty extensively
signed.
Business done.—Talk about Borneo. Some small votes in Supply.