Punch — 82.1882

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(By Our Own Zodpraxiscopist.)


(Communicated by the Proprietors ofthe “ Boston Intruder.")

March 1.—There are few places which the Boston Intruder does
not reach; and fewer still into which their Correspondents do not
penetrate. Got in here by pretending to be a Surveyor, commis-
sioned to report on a projected railway, for which an American iirm
of Contractors would buy up any quantity of land at proprietors’
own estimate. Liberal commission all round. Gentlemen in attend-
ance seemed to see it. Arrived quite safely, though in a state of
eonsiderable alarm. But no one iires at me; my food is not
poisoned, and I have not once been blown up.

March 2.—'The Emperor is monarch of all I survey. With the
exception of Colonel Tchokimoff, Commander of the Grarrison, Count
Falutin", High Chamberlain, and Dr. Nosorr, Sworn Analytical
Chemist, there is no one at Gratchina his rule to dispute.

March 3. — Colonel Tchoximoff has just come in to say that at
about a hundred yards’ distance from the Park-gates a suspicious-
looking stranger has been observed. Troops called out. Jdecon-
noitering party sent forward.

Afternoon.—The suspicious-looking stranger,_ Correspondent of
the New York Personal, anxious to interview His Majesty. Not if
I know it. Possibly Nihilist in disguise. Ex nihilo nihil fit! Out
of a Nihilist nothing can be made. He would say anything. So
would the Correspondent of the New York Personal.

March 4.— Glot up early, went to the top of the palace, and had a
good look through the telescope. All serene ! Took, in the garden,
what, if I were not in an autocratic country, I should call a con-
stitutional. The gardeners were digging. Thought it might be a
mine. But Count Falutin said it was a trench for celery. One of
the under-gardeners had something like gunpowder in his hand, and
kept scattering it about the ground just as we were passing. Very
unpleasant; though on being analysed by Dr. Nosoff, it turned out
to be only onion-seed. So, at least, Nosoff says. Gunpowder or
not, that so-called onion-seed gave me a shock.

March 4.—Rognons sautes to-day at lunch. Hope there will be
nothing else saute as long as I stay. Don’t like the word, and told
Falutin so. Wish the Emperor would discharge him. Don’t like
that word either—it suggests pistols. At dinner saw Bomhes glacees
written at the end of the menu. The very idea of such a thing
took my appetite away. Couldn’t dine a mite.

March 5. -Tchokimoff explained to me that Falutin, if dis-
missed, would join the Nihilists. and set the place on fire before
leaving. I wonder whether, if I stayed here some time, I could
learn to look upon Gatchina as my home. Of course there is no place
like it. It might get monotonous, though, after a time. My poor
friend, Ckaiiles Kenney, used to say, that he liked “ Home,
Sweet Home ” with variations ; and perhaps he was right.

March 6.—Asked Falutin whether it was difficult to carry on
government of country from place of retreat. Said he should like
to know how it could be carried on from anywhere else ! At Peters-
burgh lots of people waiting to be presented. This General calling
out for the order of St. Anne, that one for the cross of St. George.
Emperor would have to sign ukases and rescripts to appoint Com-
missions, to entertain, and get shot at. Much better here.

March 7. — Colonel Tchokimoff, returning from Petersburgh,
brings news of Nihilist meeting at which value of lies, spies, and
revolvers, as instruments _of political progress, discussed. Besolu-
tion to abandon assassination of individuals, and try agrarian in-
surrection, and the corruption of the masses, adopted by large
ma jority. How does Tchokimoff know F Is he one of them ?

March 8.—Falutin has just made a very interesting discovery.
i One of the scullery-maids is a Panslave.

March 9.—Why should not His Majesty retire from business ?
The empire is still a going concern, and he might hand it over to
a Company. Call it “ The Russian Monarchy (Limited).” The
Grand Duke Constantine could finance it, and Gladstone might be
asked to join the direction. Kothschild, unfortunately, would not
touch it. That business about the Jews has estranged him.
i March 10.—Walked in the park, and met a beggar who had
j somehow got in. What culpable neglect on Tchokimoff’s part!
Falutin gave signal, and Tchokimoff, hurrying out at the head of
his battalion, turned both the enemy’s flanks, and hemmed him in.
In the course of the interrogatory to which he was subjected, beggar
was asked whether he was a Nihilist. Said he thought he must be,

| for he had nothing in his pocket. The Emperor might be glad to
give him a crown !


Wiien the public mind is unduly excited upon the subject of
“ Fires in Theatres,” the excitement is not likely to be allayed by
describing a wooden shed in a tea-garden at St. Petersburgh, as a
“ Bouffe Theatre,” and a second-class music-hall at Marseilles as a
“ Theatre” or a “ Crystal Palace,” because they were destroyed by
fire. Nor is it altogether wise or necessary that two fussy but well-
meaning provincial Members of Parliament, who represent places,
the whole population of which could be put into Covent Garden or
Drury Lane Theatres, should career round the town on a fire-engine,
on a Saturday night, and visit certain theatres and music-halls in
company with half-a-dozen amateur firemen.


A bold peasantry—a country’s pride
If now destroyed, need never be supplied.

The Poet Wilde will probably leave Americaon thearrival of the
Proser Jumbo. Two such great personages could not possibly exist
in the same Continent at the same time. The Yankees, who have
enjoyed the Oscarity of Oscak, will subsequently revel in the
Jumbosity of Jumbo.

The Result of the Gkand National ihy desire of Sir Wilfrid
Lawson).—Seaman and Zoedone placed together, and Eau de Vie

Not Worth the Candle.—“ Moths!"

“ OUK BOTS’ NOVELIST.”—Impoktant Notice.—In answer to impa-
tient inquirers, we have great pleasure in announcng that a new Senal,.
to be completed in three numbers at least, will be eommenced next week.
Tbe delightful Author informs us that as to his “ basis of facis, it is on
the strength of his own personal schoolboyish experience that he has on
this occasion relied.” We confess to mistrusting the use of the word
“ re-lied,” but we do hope that as the Author is the soul of honour and
the embodiment of chivalrv, he is not deceiving us; yet probably his
boyish experience of “re-lying” must have been painful. Still we
believe him; as, if his work is both instructive and amusing, he will reap
the benefit of a considerable crop of Serials.—Ed.
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