Punch: Punch (82.1882)

168

PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHARIVAEI.

[April 8, 1882.

Bars and Notes.

DISCUSSIONS WITHOUT f<: WOKDSA

(To the Editor of Punch.)

Sir,—The frequenter of the Monday Pops, who pays for his ticket,
is frequently repaid with the performance of a piece, say a septet
by Beethoteh, in which he seems to listen to a
musical conversation. Each instrument speaks
in turn, each taking a view, discussion follows,
doubts are courteously mooted, admissions and
explanations are made and given, lines of reason-
ing are wrought out uninterrupted except by
approval, and every interlocutor is heard atten-
tively on to the conclusion of his discourse. The
end of all, or finale, is a general concert consensus,
or agreement of opinion, at which the harmo-
nious party has arrived. Surely, a conversation
capable of being musieally iilustrated as above,
should, however imaginary, be quite possible amongst gentlemen.

Or, here ’s another idea. Just imagine a quintet corresponding to
a conversation between Sir Joshua Reynolds, Mr. Burke, Dr.
Goldsmith, Mr. Boswell, and Dr. Johnson ! I presume the
utterances of Dr. Johnson would be assigned to the double_ bass,
because in chamber-music there is usually no big drum, and it was
only metaphorically that he liked playing first fiddle.

Might not the idea of a musical conversation, the parts therein dis-
tributed as above, Dr. Johnson especially and expressly imper-
sonated in the Double Bass, be reallv well worth trying ? Call the
Op. quintet or other, indeed, Dr. Johnson. Let the Double Bass
preponderate ever so much over the combined power of the other
instruments—all the better. The dogmatic oracular declarations of
the Double Bass would be irresistible. They would even sometimes,
if not often, snatch a grarce beyond the reach of Beethoven, who
never makes you laugh—unless he means to. But Handel is
perhaps rather the master that a musician would now study as a
model for a composition, withDr, Johnson for hero, impersonated in
the Double Bass. Sir ! Thus feebly attempting to utter a Double
Bass note—I remain only Yours truly,

Tweedle Dee.

P.S. Of course musical conversations analogous to the talk of
modern society would take the larger form of the symphony, with
due prominence given to the ophicleides, cornet-a-pistons, and other
brass instruments breaking duly in upon all manner of slow airs and
melodies. We shouldn’t “ have words,” but come at once to blows.

QEUUS DE PAQUES.

Scene — Shop on the Boulevards. transformed for the moment into a
fairy hen-roost. A Panorama of Purchasers.

A Modern Poet (who looksfor all the world like You and Me). No,
decidement, it would look too—what shall I say, suggestive t to pre-
sent one to the Great Man, particularly as I am going to extort a
Preface next week to my new volume, of verse, Les Incomprehensi-
bilites. One to George and one to Jeanne will be the thing. And,
ah! I ’ll have a song-bird in each—touching poetic allusion. Or,
better—[to Shopwoman)—•“ Mademoiselle, you will put an eagle in
one and a linnet in the other.” Eh, mais, I ’ll have it in the papers,
and the Incomprehensibilites will sell twenty copies, at least, this time.

’Arry. Je rtay pas de —whatdoyercallit—de preference, Maddy-
moysel; quelkerchose de—d'expensive. The Missis can’t cut up
rough if I do stop over Monday, when she gets this—but must go to
the Pally Royle for the jewellery.

PrudKomme. I want five, and solid, and ranging from thirteen to
four. Capital invention, the CEufs de Paques utilitaires. Stockings
in the eldest, shoes for the boys, and a pinafore for the youngest.

Mdlle. Nastasie des Declassements Cyniques. Something lite-
rary, Monsieur VEmploye, if you please. It’s for an author, a
Dramatic Author. And something inside that will hint to him
delicately that a part of four lines and a pirouette is not enough for
the most modest ambition. How can you express that ? Oh, put
an inkstand in, with my card: “ Mdlle. Hastasie, Premier Grand
Role —Muet.” They like esprit, those writers.

Mdlle. La Jeunesse. What meanness ! bon-bons in an ivory case !
And thet'e isn’t a giii at the Convent who won’t have pearl earrings
at least! What are Papas coming to ?

M. La Jeunesse. It’s a stupid old-fashioned custom altogether,
and when one ’s uncle gives one an egg with a microscope in it instead
of the cigar-holder, one had a right to expect—malheurj'en suis plus.

A Deputy. Have you got such a thing as an Easter egg—addled ?
It ’s for-

Shopman. M. Gambetta, I know ; but they ’re all sold out.

Gambetta. A Phoenix’s egg is what I want. With a Scrutin-de-
Liste inside.

IMPRESSION DE GAIETY THEAtRE.

{By Ossian Wilderness.)

Yot thine the common Continental art,

That stands on tip-toe like a marionette,

Or bounds in air, half clad in white, or jet,

With ghostly smile that knows not Cupid’s dart.
More wisely didst thou choose the better part
Of neatly-fitting skirts of satinette,

All garnished with white foaming frills, that set
Fancy dietating to my wandering heart.

Sweet new Salome of our English land,

I fain would offer thee a Bradlaugh’s head,

If I could keep my word—take this, thy right,
JOHN-KEATS-like poet of sweet motion, tread
One other poem, and I ’ll clap my hand,

And take another stall to-morrow night.

BIG STOBIES EOR LITTLE HUMANITARIANS.

“ Be always kind to animals wherever you may be ! "—Blderly Lady.
No. III.—WINIFRID AND THE WORM.

Winlfrid saw a long red Worm crawling along the garden-path,
and she straightway took her little spade and cut him into three

pieces, and gleefully
watched the three pieces
wriggling in various
directions. Winifrid’s
Mamma coming up at
this moment with the
other children, was very
angry at this wanton
cruelty, and declared
Winnie shouid be soundly
whipped. But being a
kind and just Mamma,
before executing her
threat she asked her little
girl what she had to say
for herself.

“ I thought,” said Winnie, whose father was aRailway Director,
‘ ‘ that he had such a long train to drag, that he would get on so
much faster and easier if it was divided into three. I ’ll try and
couple them together again.” And then she sobbed as if her little
heart would break. Her Mamma took her on her lap and gathered
her brothers and sisters round, and in her clearest manner explained
the diiference of organisation in railway-trains and worms ; she said
she should not punish Winnie, as she had erred from ignorance.
“ But,” said she, in conclusion, “beware, above all things, my
children, of mistaken kindness.”

SPORT ON THE FIRST!

Last Saturday, “All Fools’ Day,” was everywhere celebrated
with extraordinary festivities. Prince Bisharce: kept his birthday;
though, whatever he may have made himself occasionally, when
causing Mr. Punch to be arrested in Germany, everyone knows that
he is not a born fool.

The French Atheists of course held high festival, and arranged
that, “ to spite the Clericals,” “ nothing but beef and pork should
be allowed ” at their special Good Friday’s banquet. But why
“pork”?

Is “ pork" peculiarly “clerieal” except in England. where,
years ago, it might have represented “ the tithe pig.” However,
may good digestion wait on appetite. At the War Office, Sir Charles
Ellice, sentry on duty, was relieved by Sir Garnet Wolseley,
who, as our “ Only Organiser,” played a lively Military Measure,_to
which both the Duke of Cahbridge and Mr. Childers danced with
every outward sign of gratification and enjoyment.

There were the usual number of Fools in Town, but nothing par-
ticular happened to call for any remark, except “ Oh, you April
Fool! ”

IMPORTANT NOTICE.—We are deepiy sorry to disappoint our readers,
but we are compelled to defer the ti'rst number of the next “ Our Boys'
Novelist ” serial, for at ieast another rveek. It will be entitled “ Wet
Bob ; or, The Adventures of a very little Eton Boy among the Rotwliata
Cannibals.” It is the most exciting thing we ’ve read for some time,
and once put down, it is impossible to take it up again—as some one will
be sure to have walked off with it. Come in your Thousands and order
“ Wet Bob ! ” No extra oharge. The new story may be considered an
really given away!