Punch (82.1882)

172 PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [Atml 16, 1882.

REMARKABLE ROMANCES.

[By a Rambler.)

No. III.-THE IRISH TUNNEL.

It had become evident to all men tliat a submarine tunnel, con-
necting the island ot Great Britain with that of Ireland, was not
merely a luxury but a necessity of everyday international life.
When I say “ all men,” I refer to the dwellers on this side of St.

George’s Channel. In the Green Isle
the scheme evoked, on the contrary,
violent opposition ; and this was per-
haps not much to be marvelled at,
considering that the Home-Eule Par-
liament had just passed three Bills,
one Boycotting the Lokd-Lieutenant
and his successors for ever, a second
authorising every tenant-farmer to pay
no wages to his labourers, and a third
instituting a Land Act for England,
Scotland, and Wales. It was almost
universally felt that the completion of
the Tunnel would re-introduce British
brandy, civil taxation, military op-
pression, and a thousand other ills
under which the land of Parnell and
potatoes had groaned in days gone by.
The new scheme had, however, one
powerful supporter in the person of that great patriot, The O’Fligh.
Possessed of boundless wealth, mainly derived from the fabrication
of “ potheen,” and returned at the General Electionfor ten boroughs
and live counties, The O’Fligh was justly regarded as one of the
chiefest props of the commonweal. Amid the shooting of landlords,
the maiming of eattle, and the annihilation of process-servers, The
O’Eligh had ever maintained adignified, statesmanlike, sympathetic,
and Idibernian attitude. He it was who compared his native country
to “ the Upas-tree which had withered Saxon oppression ; ” his was
the hand which tore the first brick from the walls of Kilmainham
when an enthusiastic mob razed that degraded prison to the ground,
and from him—it was no secret—came the funds which provided
ribbon for the Ribbonmen throughout the length and breadth of the
land. His advocacy of the Channel enterprise excited some surprise.
Not a few men on receipt of the news whispered “ Ochone ! ” and not
a few women sighed “ Alannah! ” but these exclamations did not by
any means turn him from his purpose. The only information he
vouchsafed to inquirers was, ‘ ‘ I am determined to put an end to this
state of things.” It was a dark, enigmatical expression, and when
the President of the United States cabled to inquire its meaning,
the O’Eligh merely replied, “A nod isas goodasawink.” The rest
of the saying he omitted, for though rich he was also economical.

When the share-list came out it appeared that he had subscribed
far more than two-thirds of the capital. As he practically controlled
the subterranean passage, he was consequently chosen Chairman of
the Company. The intelligence entirely did away with any previous
opposition on the part of his countrymen. One universal shout of
I “ Begorra! ” rose up into the blue heavens, and the shooting of six
landlords, together with the general illumination of Dundalk, Port-
arlington, and the Giant’s Causeway, testified to the joy of the Cedt.
It was felt that something great would be developed. Politicians
gravely hinted that when the Tunnel was completed there would be
fear and trembling among the pampered menials of Windsor and
Marlborough House, sportsmen prophesied that the Curragh Races
would be transferred to Epsom, and the Derby be run at Rathcoole,
and among the fair sex there were long vituperative and interesting
debates as to the balls and parties which The O’Fligh would give at
Buckingham Palace, the Mansion House, and the Tower of London.

The constant and continued absences of the great man in the
English Metropolis, were reasonably taken as affording more than
colourable foundation to these surmises. The report of his many
interviews with the “ Sassenach ” Premier, was construed into his
natural desire “ to beard the effete old lion in his Augean den ”—at
least, so a powerful national organ put it.

Meantime, the submarine works went on apace, and it was noticed
with considerable glee, that, by a simple mechanical process, the
tunnel could be flooded from the Irish end at five minutes’ notice,
thus precluding any danger from “invasion.” In fact, such confi-
dence was established, that the Excelsior Irishmen (as the most
pronounced party called themselves) made no secret of severing all
connection with England when the Channel Tunnel should be com-
leted, and of proclaiming The O’Fligh as the President of a new-
orn Republic. The proposed recipient of this honour, however,

I only smiled the emile of the utterly incomprehensible. This excited
! no comment, for such was his custom.

| At last everything was ready—the last bore had bored, the last
drill had drilled, and a spacious subway ran from Kingston to Holy-

head. Then it was that the mighty mind of The O’Fligh asserted
itself. “ Only those wlio are foremost in the cause of Erin's
advancef he announced by advertisement, placard, and handbill,
“ shall first tread the newly-acquired territory. I need scarcely say
I refer to the Excelsior Irishmen. They, as pioneers of their
country' s might, shall have tlie proud privilege of leading the Van of
our Conquering Army.” Here was a scoff to the Saxon abroad, and
a rebuke to the timorous and vaciRating at home!

On the day of the opening of the Channel, the disaffected,
the disloyal, and the disunionists, appeared in thousands at the
entrance, and with cries in complete harmony with their opinions,
disappeared down the shaft. The O’Fligh, like Darius, watched
the procession as it passed and greeted him with shouts of congratu-
lation. “ Ave, Ccesar, morituri te salutant,” he murmured enig-
matically, and many supposed that he was practising himself in the
Celtic Tongue.

Late in the evening there came rumours from those who had gone
in first that a massive iron door closed the English end of the
passage. But this did not prevent the remaining few Excelsiors
from following their brethren. “ Any more for the Channel ? ”
cried The O’Fligh repeatedly, in the voice of a ’bus-cad. There
was no response. Then he silently turned on the flooding apparatus.

The Irish Channel-Tunnel has never since been used, but the Sister
Isle has been distinguished for its peaceful condition. No one even
hurls brickbats at a constable. The only turbulence has been that
of the sea which separates Liverpool from Dublin, and Dublin from
Cork. Otherwise, harmony and the Sovereign have reigned.

There are those who declare that The O’Fligh should never have
been created Duke of Tipperary, or, indeed, have been invited to

settle the Egyptian Question, which he did.

# * * * * *

If, when a man has a story to write, he will read letters about the
Channel Tunnel, eat Welsh rare-bits, and fall asleep, he cannot be
blamed by his Editor. Is not this justice all the world over ?

THE SONG OF THE CIYIL ENGINEER.

[The Duke of Edinburgh said at the dinnerof the Institution of Civil
Engineers, that no soeiety so important existed anywhere throughout the
World.]

Well may they sit and banquet, who show the rule of man,

O’er earth and sea, who with the bridge the rolling waters span,
Who tunnel underneath the sea, who climb like mountaineers,
Who drive the great steam-eagles,—the gallant Engineers.

They combat Nature ’s forces, and earth, and sea, and air,

Find men to bend them to their will who labour everywhere ;
They bring the lightning from the sky to grace our chandeliers,
And plough the furrows of the sea,—the able Engineers.

Then here ’s a health to Armstrong, and each engineering star,
To Fraser of the Woolwich guns, those inighty babes of war :
They civilise in times of peace, and aid when strife appears,

The Titans of our modern times,—our Civil Engineers.

A SALYE FOR BURNS.

At a meeting of the Inverness Town Council, a letter from Lord
Archibald Campbell, suggesting that Scotland should give a
wedding-present to her “ Junior Duke,” Prince Leopold, created
quite a “ scene.” One Gentleman, a Mr. Burns, declared that Lord
Archibald ‘ ‘ had made a fool of himself already, and had tried to
make a fool of the people of Scotland.” It is impossible to sav
whether Mr. Burns is a relative of the celebrated “ Robbie Burns,”
but he might well address the following lines of his great namesake
“ To a Gentleman whom he had offended,” to the object of his
anger :—

“ Mine was the insensate frenzied part,

Ah ! why should I such ‘ scenes ’ outlive !

‘ Scenes ’ so abhorrent to my heart!

’Tis mine to pity and forgive.”

But as the subject which raised Mr. Burns’s ire was, to quote _his
speech, “ in connection with the tartans,” he will probably do nothing
of the sort!

James Kelly got all he deserved for helping in the theft of
Mrs. Besant’s dog. Mr. Cole, counsel for the defence, suggested
that the prisoner was “ only a cat’s-paw.” Pretty powerful cat’s-
paw to snatch away a St. Bernard mastiff, which was returned to
its owner without a scratch. But it was on Mr. Bradlaugh’s
information that James Kelly, who belongs to a family of profes-
sional dog-stealers, was brought to justice. After this there won’t
be a single atheist among the dog-stealers, they’ll all yield. to
their convictions—as Mr. Kelly has been compelled to do to his—
become confirmed dogmatists, learn the Catechism, and vote against
Mr. Bradlaugh’s admission into Parliament.