Punch: Punch (82.1882)

190

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. [April 22, 1882.

STREET DIALOGITE.

PUNChUS FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 80.

OIL, BRITANNIA!

Scene —Nnutral Ground be-
tween the Lyceurn and the
Gaiety Stage-Door. Enter
Mr. H. Iryen'g from Box-
Offi.ce. To him Mr. Ed.
Terry.

Mr. Terry. Oh, I want to
know,—a man broiight me a
iarce whieh he said. his grand.-
father had commenced, his
father had continued, and his
j son had iinished. I refused
it. Then he read it to you,
and you accepted it. Why ?

Mr. Irving. 'W’ell, as three
generations had been engaged
on it, I took it as he read it,
Terry.

\_Exit up Wellington Street.

Mr. Terry. Oh ! Ah ! I
see,—he-red-itary. I ’ll tell
Reece. [Returns to Gaiety.

The Publishers of Colonel
BtjRjfADY’s latest work state
j that it includes the descrip-
tiou of a ballooning adventure
“ in which an aerial machine
burst with the Author when
at an elevation of 2,000 feet,
one in a tire balloon, &c., and
his views on the Channel
Tunnel Scheme, &c.” If the
Author burst when at an
elevation of 2,000 feet, his
: “views on tbe Channel Tun-
nel Scheme, &c.” must be well
worth reading.

Question. Where would Mr.
Irying go if he wanted to Star
in the Provinces ?

Answer (by a Dorsetshire
Billiard Marker). If he want-
ed to Star, he would go and
play at Poole.

Iu

SIR DONALD CURRIE.

CONSEQUENCE OF THE DISTIN GTJTSHED SERVICES OF THE GrANTULLY

Castle as a Transport of the Military, or a Transport of Joy
(vvith the Premier in it), his fit and proper Title should havb
BEEN “ SlR DoNALD FeTCH-AND-CuRRIE.”

This is an age of new ver-
sions of everything, and pro-
bably Mr. Shield’s method of
stilling the waves bv means
of oil, will lead to our having
a fresh version of ‘ ‘ Ttide,
Britannia ! ”

When Britons first the Eng-
lish Channel crossed,

And suffered much from
mal de mer,

And suffered, suffered much
from mal de mer !

Each was a Martyr, a Martyr
muchly tossed,

Till Mr. Shield did sing
this air—

Oil, Britannia! Britannia, oil
the waves!

Britons never, never, never
will be slaves! !

Disclaimer. — Toby — our
Toby—wishes to inform the
public that he is in no way
related to a brute of the same
name who was recently com-
mitted for trial for having
kicked his wife on the head,—
“ his boots on at the time,”—
after nearly breaking her jaw,
and having some time before
“twisted her arm round, and
put her shoulder out of joint.”
Toby adds that a l)og is
incapable of such atrocities.
Quite true.

Mr. Hora has been elected
Chairman of the Epping
Forest’s Committee charged.
with the arrangements for re-
ceiving the May Queen. Most
appropriate name: an example
of “ The Hour and the Man.”
As the Dulce Domum song
has it: “ Venit Llora Absque
mord Tempus est hidendi.”

“SA MAJESTE LE LOR MAIEE DE PARISV

[Rcgulations compiled from the English by the best French Authorities.)

Costume.— Grand Tenue. Crown, sceptre, sword, gold and silver
robe decorated with precious stones, top-boots, spurs, coat of Knight
of the Garter. Petit Tenue—The same, but without crown. At home
His Majesty may wear the uniform of aBritish Eield-Marshal.

Powers.—Able to order the exeeution of everyone up to the rank
of Major-General. Can banish the Presidents of the Senate and
Council to Cayenne, and depose the President of the Republic. Has
a right to make treaties with the Crowned Heads of Europe. Per-
mitted to give “ the shake hand ” to the Lord Mayor of London.

Duties.—To dine four times a day on “ Turtle-Soope ” and
“Whiske Ponche.” To ride once a week in the Bois, surrounded
by his body-guard, the “ Royal Parc-Keeperes. To entertain the
whole world. at the Hotel de Ville with a “loving cup ” of “ gin-
beer” and “todde.” Never to leave France when the President of
the Republic is absent. To head the Army when war is declared,
and to win victories with the French Fleet.

Privileges.—To dance with the Queen of Spain. To marry the
daughter of the Lord Mayor of London. To sell his wife at Smithfield.
To wear his crown in the presence of Royalty, and to exclaim “ Oh
by Jove ! Rosbif !—dam! ” when dining with the Prince of Wales.

Salary.—Twenty-five thousand million francs a week.

Miscellaneous Pights, Advantages, &c.—To have the power of
inspecting the Pompiers on Easter Sunday. To occupy the whole of
the grand tier at the Opera on a Patti night. To have a free pass
to “ behind the scenes” at the Bouffes. To have the Boulevards
BTuminated when he goes out to dinner. Fireworks to be let off in
every town in France on the occasion of his birthday, and, when he
dies, to have the privilege of being buried in the Invalides, the Pan-
theon, and Notre Dame simultaneously.

CONTEMPT OF COURT.

Law is the perfection of human reason. This being so, the fact
that the Law has to be altered every Session of Parliament can only
excite surprise in exceedingly ill-regulated minds. Some years ago
the law of imprisonment for debt was abolished. It was wisely
argued that clapping a man into prison was the very means of pre-
venting him earning any money for his creditors or himself. In those
bad old days did a man outrun the constable, he was placed in the
Fleet or the Queen’s Bench, whereheled an idle, dissipated, rackety
sort of life ; he could entertain his friends ; he could subsist as well
as his means allowed ; he could render existence fairly tolerable—
nay, comfortable, to a man of sedentary habits.

All this was abolished. There is now no imprisonment for debt—
at least you have to show cause why you shouldn’t be imprisoned for
five weeks, or, if you can pay and won’t pay, till you ’re made to
pay. But men still are foolish enough to owe money. If they do
not pay, they are guilty of contempt of Court._ There is now no
imprisonment for debt, but any man who is guilty of contempt of
Court, maybe sent to certain of Her Majesty’s Gaols, there to purge
himself of his offence. While in gaol he arises at six, makes his bed,
cleans his cell and a portion of gaol corridor. His fare is the prison
fare, but he is allowed half a pint of beer or wine daily._ He may
not see two friends at a time, and what friend he sees is through
gratings, and in the presence of a Warder. His letters, both in-
coming and out-going, are read by the Governor of the Gaol. The
gas in his cell is turned out at nine.

Let us be thankful that imprisonment for debt is abolished.

Mrs. Ramsbotham has some very valuable jewellery._ “ One
brooch,” she says, “ is most precious, as associated with Biblical His-
tory, for it came from Palestine, and is made of a solid Amalekite.”