DOI Heft:
June 10, 1882
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17752#0282
276
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[June 10, 1882.
MATERIA MEDICA,
American Physician (to English Ditto). “ How in Yienna they ’re
FIRST-RATE AT DlAGNOSIS ; BUT THEN, YOU SEE, THEY ALWAYS
MAKE A POINT OF CONFIRMING IT BY A POST-MORTEM !
A HANDBOOK TO KNOWLEDGE.
No. IY.—The Waiter.
Q. What is a Waiter ?
A. An Attendant tor whom one has to wait.
Q. Was that the original meaning of the word ?
A. No ;• it originally signified one who waited upon others. But
that sense of the word is almost obsolete.
Q. How is this singular inversion to be accounted for ?
A. In many ways. Among contributing causes may he men-
tioned
1. The spread of that particular sense of dignity which mani-
fests itself in cold ahstraction of gaze and lofty indifference
of demeanour.
2. The growing interest in that which used to be described as
“ the sport of Kings,” hut may now better he described as
the chief business of Waiters-viz., horse-racing.
3. The fascinations of female converse.
4. The exigenees of the toilet, more partieularly in respect of
moustaches and finger-nails.
Q. What is commonly the first effect of ealling a Waiter ?
A. 1 nstantaneous development, of stone-deafness on his part.
Q. How is this singularly sudden afEUction manifested ?
A. By his gazing at you with an expression of tranced immobility,
or turning his back upon you and solicitously folding a super-
numerary serviette into tbe shape of a cocked hat, or fleur-de-lis.
Q. If you raise your voice, what follows ?
A. His rapid retreat to the farther end of the apartment.
Q. On what errand ?
A. None.
Q. What should be the would-be diner’s next proceeding ?
A. That depends upon his physical gifts. If he should happen to
possess an unusually powerful voiqe, an imperative and staccato
summons, several times repeated. may, eventually, bring the errant
one slowly and reluctantly to his elbow. If his vocal powers are
small, or should he object to public declamation, his only course is to
wait patiently until the Waiter chances to be strolling again in his
direction.
Q. When again within vocal range, what is usually the Waiter’s
next proceeding ?
A. To blow down the back of your neck ?
Q. What is the reason of this action ?
A. Research has not yet discovered whether it is a mystic pro-
fessional rite, or a subtle form of vengeance.
Q. But what if you remonstrate against this annoyance ?
A. He does it again, under cover of an apology.
Qx Are all Waiters subjeet to this disorder ?
A. Not in this precise form. Some simply snort at you, others
whisper confidentially and odorously in your ear ; others, again, kick
the legs of your chair, or ruffle your back-hair with their elbows or
table-napkins ; but all these are shrewdly supposed to be varied
symptoms of the same disorder, “a malady most incident to ”—
Waiters, the roots of which are to be found in elumsiness combined
with self-conceit.
Q. What is the Waiter’s next proceeding ?
A. To perform the ceremony known as “ taking your orders.”
Q. In what does this consist ?
A. Mainly in prolonged interrogation and ingenious miscon-
struction.
Q. Explain this.
A. No self-respecting Waiter will grasp the meaning of your
commands without many repetitions of his shibboleths, “ Hay, Sir ?”
and “ Wotsy, Sir ? ” or having—apparently- grasped that meaning,
carry them out without such modifications and perversions as com-
mend themselves to his independent judgment or his sense of
humour.
Q. Having approximately realised your desires, what does he
next proceed to do ?
A. Bring you what you have—or have not—called for, in instal-
ments, at intervals as long as possible, taking care, for example,
that the potatoes shall by no means accompany the meat, and that
the peas shall not come until the potatoes are cold.
Q. What does he do during these intervals ?
A. This is a mystery that cannot be solved with certainty. It has,
however, been conjectured that he may occupy the time in composing
epies, or travelling in foreign parts.
Q. What other specialities of the craft can you mention?
A. There are many, including those common to the class, and
those peculiar to the individual. The Hotel Waiter, the Restaurant f
Waiter, and the Waiter at public dinners have, each of them,
peculiarities, manners, and manceuvres of their own. There is the
stolid and stony Waiter, afflicted with chronic stiff neck, who
obeys your behests resentfully and under protest, suggestive of his
being a high-minded Seraph in temporary subjection to a purse-
proud Philistine. There is also the effusively confidential Waiter,
who hovers about you like an affable bluebottle, softly buzzing
gratuitous advice into your ears, strongly counselling you to refrain
from the dish of your choice, and pertinaciously urging you to “ try
jest a leetle bit of”whatever you have deeided to pass. Again.
there is that highly obnoxious Waiter—common at public dinners—
who comes round to you towards the end of the repast, and interrupts
the conversation between you and your neighbour, to ask in a
severely tip-suggestive manner, if “ there is anythink more as he can
do for you, as he is hoff.” But perhaps the most unpleasant pecu-
liarities of Waiters come out in connection with the heavy ordeal
known as “ Settling.”
Q. Mention some of the salient peculiarities of this proeess.
A. There being no fixed rule in the matter, you never know whom
you are to pay—the Waiter who has attended you, or some other
solid and superior personage summoned specially for the purpose.
In the former case the Waiter will most probably affect shortness of
memory, and question you closely as to “ Wot you ’ve ’ad, Sir,”
correcting you sharply, however, in case of lapse or error on your
part. He will probably also persist in shouting aloud the prices of
the several items and the amount of the total, especially if you have
a companion whom you do not wish to be informed on these points.
In the latter case, you are suhject to a stern and suspicious cross-
examination, which inspires you with a passionate desire to make
lethal use of the water-bottle. Finally, there is the great “tip”-
torture.
Q. What is a “ tip ” ?
A. An undefined quantity of coin of the realm, bestowed, by
voluntary compulsion, upon one Waiter for doing his offiee badly;.
upon another for not doing any office at all, or—as is more commonly
the case—upon both ; producing in vou a sense of being abominably
“ done,” and in the Waiter, or Waiters, ingeniously-varied ex-
pressions of dissatisfaction, derision, and disgust.
Some of the Egyptians profess great admiration for Mr. GtLAH-
stone, as they have heard that when axe in hand he is such a f'ellah!
PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
[June 10, 1882.
MATERIA MEDICA,
American Physician (to English Ditto). “ How in Yienna they ’re
FIRST-RATE AT DlAGNOSIS ; BUT THEN, YOU SEE, THEY ALWAYS
MAKE A POINT OF CONFIRMING IT BY A POST-MORTEM !
A HANDBOOK TO KNOWLEDGE.
No. IY.—The Waiter.
Q. What is a Waiter ?
A. An Attendant tor whom one has to wait.
Q. Was that the original meaning of the word ?
A. No ;• it originally signified one who waited upon others. But
that sense of the word is almost obsolete.
Q. How is this singular inversion to be accounted for ?
A. In many ways. Among contributing causes may he men-
tioned
1. The spread of that particular sense of dignity which mani-
fests itself in cold ahstraction of gaze and lofty indifference
of demeanour.
2. The growing interest in that which used to be described as
“ the sport of Kings,” hut may now better he described as
the chief business of Waiters-viz., horse-racing.
3. The fascinations of female converse.
4. The exigenees of the toilet, more partieularly in respect of
moustaches and finger-nails.
Q. What is commonly the first effect of ealling a Waiter ?
A. 1 nstantaneous development, of stone-deafness on his part.
Q. How is this singularly sudden afEUction manifested ?
A. By his gazing at you with an expression of tranced immobility,
or turning his back upon you and solicitously folding a super-
numerary serviette into tbe shape of a cocked hat, or fleur-de-lis.
Q. If you raise your voice, what follows ?
A. His rapid retreat to the farther end of the apartment.
Q. On what errand ?
A. None.
Q. What should be the would-be diner’s next proceeding ?
A. That depends upon his physical gifts. If he should happen to
possess an unusually powerful voiqe, an imperative and staccato
summons, several times repeated. may, eventually, bring the errant
one slowly and reluctantly to his elbow. If his vocal powers are
small, or should he object to public declamation, his only course is to
wait patiently until the Waiter chances to be strolling again in his
direction.
Q. When again within vocal range, what is usually the Waiter’s
next proceeding ?
A. To blow down the back of your neck ?
Q. What is the reason of this action ?
A. Research has not yet discovered whether it is a mystic pro-
fessional rite, or a subtle form of vengeance.
Q. But what if you remonstrate against this annoyance ?
A. He does it again, under cover of an apology.
Qx Are all Waiters subjeet to this disorder ?
A. Not in this precise form. Some simply snort at you, others
whisper confidentially and odorously in your ear ; others, again, kick
the legs of your chair, or ruffle your back-hair with their elbows or
table-napkins ; but all these are shrewdly supposed to be varied
symptoms of the same disorder, “a malady most incident to ”—
Waiters, the roots of which are to be found in elumsiness combined
with self-conceit.
Q. What is the Waiter’s next proceeding ?
A. To perform the ceremony known as “ taking your orders.”
Q. In what does this consist ?
A. Mainly in prolonged interrogation and ingenious miscon-
struction.
Q. Explain this.
A. No self-respecting Waiter will grasp the meaning of your
commands without many repetitions of his shibboleths, “ Hay, Sir ?”
and “ Wotsy, Sir ? ” or having—apparently- grasped that meaning,
carry them out without such modifications and perversions as com-
mend themselves to his independent judgment or his sense of
humour.
Q. Having approximately realised your desires, what does he
next proceed to do ?
A. Bring you what you have—or have not—called for, in instal-
ments, at intervals as long as possible, taking care, for example,
that the potatoes shall by no means accompany the meat, and that
the peas shall not come until the potatoes are cold.
Q. What does he do during these intervals ?
A. This is a mystery that cannot be solved with certainty. It has,
however, been conjectured that he may occupy the time in composing
epies, or travelling in foreign parts.
Q. What other specialities of the craft can you mention?
A. There are many, including those common to the class, and
those peculiar to the individual. The Hotel Waiter, the Restaurant f
Waiter, and the Waiter at public dinners have, each of them,
peculiarities, manners, and manceuvres of their own. There is the
stolid and stony Waiter, afflicted with chronic stiff neck, who
obeys your behests resentfully and under protest, suggestive of his
being a high-minded Seraph in temporary subjection to a purse-
proud Philistine. There is also the effusively confidential Waiter,
who hovers about you like an affable bluebottle, softly buzzing
gratuitous advice into your ears, strongly counselling you to refrain
from the dish of your choice, and pertinaciously urging you to “ try
jest a leetle bit of”whatever you have deeided to pass. Again.
there is that highly obnoxious Waiter—common at public dinners—
who comes round to you towards the end of the repast, and interrupts
the conversation between you and your neighbour, to ask in a
severely tip-suggestive manner, if “ there is anythink more as he can
do for you, as he is hoff.” But perhaps the most unpleasant pecu-
liarities of Waiters come out in connection with the heavy ordeal
known as “ Settling.”
Q. Mention some of the salient peculiarities of this proeess.
A. There being no fixed rule in the matter, you never know whom
you are to pay—the Waiter who has attended you, or some other
solid and superior personage summoned specially for the purpose.
In the former case the Waiter will most probably affect shortness of
memory, and question you closely as to “ Wot you ’ve ’ad, Sir,”
correcting you sharply, however, in case of lapse or error on your
part. He will probably also persist in shouting aloud the prices of
the several items and the amount of the total, especially if you have
a companion whom you do not wish to be informed on these points.
In the latter case, you are suhject to a stern and suspicious cross-
examination, which inspires you with a passionate desire to make
lethal use of the water-bottle. Finally, there is the great “tip”-
torture.
Q. What is a “ tip ” ?
A. An undefined quantity of coin of the realm, bestowed, by
voluntary compulsion, upon one Waiter for doing his offiee badly;.
upon another for not doing any office at all, or—as is more commonly
the case—upon both ; producing in vou a sense of being abominably
“ done,” and in the Waiter, or Waiters, ingeniously-varied ex-
pressions of dissatisfaction, derision, and disgust.
Some of the Egyptians profess great admiration for Mr. GtLAH-
stone, as they have heard that when axe in hand he is such a f'ellah!