Punch (82.1882)

Januaby 14, 1882.]

PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.

13

OLD MASTERS.”

Flemish Eull, after Faul Potter."—(Frorn the Colledion of Mr. Punch.

PUN TOR TOMMY’S HOLIDAYS.

The Humorous Ancestors.—This is a very simple but diverting
experiment. A fine old Englisb country mansion being selected—
care being taken tbat tbe cboice fall on one to wbicb a ricb and noted
gallery of bistoric and family portraits is attacbed—the manipulator,
taking advantage of a wet afternoon, and provided witb a couple of
good-sized cans containing, respectively, tbick white and vermilion
paint, commences bis operations. Rapidly and grotesquely as pos-
sible be supplies every figure in tbe ancestral colleetion, from tbe
-Conquest downwards, witb tbe broad facial characteristics of the
ordinary Pantomime Christmas Clown. When the above is neatly
■carried out, as it sbould be, witb Wharton’s Quick-Drying Inde-
structihle Permanent Enamel Paint, and on the oecasion of some
large and festive county gatbering, the surprise and merriment
created by tbis xAeasing jeu d’esprit seldom fail to lend an unex-
pected eclat to tbe whole entertainment, tbe head of the family being
at last obliged to confess, in answer to much good-tempered bauter,
tbat be is descended from unmistakably humorous Ancestors.

The Hesitating Bridal Party.—Notbing is required for this
pleasing and elegant lit.tle experiment but about two gallons of cod-
liver oil—tbe coarsest kind will do—and about half a bushel of tbe
popular medicine known as Eno’s Fruit Salt. Half-a-dozen cbam-
pagne-bottles being previously filled witb tbese materials carefully
mingled, and neatly corked and wired in tbe usual fashion, are
handed to the butler at tbe last moment, witb particular instructions
that tbey contain “ a choice and special brand of wine,” tbat is to be
reserved solely for tbe drinking of tbe healtb of tbe happy pair. On
tbe toast being given witb “ tbree times tbree,” and tbe glasses
duly cbarged witb the compound, whicb in colour and effervescence
^strongly resembles a ricb fruity and creaming wine of a high charac-
ter, tbe guests, mucb to tbe astonisbment of tbe host, wbose glass
has been secretly filled witb real cbampagne at tbirty shillings
a dozen, appear to accord it the usual honours somewhat half-
heartedly ; and wben tbe next toast is proposed, and tbere is a fresb
call to “ charge glasses,” tbe wbole bridal party unanimously assume
an air of amusing hesitation.

The Insupportable Professor.—Being assured tbat at a musical “ at

bome ” the cbief feature of tbe evening will be tbe performance of a
celebrated German Professor on tbe drawing-room grand, which is to
be specially reserved for bim, place carefully under eacb of the
patent dampers one of Blaker’s Self-exploding Detonating Blasting
Caps, and arrange a five-hundred-ccll Gramme battery in connection
with tbe key-board and music-stool. Your piano is now ready. On
tbe Professor taking bis seat at tbe instrument, bis first flourish on
tbe keys not only causes a series of deafening explosions, but, bis
contact completing the electric cireuit, forces bim to utter a sharp
yell of surprise on experiencing tbe violent shock. As every time
be touches a note, tbis entertaining experience is repeated witb in-
creasing intensity, tbe Professor, by universal consent, soon be-
comes insupportable.

The Revolving Grandpapa.—Tbis amusing surprise is again prac-
tisedwitb happiest effect in a comfortable, well-ordered country house.
It having been ascertained that “ Grandpapa ” bas been put up in
the bestguest’s bed-room, containing a bandsome old-fashioned four
post bedstead, a bole is bored tbrougb tbe ceiling, and from tbe
chamber above, four stout ship’s ropes are passed tbrougb the aperture
and securely fixed respectively to the top of the four pillars of tbe
bedstead beneath. This once effected, tbe whole afternoon sbould be
spent in twisting tbem tigbter and tigbter into a firm coil, wbicb
should be eventually made fast to a moveable, but massive beam.
Tbe bour for retiring to rest arriving, the fact that tbe venerable
occupant of the bed bas put out bis candle and comfortably settled
bimself for tbe night, should be carefully ascertained. Tbe operator
being assured of this, now suddenly raises tbe beam on to twocbairs
in the cbamber above; wben the bed, being also raised, is released
from its hold on tbe floor, and begins to spin round and round
violently on its axis. In a very few seconds the wbole household,
summoned by his shouting, will rusb to the room, and to tbeir
infinite merriment find Grandpapa rapidly revolving.

*** To “Master Tommy,” who has written to us, enclosing stamps, and
asked us whether the li'tle volume to which we incidentally referred, A
Hundred Ways of makxng TJncle Jump, will be equally available for
“ Aunty,” we reply, “ Certainly—nothing could be better. Try it.” N.B.—
We also recommend to “Master Tommy s ” notice Hysterics Made Easy,
an excellent little work, thnt, in dealing with his elderly female relatives,
“ Master Tommy ” will find quite invaluable.