Punch: Punch (82.1882)

May 20, 1882.] PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVAKL

239

MADRIGAL IN MAY.

(Bya Very-Much- Married Man.)

Lilacs are out, but I ’m kept
iu;

Tbe iaud ’s all glow and
glee;

What ’s that to me who have
no “ tin,”

Nor even a latch-key ?

Lambkins may gambol, I may
not,

All lamb-like as I am.

What! Spring, shut up at
home ? Sheer rot!

May without larks ? A
ilam!

My wife at her piano, gay,

Spring chansonnettes may
chant;

[ know “ It is not always May’
i It ’s generally “ Sha'an't! ”

An artiele in TJnited Ireland
Land League organ) seems
•ather to illustrate the saying
shat comparisons are odious: —

“ The toads are the gang of alien
>ffieial$ who nestle in the snug-
ceries of the Castle, like as many
isps in the bosom of the country.”

So asps and toads infest
creland still, in spite of St.
Patrick. And fancy the toads
dl nestling like so many
isps! How do they manage
t? The frog in the fable
r'ailed in endeavouring to
ittain the dimmsions of the
>x. But in United Ireland
:he toads and the asps, de-
scribed as nestling together,
io certainly appear to consti-
.ute something very like a
>ull. Itemarkable, that
Land-Leaguers who love
Irish-stew should hate toad-
. n-the-hole !

PUNCH'S FANCY PORTRAITS.-No. 84.

PROFESSOR BARFF,

Member for Boro-Glyceride. Our Preserver !

CROWNER’S OUEST
CAUSATION.

Dueing a recent hurricane
a chimney-shaft at Rother-
hithe was blown down. Con-
sequence, an Inquest. Parish
Vestry Surveyor deposed that
he had examined ruined
chimney since the accident
and found it defective, and
liable to condemnation under
the Metropolitan Buildings
Act—like half the buildings
of Rotherhithe. Coroner
“ thought with such an extra-
ordinary gale the jury could
only regard the occurrence as
directly attributable to Provi-
dence.” Sic. But, unless a
misprint, “ Providence ” was
evidently a slip of the tongue.
Of course the “ Crowner ”

’ meant to say “ Improvi-
jdence.” Metropolitan Board
j of Woi’ks, please note.

HOHAGE TO HIGH ART. j

The suecess attendant on
the production of the Nibel- ;
ung's Ring may be expected
to procure Ilerr Wagner’s
Tetralogy the compliment of
a comic version, entitled the
Nibelung's Knoch.

Mrs. Ramsbothah on a

CERTAIN, OR A TRIFLE UN-
CERTAIN, NoBLEHAN.—“ Ah,
poor dear Gentleman, they
may say what they like of j
him. but nobody c-an doubt
his Accept-a-bill-ity.”

A “ Modus Vivendi.” —
Cat-and-dog life.

A HANDBOOK TO KNOWLEDGE.

No. II.—The Hansom.

Q. Aud what is the Hansom Cab ?

A. It may be3t be descri bed as a Practical Joke upon two wheels.

Q. Is it not also called a Safety Cab ?— A. It is.

Q. _Why ?—A. Oa the lucus a non lucendo principle, because
diere i-* nothinv safe about it.

Q. II as the Hansom auy merits peculiar to itself ?

A. Mauy—from the practical -joke point of view, whieh must be
ualerst.ood as ruling everything counected with this vehicle.

Q. IIow do you enter a Hansom ?

A. From a position immediately in front of the wheel, by stepping
on to a slippery footboard of conside rable height, and with nothing
but the splash-board to hold on to.

Q. What are the advantages of this arrangement ?
t A. First, that your garments will almost certainly get muddied.
Secondlv, that your person will most probably be bruised.

Q. Why the latter ?—A. The driver of a Hansom (who never
dismounts if he can help it, save to drink) has, from his position but
little control over the movements of his animal; Hansom cab-horses
are peculiarly given to starts, jerks, and bolts, and a man with one
foot on the kerb and the other on a slipperv footboard, whom the
slightest movement throws against the wheel, or precipitates into
the vehicle, is fortunate indeed. if he escapes contusion.

Q. Oace mounted, however, is all well ?

A. By no mea.ns. In the iirst place you have to open the folding
doors of the vehicle yourself, which, on a narrow footboard, and with
a lidgety horse, is an operation of much difficulty and some danger.
A stout gentleman of uncertain nerve, with an umbrella in one hand
and a parcel in the other, precariously balanced on one leg, his hat
entangled in the trailing reins, essaying, in a driving shower, to open
the “ sticking ” doors of a dancing cab, is a very amusing spectacle
—from the Hansom Cab point of view.

Q. In whose interest are these little arrangements made ?

A. Presumably in that of cynical humorists—and the hatter’s ; as
your hat must suffer from the reins from the ill-fitting window, or
from the jerky driving.

Q. Describe the interior arrangements of a Hansom.

A. A Hansom is at once so confined and so exposed a vehicle that
it can hardly in strictness be said to have an interior. The two
“fares” which constitute its licensed complement, are crammed
together in narrow compass on an uncomfortable _ seat. If the
weather be dry, the cushion will be dusty ; if it rain, the cushion
will be damp, giving a choice between dirt and rheumatism. If thf j
window be left up, the Jehu’s long-tailed whip will ilourish and flicb j
about your face, to the considerable danger of your eyesight; if it bf !
let. down, it will probably damage your nose or your hat in its descent.
When down, it will somehow keep out the fresh air, whilst allowing
the rain to drive into your eyes or trickle on to your lap. When the
horse falls, the doors will fly open, and you be shot forward againsi
the window (if down), or the footboard. When you alight, the perils
of getting in are repeated in an aggravatcd form. It will be seen
how all these facts justify the title of “ Safety Cab ” bestowed upon
the vehicle.

Q. And how do you communicate with the driver of a Hansom ?

A. You can only do so either by using your umbrella as a sort of
semaphore, or by howling through a, small trap in the roof, which
you may or may not be able to open, according as the driver’s many
wraps, or his newspaper may or may not happen to be over it.

Q. Is it not within the resources of Civilisation to improve the
construction and management of the British Cab ?

A. Possibly. Indeed slight spasmodic efforts in that direction
have been made from time to time, chiefiy by the introduction oi
such small and not absolutely essential fittings as looking-glasses
and ash-trays. But substantial and general improvement seems at
present beyond the effort of invention, the hope of the public, or the
purview of the official mind.