DOI Heft:
June 3, 1882
DOI Seite / Zitierlink: https://doi.org/10.11588/diglit.17752#0270
264
PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHAPIVAKl.
[•June 3, 1882,
An appalling sight met their gaze.
With her hands fastened to an iron bolt, the
staple commodity of the apartment, the fair
Ptrkussian was hanging in awiul suspense.
A dark figure in a pot hat and Eton jacket
stood before her.
In one hand it held a gleaming yat-agan.
In the other a ladle of boiling lead.
The three boys at once recognised their
college chum.
It was Hadji NtrPE!
CHAP. IY.
IN THE TORTURE CHAMBER.
A further. glance disclosed to the three
boys the appalling character of the scene be-
fore them. About the chamber they now
noticed a score of savages.
“The Hotwhata Cannibals! ” they whis-
pered to each other.
These last were characteristically occupied.
Some were sharpening tattooing needles,
and designing patterns on each other’s
frames. It was crewel work, but they did
not seem to mind it.
They rightly conjectured they were in the
ITnderground Torture Chamber.
Bob saw that if a rescue was to be at-
tempted, no time was to be lost. He con-
sidered his whereabouts. “This,”he said,
“must he the Round Tower. Then I have
only got to square the sentiuel.”
To rush up a secret staircase to the battle-
ments, descend with a loaded thirty-six
pounder, and hokl a lighted match to the
touch-hole, was but the work of a few
seconds.
The fair Perkussian shrieked with horror.
Bob had scarcely applied the match to the
touch-hole, when, as if by magic, a dusky
oriental figure bounded through the tapestry,
and interposed himself between the line of
sight, and the now trembling form of Hadji
Nuff. At the same instant, the thirty-six
pounder went off with a loud report, but the
new-comer, executing a dexterous pirouette
on one leg, caught the ball in his left, hand.
“ Who, and what are you ? ” asked Bob,
greeting the curious feat with a hearty
“ Encore ! ”
“ I am,” replied the stranger, “the Persian
Ambassador at the Court of St. James’s, and
I am the maternal uncle of Hadji Nuff.”
“ Then you must be-? ”
“ You are right. I am Hatchu Hutch ! ”
(To be continued.)
A HANDBOOK TO KNOWLEDGE.
No. III.—The Streets of London.
Q. What is a Street ?
A. A Street is a thoroughfare designed for the recreation of
roughs, the diversions of Yestries, Gas Companies and Boards of
Works, and the amusement of Advertisers.
Q. Are no other sections of the public possessed of rights and
interests in our Streets ?
A. Secondarily and upon sufferance perhaps; but their claims
are quite subordinate to those of the classes first specihed.
Q. Are there not various sorts of Streets ?
A. Many.
Q. How would you classify them ?
A. No known principle of classihcation would apply to them in
their entirety, but several kinds of Streets may be named, e.g.
1. The Street which is never repaired, and is therefore always
impassable.
2. The Street which is always being repaired, and is therefore
always equally impassable.
3. The Street which leads nowhere.
4. The Street which always leads back into itself again.
5. The Street which leads to a Market or a Railway Station,
which many desire to approach, and which consequently is
always blocked and beastly.
6. The Street with so narrow a footway that a wayfarer adven-
turing therein is exposed always to inevita'ble dirt, and
generally to imminent danger.
7. The Street whose footway is always so crowded by costers,
roughs, and loiterers, that the wayfarer who would make
progress is compelled to walk in the gutter.
8. The Street of exceeding narrowness, into which Cahmen from
all quarters will continually and eagerly converge, as a
“ short cut,” remaining there blocked many minutes in the
vain but inveterate hope of saving one.
9. The Street where the Shopkeepers bestrew the bulk of their
wares on the pavement, or on poles, &c., outside their shops,
so that you are likely to have your hat dislodged by a flap-
ping carpet, or to stumble over a coalscuttle or a pile of
crockery.
10. The Street which is a sort of unchartered Alsatia, and given
up wholly to drunken women and roughs.
11. The Street which is all oyster-shells and dirty children.
12. The Street whieh is no Street at all, but onlj^ a noisome cul-
de-sac, beginning with a beerhouse, and ending in a dust-
heap.
Q. How do you account for these several specialities of our
Streets ?
A. They are the result of the varied and uncontrolled humours of
the irresponsible wags—called Builders, Contractors, Road-makers,
Municinal and Parochial Boards, Constables, &c., &c.—who are
cha.rged with their construction, supervision, a.nd guardianship.
Q. What would you consider to be the most general and striking
characteristic of a London Street ?
A. Dirtiness.
Q. Are any provisions made for the cleansing of our thorough-
fares ?
A. Many very expensive ones.
Q. How are these applied ?
A. Either quite capriciously, or upon the principle of heing least
used when most needed, and vice versd.
Q. Mention some of the results of this svstem.
A. That, in fine weather, one Street will be as dry and dusty as
Sahara, the next as swamped and sloppy as a fish-market. That, in
wet weather, most Streets are Malebolges of mud, in one or other of
its two conditions of glut.inous slime and gruelly slop. That, after a
heavy snow-storm, a London thoroughfare furnishes worse travelling
than a Yorkshire Moor in midwinter.
Q. Next to their dirtiness, what should you say was the most
obvious peculiarity of London Streets ?
A. The frequency with which they are “up.”
Q. What do you mean by a Street being “ up ” ?
A. It is the term colloquially applied to that condition of tumul-
tuous and perilous chaos caused. by the operations of paving, drain-
age, and the laying or repairing of gas and water mains.
Q. What appearance does a Street present in these circumstances?
A. That of a combination of Builders’-yard, Cemetery, and
Gravel-pit, which has been subjected to the action of a local
earthquake.
Q. On what principle are these various operations performed by
the several bodies responsible for their execution ?
A. On the principle of “ One down and t’other come on,” with a
view, apparently, to making the condition of chaos as chronic as
possible. When, for example, the road or footways are not being
repaired, the sewers or the gas and water-pipes are. And, again,
when one Metropolitan Bridge is “ up” upon one pretext, it is care-
fully arranged that one other Bridge shall also be “ up ” on another.
Q. What further strikes you as regards our London Streets ?
A. The extent to which the London “ Rough ” monopolises their
advantages, and subordiuates the convenience, cbmfort, and even
safety of the General Publie to his own profit and amusement.
Q. In what does his proht consist ?
A. In violently appropriating the property of the Public.
Q. And his amusement, ?
A. In annoviog the Public by all the devices of lumbering
obstruction, foul language, and brutal horseplay.
Q. Is no provision made against his too free indulgence in these
enjoy^ments ?
A. The Police are—by some gentle optimists— supposed to “ keep
an eye” on him. But that “ere” being generally very “far”
indeed, and, when “near,” chieflv engaged in threatening honest
flower-girls and commanding small boys, the Rough is most fre-
quently and in most places master of the situation, and free to act
out the favourite Street-drama, known as “ The Three Stages of
Ruflianism.”
Q. AVhat are these three stages ?
A. Brutal skylarking, drunken bestiality, and homicidal violence.
Q. Are no restrictions placed hy Authority upon the use—or
abuse- of the public thoroughfares ?
A. Many. For example, an inexperienced stranger pausing to
look at a passing show, a girl attempting to sell a bootlace or a
bunch of violets. ahomeless outcast trying to snatch a short sleep on
a lit.tle-used doorstep, an innocent wayfarer faintiDg from privation
or disease,—all these are extremely liable to be “ moved on ” with
churlish indignity, or “ run in ” with indiscriminat.e violence. But
there are certain classes who are the chartered libertines of the-
London Streets
Q. Name some of these.
A. Except.ional privileges appear to be reserved for the following—
1. The Rnmbledom that blocks and bemuddles.
2. The Ruffianism that revolts and endangers.
3. The flauuting Yice that, obstructs and demoralises.
4. The carelessness that befouls and imperils. (As instanced by
the dirty idiots who cast orange-peel, and more objection-
able tilth, upon the pavements.)
5. Last—but, in these davs, scarcely least—the “ colossal ”
Advertiser, who distigures London from end to end with his
blazing abominat.ions, making every hoarding an eyesore,
and every street-corner a public nuisance.
PUNCH, OP THE LONDON CHAPIVAKl.
[•June 3, 1882,
An appalling sight met their gaze.
With her hands fastened to an iron bolt, the
staple commodity of the apartment, the fair
Ptrkussian was hanging in awiul suspense.
A dark figure in a pot hat and Eton jacket
stood before her.
In one hand it held a gleaming yat-agan.
In the other a ladle of boiling lead.
The three boys at once recognised their
college chum.
It was Hadji NtrPE!
CHAP. IY.
IN THE TORTURE CHAMBER.
A further. glance disclosed to the three
boys the appalling character of the scene be-
fore them. About the chamber they now
noticed a score of savages.
“The Hotwhata Cannibals! ” they whis-
pered to each other.
These last were characteristically occupied.
Some were sharpening tattooing needles,
and designing patterns on each other’s
frames. It was crewel work, but they did
not seem to mind it.
They rightly conjectured they were in the
ITnderground Torture Chamber.
Bob saw that if a rescue was to be at-
tempted, no time was to be lost. He con-
sidered his whereabouts. “This,”he said,
“must he the Round Tower. Then I have
only got to square the sentiuel.”
To rush up a secret staircase to the battle-
ments, descend with a loaded thirty-six
pounder, and hokl a lighted match to the
touch-hole, was but the work of a few
seconds.
The fair Perkussian shrieked with horror.
Bob had scarcely applied the match to the
touch-hole, when, as if by magic, a dusky
oriental figure bounded through the tapestry,
and interposed himself between the line of
sight, and the now trembling form of Hadji
Nuff. At the same instant, the thirty-six
pounder went off with a loud report, but the
new-comer, executing a dexterous pirouette
on one leg, caught the ball in his left, hand.
“ Who, and what are you ? ” asked Bob,
greeting the curious feat with a hearty
“ Encore ! ”
“ I am,” replied the stranger, “the Persian
Ambassador at the Court of St. James’s, and
I am the maternal uncle of Hadji Nuff.”
“ Then you must be-? ”
“ You are right. I am Hatchu Hutch ! ”
(To be continued.)
A HANDBOOK TO KNOWLEDGE.
No. III.—The Streets of London.
Q. What is a Street ?
A. A Street is a thoroughfare designed for the recreation of
roughs, the diversions of Yestries, Gas Companies and Boards of
Works, and the amusement of Advertisers.
Q. Are no other sections of the public possessed of rights and
interests in our Streets ?
A. Secondarily and upon sufferance perhaps; but their claims
are quite subordinate to those of the classes first specihed.
Q. Are there not various sorts of Streets ?
A. Many.
Q. How would you classify them ?
A. No known principle of classihcation would apply to them in
their entirety, but several kinds of Streets may be named, e.g.
1. The Street which is never repaired, and is therefore always
impassable.
2. The Street which is always being repaired, and is therefore
always equally impassable.
3. The Street which leads nowhere.
4. The Street which always leads back into itself again.
5. The Street which leads to a Market or a Railway Station,
which many desire to approach, and which consequently is
always blocked and beastly.
6. The Street with so narrow a footway that a wayfarer adven-
turing therein is exposed always to inevita'ble dirt, and
generally to imminent danger.
7. The Street whose footway is always so crowded by costers,
roughs, and loiterers, that the wayfarer who would make
progress is compelled to walk in the gutter.
8. The Street of exceeding narrowness, into which Cahmen from
all quarters will continually and eagerly converge, as a
“ short cut,” remaining there blocked many minutes in the
vain but inveterate hope of saving one.
9. The Street where the Shopkeepers bestrew the bulk of their
wares on the pavement, or on poles, &c., outside their shops,
so that you are likely to have your hat dislodged by a flap-
ping carpet, or to stumble over a coalscuttle or a pile of
crockery.
10. The Street which is a sort of unchartered Alsatia, and given
up wholly to drunken women and roughs.
11. The Street which is all oyster-shells and dirty children.
12. The Street whieh is no Street at all, but onlj^ a noisome cul-
de-sac, beginning with a beerhouse, and ending in a dust-
heap.
Q. How do you account for these several specialities of our
Streets ?
A. They are the result of the varied and uncontrolled humours of
the irresponsible wags—called Builders, Contractors, Road-makers,
Municinal and Parochial Boards, Constables, &c., &c.—who are
cha.rged with their construction, supervision, a.nd guardianship.
Q. What would you consider to be the most general and striking
characteristic of a London Street ?
A. Dirtiness.
Q. Are any provisions made for the cleansing of our thorough-
fares ?
A. Many very expensive ones.
Q. How are these applied ?
A. Either quite capriciously, or upon the principle of heing least
used when most needed, and vice versd.
Q. Mention some of the results of this svstem.
A. That, in fine weather, one Street will be as dry and dusty as
Sahara, the next as swamped and sloppy as a fish-market. That, in
wet weather, most Streets are Malebolges of mud, in one or other of
its two conditions of glut.inous slime and gruelly slop. That, after a
heavy snow-storm, a London thoroughfare furnishes worse travelling
than a Yorkshire Moor in midwinter.
Q. Next to their dirtiness, what should you say was the most
obvious peculiarity of London Streets ?
A. The frequency with which they are “up.”
Q. What do you mean by a Street being “ up ” ?
A. It is the term colloquially applied to that condition of tumul-
tuous and perilous chaos caused. by the operations of paving, drain-
age, and the laying or repairing of gas and water mains.
Q. What appearance does a Street present in these circumstances?
A. That of a combination of Builders’-yard, Cemetery, and
Gravel-pit, which has been subjected to the action of a local
earthquake.
Q. On what principle are these various operations performed by
the several bodies responsible for their execution ?
A. On the principle of “ One down and t’other come on,” with a
view, apparently, to making the condition of chaos as chronic as
possible. When, for example, the road or footways are not being
repaired, the sewers or the gas and water-pipes are. And, again,
when one Metropolitan Bridge is “ up” upon one pretext, it is care-
fully arranged that one other Bridge shall also be “ up ” on another.
Q. What further strikes you as regards our London Streets ?
A. The extent to which the London “ Rough ” monopolises their
advantages, and subordiuates the convenience, cbmfort, and even
safety of the General Publie to his own profit and amusement.
Q. In what does his proht consist ?
A. In violently appropriating the property of the Public.
Q. And his amusement, ?
A. In annoviog the Public by all the devices of lumbering
obstruction, foul language, and brutal horseplay.
Q. Is no provision made against his too free indulgence in these
enjoy^ments ?
A. The Police are—by some gentle optimists— supposed to “ keep
an eye” on him. But that “ere” being generally very “far”
indeed, and, when “near,” chieflv engaged in threatening honest
flower-girls and commanding small boys, the Rough is most fre-
quently and in most places master of the situation, and free to act
out the favourite Street-drama, known as “ The Three Stages of
Ruflianism.”
Q. AVhat are these three stages ?
A. Brutal skylarking, drunken bestiality, and homicidal violence.
Q. Are no restrictions placed hy Authority upon the use—or
abuse- of the public thoroughfares ?
A. Many. For example, an inexperienced stranger pausing to
look at a passing show, a girl attempting to sell a bootlace or a
bunch of violets. ahomeless outcast trying to snatch a short sleep on
a lit.tle-used doorstep, an innocent wayfarer faintiDg from privation
or disease,—all these are extremely liable to be “ moved on ” with
churlish indignity, or “ run in ” with indiscriminat.e violence. But
there are certain classes who are the chartered libertines of the-
London Streets
Q. Name some of these.
A. Except.ional privileges appear to be reserved for the following—
1. The Rnmbledom that blocks and bemuddles.
2. The Ruffianism that revolts and endangers.
3. The flauuting Yice that, obstructs and demoralises.
4. The carelessness that befouls and imperils. (As instanced by
the dirty idiots who cast orange-peel, and more objection-
able tilth, upon the pavements.)
5. Last—but, in these davs, scarcely least—the “ colossal ”
Advertiser, who distigures London from end to end with his
blazing abominat.ions, making every hoarding an eyesore,
and every street-corner a public nuisance.